Brother Ass

I think I've been in a reactionary stage with regards to rejecting any consideration for the vanity of one's appearance. Referring to St. Francis of Assisi (who was something of a primitivist, himself, by the way), I could dub it Brother Ass Syndrome. Realizing this, I think moderation is more appropriate. Not that I still don't think any attempts at vanity are necessary, but if my appearance draws attention just as much as those who seek that attention with their appearance, then I am making a mistake. I fully support taking the best care of one's body, as it is part of God's very good creation; it's just the frivolous things that annoy me. But I will try reach a balance between the truth (appearance not mattering) and its consequences (unwanted attention because of appearance).

That said, I'll just share Dove's research in its campaign for real beauty, showing how much society has warped the perception of what beauty is for women. Bravo to Dove for encouraging body acceptance, even if it is still just a marketing tool.

Constantly learning

I am constantly learning. I feel that I have experienced so much, have been exposed to so many new ideas in a very short amount of time. It is confusing, scary, exciting, and even peaceful all at the same time. This blog is a great way to see how much I have changed, just over the course of (not even) a year. As I take new things in, I have to evaluate them in my search for truth. When something makes sense and seems to fit with what I have experienced and what I believe, I am willing to adapt and change my own perception of the world through the new thing I have experienced. The things that I have talked about in my last few posts still seem very radical and extreme to me, but they also do make sense to me. I realize that in taking an extreme position on a subject, I have the responsibility of pushing someone else to the opposite extreme. I hope that I do not do that. Many things that I talk about in my blog, sadly, are only in the theory stage; that is, I have yet to put these things into practice. It is an aspect of my introvertedness. I do not wish to use this as an excuse, but I am most inclined to reflect on things before I do them. I just need to make sure that I actually do them. I suppose that is my Christmas resolution (no new year's resolutions for me). I will try to approach these things like I would my school work, with some degree of diligence and a feeling of responsibility. I don't want to be preoccupied with ideologies but rather living out convictions in the present moment. But I am still constantly learning and reevaluating those new things I have experienced and incorporated into my "philosophy." I just read a website today about a vegan who realized the importance and naturalness of eating wild meat, choosing to basically adopt the diet of a gatherer-hunter in place of vegan (although that diet is still 85% vegan). Observing this new perspective, I do see that it seems to make sense (to a greater degree than a vegetarian or vegan diet, and of course, more sense than the normal american diet of high fat, low fiber "food"). Of course it is not practical for me to assume a gatherer-hunter's diet at this time in my current urban environment, but I do look forward to moving in that direction (away from all processed foods), however slowly. And to move in the right direction with every other thing I've talked about, which will eventually mean that I give up the computer I am using to type this, and then even the end of this blog. Until then, I'll be using it to keep reevaluating.

Body shame and naturism

I mentioned earlier that the purpose of clothes is twofold: warmth and modesty. I would now like to modify that statement to be warmth, modesty, and hygiene, as I now understand it. And I still question modesty. Why, you might be asking? Because I believe it is possible to be modest without wearing clothes. Now you may be very confused because being naked means that you are flaunting your sexuality. And being modest is to not flaunt your sexuality but rather protect it as sacred. My point is that being naked does not have to be an occasion to flaunt one's sexuality. I will point your attention to showering at the gym, frinstance. One might say that you should only be nude when you are by yourself or with your spouse because of the aforementioned problem of immodesty being linked to nakedness. But this is only a result of one's indoctrination into society as a child, which teaches the child (hopefully) unintentionally that one's body is a source of shame and needs to be hidden from others, when in reality, most children would be just as happy, if not happier, to go about without any clothes on. One might also say that this is because of the child's innocence and that once the child becomes conscious of his or her sexual nature, being naked is no longer practical or appropriate. Again, I would say that the only reason that that shame develops, making any scarce sight of nudity an overwhelming and sexually exciting experience, is because society dictates it to be so. If an adolescent had no reason to be curious about the naked human body (because he is surrounded by non-sexual nudity), then he would have no reason to turn to pornography (which takes curiosity and perverts it into sinful lust) and be able to develop a healthy sexuality and respect for women. Also, having something be forbidden makes it that much more enticing (ie sexually exciting).

Body shame came as a result of original sin. When "Adam and Eve" sinned, the first thing they did afterwards was hide their nakedness in their shame. It was not part of what God intended. As Christians, we actively try to return to a sinless state. Why do we simply accept the shame that came with the sin as we try to reject that sin? God created our bodies in his image and likeness and called them very good. So what right do we have to be ashamed of them (except for the influence that society has on us)? Society tells us that we must have a perfect body, when, in reality, no one does. Yet models are airbrushed to "perfection," making everyone feel self-conscious and insecure. Clothing itself is used to flaunt one's sexuality (such as bikinis). Clothing that goes right up to the line of "too far" is actually more sexually stimulating, drawing more undue attention to the body than simple nudity would. Of course, in our society of body shame, non-sexual nudity will always be perceived as sexual, making it irresponsible and immoral to be naked around people who would derive sinful lust from the experience.

