Friday was my last day of employment at my small little rehab company, so I am quite happy. I have a family vacation to San Fransisco coming up this week and then the rest of August to prepare for college. Which basically means that I have a lot more time to do what I actually want to do now.
Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?
You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.
One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.
The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.
On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.
I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):
I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rilke
and this:
Noble Truths:
Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.
Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.
Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.
(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)
(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)
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Hey Tom,
ReplyDeleteReading through your thoughts has got me thinking . . . and remembering some too.
Based on what you describe, I think I went through a similar time of discernment and seeking when I was 20 years old. I finally realized that I was following a path that I had never really evaluated. Over the previous 2 years (from 18-20) my values had developed and my outlook on the world had expanded so much, and yet I hadn’t done anything to integrate those things into my day to day living. So as a college sophomore, I went through a major overhaul, which depending on what aspects of life you are overhauling, it can be quite a painful mental or emotional process. I changed quite a bit with regards to my style of dress, my hygiene (makeup and hair), sexuality, how I spent money, how I related to friends, authority and the Church. It was good for me though, and it felt good to integrate my beliefs into my actions. Simplicity, poverty, and open-ness to all became my mantra.
In many ways however, I wasn’t skilled yet at examining my choices thoroughly. I got pretty good at challenging my past – that was easy because I knew the old patterns inside and out, but I wasn’t so good at challenging my present. And I definitely wasn’t examining either one with a critical eye to look for the positive and the negative sides of the story. I only evaluated my past in terms of what was wrong and that needed change, and I only looked at anything new with eyes to find the good in it. Basically, I didn’t feel the need to re-evaluate what was good and righteous about my upbringing and the Church as I understood it. I focused my attention solely on what was wrong because I assumed I already understood fully what the positive strengths of the Church were.
And so, many of my new integrated life choices became strong influences on my years at SLU and I just embraced them as new-found truth because they seemed to fit well with my new world view, although I didn’t quite know how to logically think them through. After college, I realized that I really hadn’t done a good job of evaluating where my changes were taking me and whether I had made sound, logical choices, that would bear good fruit. Anyway, after lots of reflection and talking with other people, I realized I had gone in a fairly good direction overall, but in a few areas I had thrown out the baby with the bathwater so to speak.
Talking with other people helped, but I had to come to the realization on my own that I had become too proud of my new ideas, and that I had determined on my own that my new ideas probably were wiser than the whole of 2000 years of Catholic thought, and certainly than most of society. Anyway, the process of humbling myself to re-evaluate and re-integrate again at 23-24 was even more painful than the original overhaul had been. But the outcome of all the effort was a greater understanding about God, myself, and the Church, along with an ever-growing (still!) confidence and peace about who I am, and why I live the way I live.
You see, I faced some of your same struggles, and head on too! I worked painstakingly through most of the hot button issues within our Church (as well as some of the social issues you’ve mentioned) and found such PEACE on the other side . . . FAR more than I could have asked for or imagined!
I wish you fullness of peace, my dear nephew.
And I will pray for your discernment.
All my love,
Aunt Annie Clegg
Kinsey! PLEEEEEEASE open your eyes about him before you let his abominations become the unconscious rationale for destructive sexual license masquerading as "I gotta find myself".
ReplyDeletehttp://www.renewamerica.us/columns/duke/041202 is one of an abundance of articles you can find about this friend of satan if you simply look. I don't know this author but he states exactly what I read elsewhere.
And Peace be with you...
djc aka ud'b
I can't even say that 'flattery' is an appropriate word here. Instead, I am deeply honored that you would find solace in some of the blather I post. Moreover, I'm thrilled that you re-posted it in a place that clearly provides intellectual, sincere, thought-provoking reading.
ReplyDeleteI have perused the annals of your blog and found writing that can only be described as sheer poetry.
I understand and can sympathize greatly with your spiritual plight. Having come from a strict Southern Baptist background, it took much soul searching to reach what I'm sure is only the very tip of the enlightenment iceberg. You are finding your truth Tom and more importantly, I commend you for seeking it.
What depth you provide to the world with this space of yours. Thank you for letting us all bask even for just a while in the glow of your words... Bravo!!!
I like the Noble Truths you posted. They reasonate well with my heart.
ReplyDelete