expand to read full post
I'm just tired all the time. Part of it is my being in a limbo between vegetarianism and omnivorism, I'm sure. But part of it is certainly some form of depression as well. Not that I'm sad. On the contrary, I'm very much apathetic most of the time. There are so many things I desire to spend my time doing, so much to expend energy on, to get excited about, but when it comes to acting on these desires, I'm met with a whole lot of lethargy. Some things are progressing, but very slowly, in stages, baby steps. I'm searching for intrinsic motivation and trying to balance that with what's still expected of me by others. I'm having a hard time not just shutting down at the prospect of doing anything that isn't intrinsically motivated, so I'm feeling selfish as hell.
When I do allow myself to feel, I feel fragile - like I want to curl up in the fetal position and be protected and nurtured. According to many of my societal circumstances, I am an adult. But I'm not an adult. I'm not ready to be an adult, and I don't want to be an adult. In some ways I may be at the point of coming of age, but in other ways, I am obviously still very much an infant.
While my internal state seems to be rather emo at the moment, my superficial circumstances are rather exciting. I'm so glad that Mike is able to get out of school because of what I can offer. We're going to have fun together. And I'm happy to have Sara as a close friend still, and happy for her that she has a permanent address (for now). It's been fun helping to set her up in her room and helping her build her bike. And we went dumpstering last night - all over town. It was her first time, and it was quite a first time. We hit up the Aldi's, Trader Joe's, World Market, and Sappington Farmer's market. Lot's of potatoes and bananas. More fruit and veggies, and even some chocolate. My brother and I also went shopping at Soulard farmer's market for the first time last saturday for the family's produce needs. No more supermarket produce for me. Oh, and I'm starting a batch of mead, using the recipe found in the Wild Fermentation book. I've also been using the library extensively lately, exploring new music (Neutral Milk Hotel being a new favorite) and reading up on gardening, forest gardens, and permaculture. I am actually rather excited about getting some sort of perennial edible garden going in the back yard. I've got the compost set up. I want to go ahead and start sheet composting too. I'm planning for it to be a no dig garden. I've also got a fire pit set up in the backyard for me to eventually practice friction fires in. The project we've started in homeschooling is learning about and constructing a relatively lifesize catapult (it's what he's interested in).
When I go over all that, I am actually excited and do feel pretty happy. I'm just kind of surfing the flow right now, trying to find my way to the fringes of civilization. I think the sentiments I was remarking on at the beginning of this post come from a dread at the idea of getting some part time work right now (I do want to save up some money to travel to europe with my friend Nathan). Maybe once things with the beginning of unschool settle in I'll be ready for that. For now, I really am tired, and it's because it's 3am and I've been up for 18 hours. So that's all for now.
I recognize a lot of what you are feeling. Funny that you posted about this today, because I posted something (vaguely) similar today also. For me, I had to finish with my childhood before I could fully enter adulthood. As a payoff, I discovered a huge amount of energy was now available to me, which I had previously used to purposely not finish with my childhood.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff here, Tom. Thanks.
it seems that we were commenting on each other's posts at the same time. i know i already commented there (my dropping out story) that i loved your dropping out story, but i'll say it here again. it's helping me understand where my apathy is coming from and how it can be helped.
ReplyDelete