yep, I definitely still don't know

It has been over a month since I last blogged. I've kind of been riding the thought-waves of the previous two posts. I've gotten some feedback (in person) from several very important and influential people in my life, and I'm definitely continually getting more and more confused. So as always, I'm going to try to straighten some of this shit out (how's that for a thesis).

My good friend and former seventh grade teacher, Tracey, offered the theory that I never rebelled from authority as a child or teenager, so this is a rather late manifestation of the need to rebel- a rite of passage, if you will. I can definitely see that. Although, I would like to move from reacting to my surroundings (through rebellion) to interacting with my surroundings by creating the context in which I act instead of being shaped by the situation. I don't want to go through my life doing things just because that's the way everyone else is doing it, especially when the way it is being done now does not work.

I am so tired whenever I think about my future because I feel trapped and and lethargic. Let me explain those feelings. With talking with my mom, she basically reached the conclusion that college is so worthwhile (even considering the exorbitant financial cost) that it is still a place at which I should feel worthy of being even if I don't take any sort of convential job (in which I would make money) afterwards. This was comforting for me to hear, but possibly in a bad way. It's the kind of comforting that allows me to become passive. My mom was suggesting that, because I want to learn, college is the best place to do that. The learning is guided and intensive and I have my peers to learn with and from, expanding my horizons at the same time. It's so easy to learn in college. And that is the problem. When things are easily accessible, they loose their value- not their inherent value, but their perceived value, I guess. And it's generally a rule of human nature that we don't work as hard towards less valuable things. Yes, I can consciously choose to be proactive about my education while in college, but it is so easy to be lulled into a routine of simply doing the work to earn the grades. That is, historically, the mode in which I have worked throughout my education. And yes, it does work, but it can't be nearly as beneficial as an education I have worked to gain for myself, learning what I need or want to learn and applying it right away. Most of my education is so abstract that I don't see its usefulness to me (not that I should only learn things that are useful). I have definitely learned something this first half of my first semester of college, but at this level, most of it seems so extraneous. Until I talked with my mom, I was constantly mulling over, considering, worrying, and thinking about my future because it was unknown what my future held beyond december. But as soon as I felt comfortable going along with college, I could feel my mind turn off from planning what I can do next- four years is plenty of time to think. I am a procrastinator. I do not do work until I can feel the squeeze between the rock solid now and the hard place that is deadline. Even if college is worthwhile, I still will always take issue with the fact that it is an education gained through consumption, or more directly put, that I am consuming an education. That is not in line with a core belief of mine, which can be summed up when necessary as voluntary poverty (or simplicity). By chance, I have been put into a loving family that happens to live in the richest, most powerful country in the world. None of that was earned or acheived by me. I do not deserve it. My mom suggests I consider the opportunity to receive a college education as gift, but it is a gift I am compelled to refuse because it is not a gift given to all. I don't propose to have everyone get an equal ration of education somehow as in communism, but I also can't go about my daily life consuming so much, profiting off of unjust institutions so much when the majority of the people of the world and basically all of what is left of the biosphere is put at such a disadvantage because of it. It is a paradox with which I cannot live to both wish to work towards greater justice in the world and to be a willing (if passive) member of the systems that cause the injustice. For my work study, I get paid minimum wage ($5.15 per hour) to do basically nothing while women in Bangladesh get paid 3 cents an hour to work for 12 or more hours straight, doing a repeated task under threat of violence or being fired if they don't work fast enough. This is allowed to happen because the fundamental and supreme value in any "developed" country is profit, no matter who or what gets hurt in its pursuit. And I cannot see how a liberal arts education is aiding me in fighting against this supreme value. My mom concluded her arguments in favor of college by reminding me to judge whether something I am doing is worthwhile or not by judging if it is life-giving. I'm having a hard time seeing how life is being given in college. But for now, I will give it another semester, mostly because I still have no clue how I can support myself- no concrete plans, only talk and theories at this point. I hate making idle threats, and it's not easy leading a life in continual conflict over my current status. I suppose I need to start small- take back my life in little ways every day. I'll end this post, for now, with a poem by Hank.

your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank
submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the
darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you
chances.
know them, take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death
in life,
sometimes.
and the more often you
learn to do it,
the more light ther will
be.
you life is your life.
know it while you have
it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in
you.