Seek beauty, seek the truth, seek goodness. No matter what kind of faith-people get all tangled up in their faith. The one duty in life is to seek the truth. And what is true will be beautiful, and what is beautiful will be good. And that's my goal in life...
Surprisingly, for me, this raises some questions. At first glance, I would subscribe to his words completely because they are so idealistic. But the truth found in the world is often not too beautiful. War is an example. Personally, I am anti-war. But I must acknowledge, with the help of the vision-correcting book, Slaughterhouse-5, that I might as well be anti-glacier. Vonnegut knows that; I know that. But he still writes, and I still hope.
And another example- being the semi-northern urbanite that I am, I have looked down on white southerners because of their perceived leading role in perpetuating the racism of America. Randy Newman showed me my own ugly truth. I'm doing my part to perpetuate the problems through that attitude, and even though I have grown up in a racially diverse part of the city, to my chagrin, I do not have black friends. My parents have commented that maybe their plans backfired in wanting my brother and I to not be secluded from other ethnic groups, observing that some of the many short-staying renters on our block (most of whom have been black) have not been the best of neighbors. I will be very honest here. On a level of ideals, I know that race is a false hierarchical concept meant to divide, that while respected, should not be used as a criterium for any judgement. But I will admit that when I ride my bike home from school, I have some anxiety whenever I ride by a pedestrian, and with the neighborhoods I pass through, 95% of the time, the pedestrian is black. One day that I was riding home, a man called out for me to stop-which I did, because it was a populated street. He asked me for money for beer (yes, he was honest), and I refused. And that was the end of it. I continued on my way home. And he went on to petition someone else for a dollar. I was nervous when I stopped my bike and waited to be approached by this man, but I did that-I responded-becasue of my ideals of community, of being able to relate to people without a barrier of glass and metal between us. I don't want to be influenced by the stereotypes that society has handed down to me. I will strive for the ideal, but I know that I will eventually get burned. I just hope that I have the courage to keep striving when that happens.
This is an honest look at the truth of my current situation. It is often not going to be beautiful. When I ride my bike to and from school every day, I get very tired. I have yet to ride for 5 days in a row. That's the truth, and it isn't pretty. One small thing I learned in Honduras is that I must admit that chicken does taste delicious. (I still didn't like red meat, though) That doesn't mean I shouldn't be vegetarian. I only shower 2-3 times/week to cut down on water waste. I don't need to tell you that I smell on the days inbetween. And that's the stinky truth. Two things have already been stolen from my bike (a headlight and an airpump) (not to mention the license plates on my car). That's the consequences of riding my bike to the library (and living in the city). I still don't find time every day to pray, after all of my fuss. These statements are true. They are not beautiful. In fact, they could be rather discouraging. Sacrifice is the name of the game. Some times I've succeeded, some times I've failed, and everytime I have felt some repercussion for my actions. This is truth on a human level. But it's not the truth that Fr. Hagan was talking about.
Or maybe it is. The truth is, when I ride my bike and when I take steps to be a steward of the environment, I do find beauty and good in this world, on however a small scale it may be. And when I realize that I have failed to give time to God, I can face the reality of that truth and gain courage to change my situation.
Beauty is an idea I want to take a closer look at. I find beauty in nature. I find beauty in art. I find beauty in people (if they were not already included under the idea of nature). Beauty can be pretty relative. Some things cause different reactions in different people. Some things the majority of people tend to agree on as being beautiful. Like flowers. And sunsets. But do those people (including myself) really experience the beauty of those phenomena or are they responding to a stimulus with a predetermined response: "Oh look, flowers. How pretty." The same goes with society's concept of beauty for women (and men). Women need to be rail thin with big boobs and long blonde hair. So says society. Oh, and they should also have a nice, even, bronzed dose of skin cancer while their at it. Men are to be tall, dark, and hansome (hey, two out of three!) with bulging muscles (oh). I would just like it noted that I appreciate those that resist pop culture predetermining their body image and self-esteem. I have very bony arms and hands. For a long time, these have been my least liked bodily features. But now I accept them as they are. (modeling recently for my watercolor class helped a lot. so has the body acceptance ideal of nudism. (no, I was not nude for my watercolor class- although, that would have been even more beneficial)). I mentioned a while back that I had snapped out of not caring about my appearance because I didn't want to bring unneeded attention to myself. Now I question my avoidance of attention. I still don't want to (purposefully) spark negative attention but rather thought-provoking attention. Contrary to what I stated before, appearances are important. How I dress does affect my mood and how I act. I do still enjoy dressing up in the quite silly garb of a three piece suit (complete with functionless tie). It is fun. Appearances do matter. It is fashion that is worth squat. And even style (fashion that doesn't quit) should be relative to the person. If a goth is able to express him/herself by painting his/her nails black, more power to him/her. (although already with the label "goth," I refer to a whole subculture in which one distinct style is followed. but the example was meant to show any alternative to the conformity of mainstream culture)
Relativism is applicable on a human level. Just because I have discerned for myself that I would not want to enter into a sexual relationship with another man does not preempt my acceptance of other people who behave as such. I have no cause to judge or condemn. There is a higher level, the level of goodness, of Truth (with a capital t), of natural law, which the Catholic Church, along with most other churches, claims to have a monopoly on. I don't claim to know what the Truth is. I have a conscience formed by my life experience, which includes the values of my family and friends along with the Church. I am obviously still working through some of the things that irk me about how that conscience has been formed. No, I certainly do not have a steadfast grasp of the truth. But that is not required of me. My duty is to seek the truth, not hold it. As soon as I feel justified in having succeeded to unlock the infinite richness of truth, I should know that something is amiss, step back from my moment of hubris and keep on seeking.
