Well, I've gathered a lot to blog about in the last fourteen days. I've completed a family vacation, read a book, begun an exploration of the world of punk. A highschool classmate has also died and been buried in this time. So I've had a lot to think about (not that I didn't beforehand).
Chris, my former classmate, was in my homeroom for four years. His locker was right next to mine for four years. We were both on the wrestling team freshman year (in adjacent weight classes). And we were both in the same senior art exhibit this past semester. He was so talented in so many ways. But he was also very quiet. Four years of close proximity, and we barely ever said anything more than "hi" to each other. Everyone liked him. You could say that he was popular, except that he kind of shied away from attention most of the time. He did have his niche, but it wasn't really at school. He was going to be starting at the Art Institute of Chicago this fall. Last sunday, Chris killed himself. There is no specific reason that I'm aware of. Obviously, there was something he was struggling with that he kept to himself. I've never experienced any sort of real depression- only seasonal, so I have trouble understanding or empathizing with the desire to end your life. The very state of being can be such a joyous matter. So I feel sorrow at lost opportunity. I feel like I should have more to say about this, but I don't right now. Chris is the first person my age in my life to have died. I may be in shock or numb. I don't feel that I am, though (but I suppose that's the point of being numb). It's still rather unreal to me. The funeral helped. I think I've accepted that it happened, but I don't know what that means to me. I already had planned on never seeing most of my classmates again upon graduation, except for a class reunion here and there. So I had let go of that group of people already. And that's really all I can say about it right now.
Yeah, I'll talk about everything else later.
Thursday, August 18
Tuesday, August 2
Constantly discerning
Friday was my last day of employment at my small little rehab company, so I am quite happy. I have a family vacation to San Fransisco coming up this week and then the rest of August to prepare for college. Which basically means that I have a lot more time to do what I actually want to do now.
Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?
You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.
One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.
The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.
On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.
I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):
I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rilke
and this:
Noble Truths:
Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.
Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.
Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.
(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)
(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)
Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?
You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.
One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.
The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.
On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.
I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):
I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rilke
and this:
Noble Truths:
Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.
Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.
Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.
(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)
(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)
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