Journal/opinions: um...God?

so im at a kind of interesting place in my life right now. I'm smack dab in the middle of my junior year, kind of the prime time of the high school experience. I'm doing pretty well in all my classes (I hope). I've got so many great friends (plenty for an introvert like me), none of which influence me negatively (or to be more optimistic, all have an overall positive influence on me-thanks guys!). I'm very blessed with my family: two parents that love me and each other very much and support me so much, and a brother that, in one word, hugs. Continuing with the family theme, I have three living grandparents who are also very loving and supporting (and, giving a shout out to Mawmaw and Pawpaw (even though they'll never read this), also very wacky), and I know that my grandpa is rooting for me from heaven, too. On top of all this familial bliss, there are still three aunts (well, one "great"-aunt;-), all three amazing women who are an important part of my life. and then, and this seems trivial (which, I suppose, it is), but as far as material possessions, there is little left that I really want (at least at this point in my life). I can't help but think of the proverb or saying or cliche, "to whom much is given, much is expected". From this point in my life, it seems to me, the possibilities are infinite. everything is possible. which to me is a little frightening (something like when school children are at recess-if there is a fence around the yard, they run to all corners of the yard, but if there is no fence, they stay close to the school). Since my possibilities appear to be limitless, I, of course, am led to think about God, the limitless. I've been watching Joan of Arcadia (friday nights, ch 4, 7pm, watch it...or tape it), in which God is basically giving Joan orders to follow (well, not orders of course...more like firm suggestions), and wonderful and mysterious things happen when she follows them. the show has opened my eyes to an aspect of God that I hadn't fully given thought to. Joan wasn't really religious before God started talking to her, and now that he has, Joan still doesn't go to church or anything like that, but rather simply goes along with Gods suggestions as they come. and then I think about my own actions, how my relationship with God works. yes, first off, I go to church. and youth group. outside of led activities, I'd say I pray every other night or so, and random times throughout the week. I've tried to develop my personality and behavior based on my Christian faith. but most of the time, I'd have to say that I'm not directly focused on God or God's will for me. sure I've kind of programmed myself for a kind of piety for God that, I'm afraid to say, in part, is for show. I mean, I think about mass, especially when I serve, especially the bowing, and the clothes. I mean, when I bow to the altar, I'm doing it more for respect of the rituals of the mass celebration than I am consciously thinking, I respect/revere/love you God. which i do (respect/revere/love), but that isn't how I would chose to show it. given my personality, I would prefer to simply think it. ok, so in the context of a community that has come together to celebrate the mass, public actions of otherwise internal ongoings are appropriate and called for, but I want such actions to be meaningful, and for me, if an action is going to be meaningful, it has to be my own, I need to own it, create it, give it, much like my mom does through her liturgical dance.
while talking about the mass, and the Church in general, hierarchies don't sit well with me. I'm fine with leaders, we need leaders, but leaders shouldn't be elevated to a class above the group of followers (which I'm not saying is the situation with all priest/congregation relationships, or even my own priest/congregation relationship or is the official view of the Church). when I think of Pope JPII (who is a wonderful leader and not someone who elevates himself above us, in my opinion(a little note right here, now that I see how this blog is turning out: all of this is my developing opinion which is apt to develop further as my understanding of the world, and specifically the Church, increases)), I automatically picture a hierarchal pyramid of the church, with the pope at the top and the laity at the bottom, suggesting, in my mind, a greater degree of closeness to God as one goes up the pyramid, which is certainly true in certain instances, but definitely not in every instance. now, nothing has directly provided me with this portrait of the hierarchy of the church, but it developed somehow. (another side note: seeing, again, how this is developing, I think I might just be trying to justify to God why I don't want to become a priest, if that be my vocation) oh, and I have mixed opinions about women becoming priests. To be honest, I'm totally for it (if God gave some women the tools required to be priest(-esses?), why would God not give them the privlege(?-right?) to be one, but, if I follow the church's reasoning properly, this is what trips me up: so priests are like Jesus' apostles, but His apostles were all men, but if I dismiss that because it would be counter-cultural for Jesus to have women apostles in His time, I then have to remember that being counter-cultural never slowed Jesus down, so there has to be some other reason why he didn't have women apostles, but what? so right now I have questions about God and the possible set roles of men and women (yes, I realize men and women are different, but different shouldn't mean unequal opportunities in my book) let's see, do I have any other issues I want to discuss about the church? (if you haven't realized it yet, I finally figured out what opinions to write about(if confused, see below), and I got tired of waiting for you to respond to my request(but the request still stands!)) oh, here's one. yeah, homosexuality: I mostly agree with the church (which basically says that homosexuals are to be respected and loved just like anyone else but the homosexual act is sinful and the state of being homosexual is a disordered state. that last part about being disordered is what troubles me. I don't know how to change it, but if I happened to be a homosexual Catholic, I would not want to be called disordered. I don't know. anyway, that's enough about the church.
so back to just me and God. so practically, if rituals such as those required while serving don't do it for me (i.e. get me closer to God), what ways can I explore to genuinely get in touch with God's will for me? what I've seem to have gathered as I've grown up is that, mostly, God doesn't talk to us directly as He (for lack of a better pronoun-I should try to alternate He with She, or should I just stick with God (but that makes for awkward sentences), ooo, maybe we can come up with a special pronoun just for God, like... ok I can't think of anything that doesn't sound ridiculous) does with Joan, but rather, we're supposed to kind of follow our instincts that we are to interpret as either hints from God or just our own desires (obviously following the hints from God;-) I don't know. what I really desire is a dynamic, imminent, personal, in-your-face, no piety (the type described above) cr*p, type of relationship with God (basically what Joan's got)
alright, so what have I accomplished in this journal. so I dislike the apparent divide that exists between the laity and the priesthood and would rather stay on this side. so now that I decide to get married some day instead of being open to becoming a priest, ignoring God's will, one way or the other, I want to have a closer relationship with God in which Her will is readily available to me. hmmm, contradiction? I think I need to stop trying to make things happen and go listen to God for a while.