Since moving to New Roots, I've gotten really into the Enneagram. It was something I had heard of in the past but never really looked into. But everyone up here was referencing it, so I figured I better educate myself.

It has turned out to be a very useful tool, broadening both my understanding of myself and of the people around me (more so than any other personality type system has).

In my reading, I recognized myself in the ninth personality type, sometimes called the peacemaker. I am calm and serene; I desire for everyone and everything to be united and without conflict; I am lazy and lack self-direction, allowing myself to be guided by the people around me. I accommodate other people, giving in to their wishes without giving credence to my own needs or desires (I people-please). I invest my identity in other people. I am an introvert to the extent that I shut out outside stimuli so that my inner calm is not disturbed, which leaves me living for the most part in my own fantasy world. I avoid conflict at any cost. These characteristics make me a nine.

I have a one wing, which I used to express a lot more when I was Catholic. Ones are idealistic and driven by a strongly defined morality. Perfectionistic. Judgmental. I've let a lot of that go, I think.

Nines integrate towards the three, which for me means that for me to become more healthy and whole as a person, I would need to develop self-direction, initiative (which I mentioned in my last post), and self-confidence. I'm not there yet, but it helps to have clearly stated what I'm moving towards.

Nines disintegrate towards the six by becoming overwhelmed with anxiety over the fear of being separated. It's this anxiety and fear that drive me to people please, so it is also this anxiety and fear I need to let go of, accepting the possibility that people may not react well to me not giving them what I think they want, but also learning to trust that they will still love the real me (although I'm still in the process of figuring out who that is).

I don't know if this also falls under the three integration, but the other big thing the enneagram has shown me I need to work on is my avoidance of conflict. This is the other big thing I am working on right now - being able to sacrifice my short-term peace of mind in order to involve myself with situations and people where conflict is likely that, in the past, I would have simply avoided.

I've felt pretty stagnant since I stopped going to school (that place that trained me to follow the authority figure's directions), but I'm starting to feel stirred up.

The enneagram has also helped me understand other people better, seeing clearly that everyone is not motivated by the same basic desire that I am. Which sure is a good thing, else the human world would be a very calm, lazy, boring place.

So, here's to self-discovery and integration!