So I would like to be able to accept my body, accept the wonderfully imperfect bodies of others, and in so doing, return to a more natural state (I suppose this is a part of my primitivism). And a more natural state would lead me closer to God.

What this means for me practically is that I have a better understanding of my own past struggles with pornography and that I do not want to feel any shame about my body. The only way to get over that shame is through actually being naked. I am not interested in nudist clubs because those seem to put too much emphasis on the issue, allowing it to dominate their lives, creating another unnecessary division, now between nudists and textiles (those who wear clothing), that I do not want. Naturism, which I suppose is a subcategory of nudism, seeks to gain more unity with nature through being naked. This is what attracts me most. The idea of a swimming suit (now outside of the realm of its need for modesty's sake) seems absolutely absurd to me. There is also the issue of top-free equality among men and women. Breasts are required to be covered up by society for a rather indirect connection to sex, the feeding of the result of the sex (the baby). So even under the context of needing to cover up sexual organs, the need to cover up breasts is doubtful. So this is another aspect of gender inequality, men being legally allowed to be top-free where women are not. It is absurd that the legality of breastfeeding in public is disputed, treating it as if even that is a sexual act.

Do not get me wrong; clothes are still needed for warmth and hygiene of course (and modesty when in the company of textiles). And I do not intend to go strolling around town in the buff, but when it is practical and appropriate, I would like to lose the shame with the clothes.

There were two sites that were immensely helpful in understanding the philosophy behind nudism and the ethics of it that I'd like to share, for your own healthy curiosity. (Don't worry, they're safe for work (ie no pictures of nudists)).
They are:
Rejectshame.com and Clothing and Nakedness in the Bible.

College and radical changes to my personal philosophy

I was thinking about college. And all of the things I would like to study. Philosophy, theology, linguistics, fine arts (in that order of importance, right now). Philosophy: because, while I do not intend to enter the seminary, seminarians study philosophy first as a foundation before they study theology, and that makes sense. While I do not feel called to be a priest, I am feeling now that my vocation may parallel that of a priest in many ways: being of service to others (hopefully being able to counsel as well (wisdomous)), celibacy (again, this is what I'm feeling called to right now); so it might be good to follow the same general pattern of a seminarian's education. Linguistics: language is rather fascinating to me, being able to relate with other people. And I'd like to be able to do that with a larger percentage of the world. I took spanish all through grade school, latin all through high school, greek my senior year. I think I've got the romantics covered. So I'm thinking German might be fun. I don't know how easy it'll be to start a whole new language in college (this late in my developmental years), but greek has been good so far. And fine arts is fine arts: another medium to express my self and seek beauty/truth.

Then I'll have the Micah house program on top of all that, hopefully earning a certificate in urban social analysis. Not that I like cities at all. They're the centers of "civilization" (ie absence of the natural world, aka wilderness), but that is where all the people are.

Until I just outlined all that I still need/want to study, I was wondering about the value of a college education. If I were to continue on and become a Catholic Worker, would a college degree really do anything for me? I'm certainly not interested in a degree in order to make more money, so I hope that what I study will have some practical application. I realize philosophy is the antithesis of a practical degree. But that's practical in the sense of "can this degree get me a job?" I'm not interested in a degree getting me a job; I'm interested in studying something that will influence and shape my mind so that I may think better, know more, and combine the two to become wise. (I realize that there is more to wisdom than that, however) I was just beginning to wonder if college was the most efficient way to do that studying. Because it is rather expensive (and by rather I mean outrageously). And I do not enjoy spending money at all. Because money is no longer used by society simply as a means of exchange but as a tool of oppression. I talked a while ago about money doing some good, but the evil that it creates outweighs the good so greatly that I cannot justify continuing to participate in the system. And money is just one of the tools used for oppression.

What I'm getting at, if you haven't yet caught my drift, is that I do not like government. This is a very new and somewhat scary realization for me, but I believe I may just be an anarchist, in the most original sense of the word: no rule. So this is not to say that I want to riot against corporations to financially wound them in the hopes of bringing them down (and the government with them), because as a pacifist, I do see that as rather futile resistance. It would be much more productive to change people's hearts than lash out at physical manifestations of the corporate beast, like the WTO. To me, this parallels the government lashing out at "terrorism" with military violence instead of treating the cause of the terrorists' hatred. I do not yet know how to go about changing people's hearts, but I do know violence is not the answer. The basic concept of rule is bad because it is very violent at its core. This violence is (somewhat) cloaked now but could be more openly seen in the expansionism, c. mid 2nd millennium. Groups of people, divided by man-made constructs such as race, consolidated and vied for power by violent conquest (like what our government is doing in the Middle East, presently).

