my body remembers fall

I was out and about a lot today, going to different places on my bike, so I had ample opportunity to soak in the newly chilled air of fall. It's amazing how closely the shift in weather is tied with the approaching equinox. Anyway, I realized that this crisp cool weather - the kind of weather that would be really refreshing after the heat of a summer season - had a bit of a negative effect on my mood. It felt like it was weighing me down somehow. I felt ill at ease. I quickly realized that in my mind, this kind of weather change is probably very closely associated with school picking up to full speed, with the heavy workload that entails. This is the first fall in at least 13 years that I am not being saddled with such a burden, but my body doesn't know that. It doesn't yet know that it no longer needs to brace itself for the stress of five hours of homework each night, staying up til 1 or 2, and waking up early and in a hurried panic each morning. This routine has been drilled into the memory of my body. It's going to take a while for me to heal from the abuse I've been through, deinstitutionalize, deschool, unlearn the pattern of expecting and enduring the stress from the daily trauma of school. I want my body to rejoice with delight at the feel of the changing seasons. In the past, I always got seasonal depression at the onslaught of winter, beginning in november when school is at its peak in inducing misery. I can look forward with joy, at least with my mind, to the potential of a stressless november, but I expect it will be years until my body can do the same.

Tags:

• unschooling
• work
• ecology