I've been in a funk lately. Part of it is winter. Part, I'm sure, is that I've been eating more crappy food than usual lately. Another big part is that there is a lot of opportunities this time of year to reconnect with friends, and I've been missing a lot of those connections. Also, as a side note, I immediately fell back into my laptop addiction, ironically, beginning with my post about becoming free of it.
So I'm getting back out into the real world again. I took a jog/walk late last night exploring streets I've never been on in my neighborhood, which was really good. I'll be doing more of that.
I kind of feel fragile. And listless. Like I don't have the capacity to get deeply engrossed in anything right now. I'm going to play with centering myself, engaging myself completely in whatever feels most appealing in each moment.
I came up with a metaphor, which I think is an original thought (a rare event, as far as I am aware), earlier today to explain my lack of motivation right now. I am a boat. And throughout my childhood, I had a motor strapped on my back, pushing me forward at a very fast pace (heading where?), and that motor, for the most part, was being guided by someone else. Now I've unstrapped myself from that motor and lofted some sails. Now I am at the helm and am learning how to discern my own course. So there's a learning curve there. And I think I'm in some doldrums right now. I have a lot of intent, but little wind in my sails. It may take several weeks or a month or more, but I'll wander into some trade winds eventually.
Very appropriate metaphor! I'd have to agree with that feeling myself. Once you disengage from being propelled externally, it's hard to get your own bearings. It's also an amazingly liberating feeling, if you let it be.
ReplyDeleteThese things are generally cyclical. You go up on the mountain top and gather the sun so you can draw from your stash when you are in the valley. Just keep in mind that the journey is the journey and there are things to be learned from everyone and every situation.
ReplyDeleteJust keep those sails to the wind and you'll be fine.
"If a man is crossing a river and an empty boat collides with his own skiff, even though he be a bad-tempered man he will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in the boat, he will shout at him to steer clear. If the shout is not heard, he will shout again, and yet again, and begin cursing. And all because there is somebody in the boat. Yet if the boat were empty, he would not be shouting, and not angry. If you can empty your own boat crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you, no one will seek to harm you.... Who can free himself from achievement, and from fame, descend and be lost amid the masses of men? He will flow like Tao, unseen, he will go about like Life itself with no name and no home. Simple is he, without distinction. To all appearances he is a fool. His steps leave no trace. He has no power. He achieves nothing, has no reputation. Since he judges no one, no one judges him. Such is the perfect man: His boat is empty."
ReplyDelete- Chuang Tzu, 4th Century BCE
The boat metaphor is as lovely as it is apt.
ReplyDeleteChuang Tze <3
ReplyDeleteI go through those periods, the ones where you just don't have the motivation to do anything - there are loads of cool things you could start, but you can't be assed to make a start on any of them. I just yield to it all, and let it flow through, confident that when it passes I will re-enter my usually creative self.
I'm in the doldrums myself...and considering ditching the apartment. (Last yr I ditched the house, acreage, job, and husband). I love the empty boat metaphor.
ReplyDeleteI recently found Ran Prieur's writings. I would love to go offgrid or maybe solo camp in the warmer months this year. whatever. Central America has been on my mind.
I've been receiving intense pressure from my parents to get moving and "make something of myself". HA! I'm over 50 now and have long long ago given up trying to please their work ethic expectations. I'd rather be homeless than imprison myself in an office cubicle again.
I'm at the point now where I just want to listen to the sounds of nature, meet people, and write. I can't change the world. I can't change others. But I CAN slow down and treasure these moments..at all costs. I can play the fool, stop chasing the dollar (even for rent money) and become an economad. I've considered wwoofing also.
I'm looking to travel with somebody(s) who will watch my back while I sleep.
Nice to see you back online, Tom. I've been wondering.
Deb in San Diego
(formerly stressing on PBU blogging)
PS - my email is debrrr@gmail.com
Hi Tom. First time visitor. It's funny how when you are feeling something, you stumble upon someone else feeling the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote about how tough it is de-attaching (is that a word?) from the cultural path and expectations that are placed upon us as we grow up. In a sense, we are failures in the cultural sense of the word and have to re-define are expectations for ourselves. Like you, some days I feel as though my sails are full of wind. Others, not so much. We just need to find others who help us stay afloat.
PS - I also have a computer addiction. I tried to disconnect for a month and ended up doing it for 8 days. Yee-haw!
ReplyDelete