I have a Marxist flare in me because I do see much of the struggle that has happened throughout history being influenced significantly by money (yet I certainly see that it is not the sole cause, as Marx, as I understand, put forward). This is the evil that money creates: class warfare. I do not want to allow things created by man to separate me from another human. Class (the amount of money I have), race (while important to one's identity as it relates to one's cultural heritage, it is completely abused and overrated in order to create a false superiority), even (or especially is more like it) religion divides people unnecessarily. These, and more that I'm forgetting to name, are all constructs that create civilization. I'm beginning to see the development of civilization as simply the outcome of groups of people consolidating power over others. Through violence. So I believe I am something of a primitivist, as well. By this I mean a return to living as one did before the Industrial Revolution and Agricultural Revolution and also a return to the simplicity and purity of Christianity present immediately after being founded (ie the first few centuries (until Constantine converted)). Actually, I realize that the Church was not simple or pure at all in that time, with everyone having their own opinions and beliefs about Jesus the Christ, but I would take that over a religion funded by the same government that executed Jesus.

Looking at the reality of the world as I now understand it can be depressing and look rather hopeless (such as found in the Matrix movie). But only on the physical plane. On the spiritual plane, hope is alive and well. I wrote a sonnet for my final project in my Shakespeare class this semester. Keep in mind that a sonnet is a highly regulated (meaning that I had to follow rules) way to write, and therefore, pretty hard. And since it was my first time... it's a little rough (I hope I still get a good grade though). So I'll share it with you.

When one’s nation wars without a just cause,
Seeming to be led by a dictator;
When many deny God’s love without pause,
And Creation turns from its Creator;
When selfishness and pride are accepted,
And individualism runs wild;
When values of hon’sty and trust are shed,
Then every relationship may be riled.
With all of the troubles, no peace is found;
Any love or justice is hidden, yet
God’s compassion and mercy still surround,
And faith in action will make evil fret.
So by God’s grace, still I will love the world
With hope of one renewed to be unfurled.

Building community

My friend, Sara, found a booklet at Hartford Coffee Co. of local businesses. I had mentioned a goal of shopping only at small businesses a while ago, so this booklet is immensely helpful. I invite you to check it out for yourself.

I would also encourage you to listen to/support our community radio station, 88.1 KDHX. I enjoy it. If it weren't for that, the oldies, and occasionally npr, I would never listen to the radio. It has broadened my musical horizons.

I've finally started looking into bus and Metrolink routes. It'll be more complex than I expected but still definitely worth it. Not only will I not be driving a car, but I will be sitting with my fellow St. Louisans, at least presenting the opportunity for me to talk to them. Cars are very isolating devices. No one waves or says hi or even looks at each other when they're driving. Of course I occasionally do all of these things, but it would be nice to have someone return the favor, as can be done on a bus or train.

Guest speakers

My theology class has had several guest speakers discussing their own vocational journeys. We've had a man working at my school but also volunteering closely with Karen House, a woman working in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, a St. Joe's sister, and a seminarian. The Karen House guy is really cool. He goes with us/is the director of the group that goes to Karen House on mondays. So it was rad to hear his story. The JVC woman was pretty good. She succeeded to get me thoroughly interested in the JVC. The core values of the program are simple living, spirituality, community, and social justice. I'll be looking into it more, but a friend in my class questioned the impact of the service being provided and if the volunteers are actually more of a drain on the programs they are serving in than a help. I would definitely want to work at a site where I would be very useful. With the sister's story, I began to understand religious life and ministry more as a ministering community like JVC, except it lasts one's whole life instead of a year. The seminarian took us through the whole process of becoming a priest, so that was informative.

Then when he asked for questions, the issues of women priests and married priests came up eventually. To sum up his responses, women will never be priests because that is not part of the role of womanhood and married priests are actually a possibility (slight). There are already married priests (converted protestant ministers) and some of the apostles were married. I personally would never want to have a family and a parish. So it seemed backwards to me that he was absolute on the women priest question and lenient on the married priest question. I don't like it when people or institutions feel like they have a monopoly on the truth. I know I'm struggling as a human to find the truth, and I believe that in our Human Condition, that is all we can do. One of the things that I struggle with is the existence of gender roles in society. I do believe that the majority of gender roles present (esp. those propagated by the Church) are constructs of humans and not divinely intended. If the role of the father of a parish is supposed to be similar or parallel to the father of a family, where is the mother of the parish? Husbands and wives make decisions together (today, in this (somewhat) less sexist society), but in the Church, we have only the hierarchy of fathers making decisions for the Church. When the seminarian tried to defend gender roles, his statement was "all things being equal, they still aren't equal." I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I realize men and women are different, but differences should never result in inequality (in my humble opinion).

