Sara

I am carefully tearing apart my old life, my old way of living. I am changing. I have been changing. I change. I say "carefully" as if I'm in control, but I am most certainly not. I can take the first step on a lot of things, but after that, I don't know where the path I stepped down is going to take me. And even that first step is only possible within the specific context of a lot of outside factors. And sometimes, I don't even get to make that first step for myself. Sometimes, I'm following someone else's lead.

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That happens to be the case for this one particular change. Sara and I broke up. It was at the beginning of our second week at Dancing Rabbit, which means that it's been a little over a month now since it happened. I don't want to go into the whole story here, but feel free to ask me about it one-on-one. Neither Sara nor I are completely whole and healthy, and our being together was essentially insulating ourselves from that reality. I know that in my case, I have been changing so much that I don't really know who "me" is. I've spent a lot of time peeling away the facade I wore throughout my adolescence and simply replacing it with other superficial things. I don't know what my core is. I don't know what a core even looks like. I know I must have one, but I have so many layers of defense mechanisms and insecurities put up around it that I don't know how to split through those to find myself again. So that's basically the purpose of our break up. We are still good friends (which is something I don't know how to really do yet, but I'm letting myself go with the flow, as it is). I am grateful to Sara for initiating this opportunity for growth. I never would have done it. I was way too comfortable. (There are other, more fucked up reasons why I never would have done it, but I don't feel like going into those here, yet).

I guess I should let you know that I did not take the break up as well as I'm showing myself to have here. I have already gone through a lot of emotional angst, followed by attempts at numbing myself, and then more angst (to greatly simplify the pattern of behavior). I've grieved sufficiently for now and am pretty okay with where Sara and I are in relation to each other, but it's taken a month to get at least this far. I'm excited about the unknown future.

More on that "tomorrow."

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