I recently came across a shortened version of the video that eventually led to my vegetarianness via Trudy Boots. You can either go to her myspace profile or see the google(TM) video: Meet your meat. I will warn you that it is disturbing to watch, but I think it is vital as a human being (and by that, I mean as an animal, as a part of an ecosystem) to be aware of where the food that you eat comes from. Even though I hope to eat non-factory farmed meat in the future, I am also ashamed that I am not hardcore enough to be vegan for the moment. I'm going to want to cut out dairy eventually anyway. I'll finish out the semester, being sustained on pizza and quesadillas, and then I'll see what I can do afterwards. I'm certainly looking forward to three glorious weeks of organic food at Dancing Rabbit. I really do need to get gardening right now. The waiting - on everything - needs to stop.
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Motivated by shame and guilt? Fear? We all are, of course -- but ever since I've read No Death No Fear I've seriously been questioning this. Why do we feel shame, or guilt? What are we ashamed of? And most importantly -- how sincere is motivation that comes from shame, guilt, or fear?
ReplyDeleteIf waiting is a part of your story, then by all means wait. I've had periods in my life where downtime was the most important thing I could have given myself. After twelve years of turning myself on and off like a lightbulb, whenever someone pulled the cord -- after twelve years of doing work I had no intrinsic motivation to do, work that was motivated extrinsically by guilt and fear -- what I needed most was a break.
I read Summerhill, by AS Neill, about a very non-traditional school he founded. They don't have compulsory classes and the kids are completely self-directed. One of the most interesting things he wrote about was how long it would take a kid to go to class of their own volition, coming from a public school. Often it would take over a year. This year would be spent playing, under little pressure (if any, it'd be coming from an interested peer) to go to classes. It would take this long for the kids to trust that they were not being hoodwinked, to learn that it was truly up to them if and when they wanted to go.
I've seen my own story in similar terms. It's been almost a year now since I've been fully out of school, and I've seriously needed this year to decompress. I've often said that the most important thing I've done, in dropping out of school, is give myself the space to become who I truly am. And this takes time, and patience -- and, of course, space.
It takes a lot of faith, and a lot of letting go (unlearning -- or rather, rewilding), but eventually we find our way.
Here's the fun part. Do you feel guilty about being guilty? Ashamed of being ashamed? We're getting into paradoxical territory now, the only way out is to learn your story and embrace your emotions, whatever they are -- and once you have embraced them, to let them go.
So if you're waiting? Wait! If you feel guilty, feel guilty! But don't get stuck in one emotion: feeling guilty about guilty, waiting to wait (don't put off waiting!), fearing fear, and so on and so forth.
- Devin
I think that's what I was doing - embracing my emotion, shame, that I had at that moment. I know shame is not a good basis at all for motivating action. I think a lot of people feel compelled towards restrictive diets like vegetarianism out of shame. I did not intend to convert people to vegetarianism with that video. That may be the intent of the video itself (and maybe I should have thought that through more before posting it), but I only wanted to expand people's awareness. Ironically, it seems that even though my intent was simply awareness-expanding, I even fell into the shame trap myself. I did actually flinch when I wrote that part, but I stuck with it because that is what I was feeling, and I didn't want to hide that.
ReplyDeleteThe waiting - upon reflection, I realize that that came directly through my superego from my mom (hi mom). A couple weeks ago, she asked how I can be so interested in permaculture if I've never expressed an interest in gardening before and do not even garden now. Without fully being conscious of the reasons why, I have been in a gestation phase these past few month where I'm not doing much of anything, kind of recovering. Of course, it can only be a partial recovery while I'm still occasionally forced to turn on like a light bulb to produce a paper or a test here and there. Three more weeks. Of disturbed waiting. Then the project of my full recovery/unschooling/unlearning/rewilding can begin.
Thanks for calling me on my sloppy writing/thinking processes.
I'm on the same path. This will be the summer of exploration. It's time.
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