Labels

There are labels that everyone uses to help identify themselves. I am a Campbell, a German/Scotch/Irish, an American, a Christian, a Catholic, a SLUH senior, a (former) Cross Country runner, a P+P youth group member, an NHS member, a future Catholic Worker, and a hundred other things that don't really touch on the essence of me. They are all part of my experiencal being, speaking on the temporal plane and of the 18 years that I've been on this earth, but labels fail to speak on the spiritual plane and of my eternal soul. The most basic and most valued label that I hold is that of Christian, but even that leads to division and separation from fellow humans. The spectrum of religions and spiritualities in this world is a beautiful thing and very necessary to meet the demands of the spectrum of ways people need to connect on that spirtual plane, but any such religion or spirituality must be balanced with the ability to step back from the bindings of each individual's religion in order to reach out to form a community with all of humanity. Any sense of "us and them" has to stop if there will ever be peace. So, do I believe that there was a man named Jesus who radically taught and transformed this world and then died to save us (ie am I a Christian)? yes. Do I believe in and participate in the rituals and sacraments of the Catholic Church in order to better know God? yes. Do I also understand that the religion of anyone else who honestly is seeking truth is equally valid and correct as the religion that I practice? yes.

I have been taught in my Catholic theology class that the Church accepts other religions as valid means to come to know God and truth partially, but the Catholic Church is fully and perfectly able to come to know God and truth. I take issue with that because it is pride that causes division. It won't matter what religion a person practiced once he or she is in heaven, so why should it matter on earth? It shouldn't. Hence, labels have limited purpose and should not be heavily stressed. Another storm I am traversing is that of evaluating how I label myself and what labels I really want to have and refocusing the energy spent on maintaining some of those labels.

At this point, the priesthood looks like just another unnecessary label that separates me from others even more than the lay label of Catholic. (not to mention the other issues I have with the Church... yet) That's not the kind of label I want to have. Labels are just constructs of society that serve to objectify and box in the so labeled human. I suppose I do still understand the priesthood to be a wonderful thing, but to be a priest would focus my attention too much on the trivial (relative to the bigger picture) structure of the Church when I feel called away from such structures in order to serve others on a pure peer level. That is a deep and good desire of mine, to be free of all labels in order to be fully open to serve anyone without consideration of differences in labels. So words like hippie or democratic socialist I don't like to use because they carry with them divisive connotational baggage, even if they are partial descriptors mixed in with the overall philosophy of Tom. Tom being my biggest label (need less me, more God). Okay, I'm finished; amen.

Do I care?

I find myself saying, "do I care?" in response to varied aspects of life that I observe these days, to the point of wondering what it is that I do care about (for a moment at least, before I realize what is at the root of this "not caring"). I don't care how my hair looks or what clothes I wear, or more specifically I suppose, I do not care for styled hair and fancy clothes. I don't have an appreciation for formal pictures (this point comes to focus as I have to get senior pics. why preserve a completely fake and posed image of myself when candid photos (that actually carry real memories with them) can be enjoyed so much more?). I don't care for jewelry, or any thing that does not serve some use for the survival or betterment of the person. I despise brand name clothing. Putting sweatshop and cost reasons aside, brand name clothing has no personal character. It is what someone else decided was cool (for the season) and everyone else copies that. I only buy/wear tshirts that say/promote/depict something that I actually care about or have an interest in. So I do care what I wear; it is just dress clothing that's ridiculous. I don't understand why we dress up to go to church. Do we think God cares what we wear while worshiping? Hardly. Why do we find it necessary to make ourselves uncomfortable (esp. high heels for women)? Ties are just plain silly (completely functionless). Clothes serve two functions: warmth and modesty. I almost question modesty as an absolute. It is very important for the sexually perverse culture in which we live, but if a society did not put so much attention on parts of the body as private, would modesty really be necessary? (Again, it definitely is for this society.) But that is a tangent (not that this whole paragraph isn't just a stringing together of random streams of consciousness). What I came to realize is that anything that I "don't care" about relates back to my call to poverty, and that it is really an expression of caring about that call. I'm literally disgusted by my room right now, being surrounded by all of my extraneous possessions. I have way, way, way too many polo shirts. I can't believe all of the junk that I've bought in the past. I'm feeling like doing some winter cleaning (wait, it's still fall...). I don't like feeling disgusted; it's not a pleasant feeling. I'll be much happier once I clear out the clutter.

I do care, deeply, about what is actually important and valuable and true in this world. I'm still in the process of filtering out everything that is unimportant and valueless and false, and that is a difficult thing to do. It is a storm to pass through that may look gloomy now, but I'll be smiling when the sun comes out.