Things I don't know, but hope to figure out

I don't know why I am in college. It certainly isn't to get a degree so I can get a job. That is what college's manifest function has (d)evolved into: training people for a specialized job. Universities used to be places young, intelligent people gathered together to share ideas and learn for the sake of learning. It is now a place to purchase the required knowledge in order to make more money than you otherwise could.

So it sounds to me like there isn't a reason for me to be in college. I am not interested in making money, and that is what college is geared towards. And if it isn't, why is it so damn expensive? The only way to anticipate paying for such an extravagant education is by planning on fully immersing myself in the capitalist system upon graduation (something I'm not too keen on).

By now, I'm a month into my freshman year of college. Damn. The semester has already been paid for. I'll finish it out and maybe try to learn something while I'm here. Next big question:

How do I survive outside the system? Survival is a big motivator. And a hard one to accomplish at first, outside the system. I've been removed from any awareness of the natural instincts humans had for survival before civilization, not to mention being removed from the formerly bountiful environment in which such instincts could easily be played out (gathering wild fruit, grain, and nuts, hunting). It would be a very large burden to undertake feeding myself in our present environment, being outside the system, alone. So I need a community I can work with that can act creatively and more efficiently to meet our needs. Food not Bombs is a wonderful example of such a community, one I might want to get involved in. As far as shelter, there have been whispers across the internets of a possible commune in the works (settling on a city in which to choose an abandoned building to squat may pose a difficulty). Clothing? Well, I've already got a lot of that, from growing up capitalist. I'm sure being nudist would cut down on unnecessary clothes. Plus, if my current necessary clothing wears out, there's dumpster diving (There are actual plans in the works for a freegan expedition with some newly-made college buddies, by the way. One of the biggest problems I have is not acting out what I talk about. That needs to change. Now.)

That last parenthetical statement leads into another question: what does direct action mean for me? Let me first clarify what I mean by direct action. I formerly would have conjured up images of riots at the WTO convention in Seattle as being the archetype of direct action. That certainly is an example of direct action (however, on the extreme side), but there is so much more contained within the phrase direct action. Simply cooking a meal for yourself instead of eating out is direct action. Doing simpe car repairs yourself instead of taking it into the shop is direct action. Growing a garden that will supply a portion of the food you actually eat daily would be some wonderful direct action. Anything you need or want to happen that you accomplish directly instead of paying for or asking for or voting for is direct action. I want to do as many things by direct action as possible. That's pretty fundamental to enacting personal anarchy. But its areas like the example I gave at the beginning that give me trouble. Is that kind of direct action for me? And by that, I'm really asking why I believe in nonviolence. I have always been attracted to notions of peace, but they may have only been rooted in a general aversion to facing conflict. But the path that I am beginning to take is directly against the grain of the culture that surrounds me. In reality, I am putting myself in opposition to forces that do not like to be opposed and will try to force me back in line. Of course, my response to such oppression as it would arise, autonomous being that I am, would be to resist. Would the means of that resistance be whatever is necessary (as Malcolm X would have it) or would it be nonviolent, actively seeking a situation in which both sides win. The problem is, I don't really want the other side to win (and by other side, I mean any authoritarian institution or corporation). I want the other side to break down, that it might stop the oppression of humans and the earth. Yet I still have always felt that violence leads to more violence. That if a government would be overthrown violently, a more violent government would simply take its place. I also hold life as being of immense value (and human life, of infinite value, the christian in me says). On an even higher plane, it becomes a question of whether to live by principle (aka objective truth) or by moral relativism. That is a question not as easily answered as it used to be. I have always been convinced that there is objective truth, but I have never really had evidence of it. By extension, this has led me to seriously consider the existence of God, and I must say that, at times, I'd have to qualify myself as an agnostic. I do believe and have evidence for a spiritual plane, a spiritual element to life. How that manifests itself is not something I claim to have specific and definite knowledge of.

So right now, that paragraph is not able to reach a conclusion. It most likely just needs a decision on my part, a decision I can't, or won't, give right now.

In thinking about the possibilities for my life, I've realized that I don't remember my dreams. I don't remember if I had real dreams. I remember considering different occupations as a child- lego designer, contractor, teacher, librarian. But those were dreams contained within the system. I don't think I've ever let my imagination soar to its potential, and I've never had a vision of where I'd truly like to go with my life. That is a chronic problem for those of the liberal bent. We're great at criticizing what is here now, but we're terrible at imagining and energizing towards a better future. I definitely need to work on that. I need to dream.