Finding peace

I feel disconnected from the world and not quite at peace with myself, and I think it is because of my life situation right now (see previous post). I'm unsure of where I am and who I am. It's scary to say that, but I know I have great potential to learn right now. So here's what's been going on in my life recently:

I went to ecc (ecumenical catholic community) for the first time saturday night. I enjoyed it very much. I actually felt spiritually fed (the first time I've felt that I've "gotten something" out of a mass in a long time).

I have finally finished reading The Power of Now. I have found a lot of truth in that book. Unfortunately, since it took so long for me to read, I want to read it again soon (and that's why I bought it), hopefully in a shorter span of time. The most immediate realization I have gained from the book is how much of my identity I invest in things that aren't me at all. The most obvious example of this is my identity on the internet. In the past few years, I've let my opinions be me, and those opinions become fossilized and personally idolized in this blog. My blog serves as a catharsis (so excuse me for expecting you to read my intellectual and emotional excrement), and that is good. But there is still an unhealthy element of pride, a feeling of there, I said it, in which I put those opinions out there and believe that people can get to know me through them. 1) I'd have to go into a lot more detail about my daily life in order for that to be anywhere near effective, should that be my goal, and 2) my opinions are just my ego talking, looking to push away enemys and better up myself. So I'd like to de-emphasize the role that opinions have in my life. The other, more recent addition to my internet identity is facebook. If you are unaware of what this digital/social phenomenon is, I'll attempt to describe it. First, if you know what MySpace is (which I don't expect to be true for most people who read this), it is basically like that, but exclusively for college students. But basically, you create a profile giving a basic rundown of your life- interests, taste in books, music, and movies, favorite quotes. And you link with friends. So it serves as a ditigal social network for you to connect with people or just learn more about them (at least superficially). And I have become addicted to it. There are a list of things I do whenever I first get on the computer: check email, check friends' blogs, (and now) check facebook to see how many "friends" I have. If that isn't pure ego acting on my behalf, I don't know what is.

Thankfully, this will be my last week of working at my current job. It has gotten better since I've been working with some people instead of others. Comments they make (regarding race, sex, orientation) still drive me up the wall, but I'm working on it. The other side of why I don't like my job at all is that it forces me to give up any attempt at being environmentally conscious (ie driving a car everywhere again). I was really looking forward to not driving at all when the summer started, but that was quickly pushed aside as I jumped at the opportunity to make money. So I now look forward to not driving once the school year starts (now that I'll be living where I attend classes). I don't really mind anymore that my vocabulary has been expanded. Yes, it is a bit of a bad habit, but I see it mainly as an issue of class. Or education. It's really just a matter of getting over myself because even if I don't intend to, I make myself feel superior by refraining from cussing. So I use it when appropriate. The thing is that they are words used in anger most of the time, so I hope to hardly ever use them, as I grow more and more peaceful.

My spiritual life is in a genuine upheaval. I will not take anything for granted. I will think through and accept every individual tenant before I own it. It's the only way I can be honest with myself and truly believe what I'm trying to believe. So I'm really starting from scratch. I know I'm not Roman Catholic (I'm very comfortable in that church because it is where I grew up, but beliefnet showed me I wasn't Catholic a long time ago). But now I am thinking through: am I christian? Do I even think organized religion is worthwhile? Is there a personal God? Sure, I've asked these questions before, but I've never been brave enough to really consider any alternatives. But now I am.

My relationship with Sara is very pleasant right now, but I know that will not necessarily be the case forever, so I want to correct things early in the relationship so that they are even healthier later. I think I am addicted to you right now, Sara. The challenge is to find better ways to love her each day, but I still need to be taking care of myself all the time as well. So I need balance.

There is plenty more I could talk about, but I need sleep. I already feel more peaceful. I told you this is cathartic.

Change

My life is in a state of flux. I just graduated from high school and am starting college. I have a month of working under my belt at my first job, a full time job in which I had very little previous experience. I also have a month of experience in the only serious relationship I've ever been in under my belt. I'm not even wearing a belt right now. That's impressive. And I also happen to have begun the rebuilding of my spiritual life recently. It's been slow in coming and in growing.

I am tired. I have exhausted my body (capitalist sell-out that I am), spirit, and soul. I need to rest and nurture myself. Think about things (I've kind of been giving my intellect a break for a while- so behind on my reading). One thing that I am often affronted with at work is my plans for a career. I'm having a hard time justifying to myself the need for a very expensive education when my plans for the future at this point are to tend my garden and love and serve people. I really need to look for a job that I can love in the meantime. It's great that I am rehabbing old houses, but it is such an unhealthy environment for me to be in. I am learning and adapting, and that is good. My vocabulary is most probably permanently altered, and I am now mostly used to a smoky environment- two things that aren't very good. I would like to do something with art or books or even fair-trade coffee. That would be nice. And Sara is wonderful. I am learning a lot about this kind of relationship, and learning it fairly quickly. It is a very healthy relationship, I think, and I look forward to it growing more deeply, slowly. And I definitely need to tend to the garden of my soul. It has been neglected, and the things that used to feed me spiritually (or maybe were force-fed) no longer do. So I am in the process of exploring where I am, where God is, and where I can meet God now. I am going to start reading again, and that will help. I plan to journal (personally) more, and that will be good. I plan to check out a catholic church (yes, small "c"- as in actual universality) that some of my friends have gone to. And the society o' friends. And even the episcopalians. I am glad that I have a foundation from which to spring, though.

Life is changing. Change can lead to a lot of growth. Change is good.