I feel disconnected from the world and not quite at peace with myself, and I think it is because of my life situation right now (see previous post). I'm unsure of where I am and who I am. It's scary to say that, but I know I have great potential to learn right now. So here's what's been going on in my life recently:
I went to ecc (ecumenical catholic community) for the first time saturday night. I enjoyed it very much. I actually felt spiritually fed (the first time I've felt that I've "gotten something" out of a mass in a long time).
I have finally finished reading The Power of Now. I have found a lot of truth in that book. Unfortunately, since it took so long for me to read, I want to read it again soon (and that's why I bought it), hopefully in a shorter span of time. The most immediate realization I have gained from the book is how much of my identity I invest in things that aren't me at all. The most obvious example of this is my identity on the internet. In the past few years, I've let my opinions be me, and those opinions become fossilized and personally idolized in this blog. My blog serves as a catharsis (so excuse me for expecting you to read my intellectual and emotional excrement), and that is good. But there is still an unhealthy element of pride, a feeling of there, I said it, in which I put those opinions out there and believe that people can get to know me through them. 1) I'd have to go into a lot more detail about my daily life in order for that to be anywhere near effective, should that be my goal, and 2) my opinions are just my ego talking, looking to push away enemys and better up myself. So I'd like to de-emphasize the role that opinions have in my life. The other, more recent addition to my internet identity is facebook. If you are unaware of what this digital/social phenomenon is, I'll attempt to describe it. First, if you know what MySpace is (which I don't expect to be true for most people who read this), it is basically like that, but exclusively for college students. But basically, you create a profile giving a basic rundown of your life- interests, taste in books, music, and movies, favorite quotes. And you link with friends. So it serves as a ditigal social network for you to connect with people or just learn more about them (at least superficially). And I have become addicted to it. There are a list of things I do whenever I first get on the computer: check email, check friends' blogs, (and now) check facebook to see how many "friends" I have. If that isn't pure ego acting on my behalf, I don't know what is.
Thankfully, this will be my last week of working at my current job. It has gotten better since I've been working with some people instead of others. Comments they make (regarding race, sex, orientation) still drive me up the wall, but I'm working on it. The other side of why I don't like my job at all is that it forces me to give up any attempt at being environmentally conscious (ie driving a car everywhere again). I was really looking forward to not driving at all when the summer started, but that was quickly pushed aside as I jumped at the opportunity to make money. So I now look forward to not driving once the school year starts (now that I'll be living where I attend classes). I don't really mind anymore that my vocabulary has been expanded. Yes, it is a bit of a bad habit, but I see it mainly as an issue of class. Or education. It's really just a matter of getting over myself because even if I don't intend to, I make myself feel superior by refraining from cussing. So I use it when appropriate. The thing is that they are words used in anger most of the time, so I hope to hardly ever use them, as I grow more and more peaceful.
My spiritual life is in a genuine upheaval. I will not take anything for granted. I will think through and accept every individual tenant before I own it. It's the only way I can be honest with myself and truly believe what I'm trying to believe. So I'm really starting from scratch. I know I'm not Roman Catholic (I'm very comfortable in that church because it is where I grew up, but beliefnet showed me I wasn't Catholic a long time ago). But now I am thinking through: am I christian? Do I even think organized religion is worthwhile? Is there a personal God? Sure, I've asked these questions before, but I've never been brave enough to really consider any alternatives. But now I am.
My relationship with Sara is very pleasant right now, but I know that will not necessarily be the case forever, so I want to correct things early in the relationship so that they are even healthier later. I think I am addicted to you right now, Sara. The challenge is to find better ways to love her each day, but I still need to be taking care of myself all the time as well. So I need balance.
There is plenty more I could talk about, but I need sleep. I already feel more peaceful. I told you this is cathartic.
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You know, I wasn't really a practicing Catholic until I met your Auntie. Sure, I professed to believe everything but didn't put the self-mastery part into practice until we got together. During my high school years I used to "listen" to albums in my head during mass. Queen and ELO were my favs. I'd suddenly find myself standing during the Our Father and wonder if I had stood throughout the consecration. But the possible embarrassment was quickly replaced by the guitar solo in Brighton Rock (the live version, which at one time I "prayed [to myself, actually]" would be the music I heard on my journey to wherever I was going after death) and back to the head-concert I went.
ReplyDeleteThen my dad got cancer when I was 19 and withered away for 6 months before dying a dignified death. It was horrible, but he was like Job, refusing to "curse God and die". And I was an orphan who still had alot to say to his dad, and continued saying it to him although he was dead. An objective person would have to conclude that I was either mentally ill (concocting conversations, albeit a monologue, in my head to a non-existent character... like Hillary says she had with Eleanor Roosevelt!) or was acting in faith that somehow that person existed someplace and could hear me or someone (or is it someOne) did hear and could convey the message. In hindsight, I believe that act-of-faith was rewarded by being introduced for the first time to the real Jesus. For the first time in my life, He revealed himself to me, although I barely understood what was happening... but it took the 'upheaval' of my father's death to chip away the veneer of my ego so that the only thing that remained was a broken, needy boy weeping for his daddy. And I what I got in response to that spiritual "message in a bottle" was a Daddy who heard my lamentation and sent my Brother to let me know all was well, and that the person who was my father still existed and that my relationship with him could actually continue to grow. It wasn't a 'wow' moment; it just gave me confidence that I wasn't left orphaned.
Of course it took me from 19 to 43 to get my shtuff straight. But during that time I never doubted that a 'person' allowed it all to happen (and encouraged it) and that person was the Jesus of the Gospels proclaimed by the church called Catholic.
It was only after I met and developed a rapport with Him that any of the tenets made sense and I realized that all the warts of this church are just warts on the skin of aints who long to be saints but are still looking for Daddy to help them do the right thing. That's why I find the Gospel we took for our wedding so awesome. "No one has ever seen God. It is Jesus... who has revealed him."
Amazing how much time one has to blog when unemployed! ;)