Several days ago, Devin was talking to me about his unfulfilled need for play, and more pointedly, partners in play. I have witnessed my brother growing up being in a constant and never quite fulfilled pursuit of friends with whom he could play. I don't think I ever felt that need quite as strongly given my introvertedness, but the need to play itself I certainly felt just as strongly. I'm pretty sure that's universal.
expand to read the full post
Tuesday, April 18
Friday, April 14
What are you going to do next year?
I have a lot of questions in my mind, as usual. Many, I'm sure, I am not even able to put into words still. Some, of course, I can - mostly because they have already been asked to me by other people. And I don't have the answers when they ask these questions. "What are you going to do next year?" "How are you going to support yourself?" "What do you have to offer to the community if you were to join this eco-thingy you speak of?" "What is your long-term plan?"
And in each case, my answer can be summarized as "I don't know." Or perhaps, "I don't know, yet." Obviously, a lot is weighing right now on how the visit to Dancing Rabbit goes (just a month and a half away!). There's a lot I need to try to figure out during the three weeks that I'll be there.
expand to read the full post
If I do join the village, that answers the first question without a problem. It has been very easy and nice to actually have something, anything, to say when that question comes up. But, honestly, I don't know what the future holds for me. Just not school. I don't think people understand just how desperately I want to get away from the school setting. I am thoroughly institutionalized (I could not succeed in school otherwise). The regimented pattern of "learning" that takes place has sapped me of any and all creativity and original thought. Such is the result of being singlemindedly focused on fulfilling the requirements other people have set for me (again, in order to earn praise). I have no idea what I want to do with the time after I am finished with school, and it is precisely because of all of the schooling I have been through already. The only thing I know to do, in whatever way this may manifest itself, is to unschool myself. Deinstitutionalize. Try to reenergize whatever the source is of my creativity. Not until I do that will I be able to even start to figure out the answers to the rest of those questions. I have no idea how I would support myself at Dancing Rabbit, or elsewhere. If I don't wind up at DR, I could probably find cheap rent with a group of people, get a temporary minimum wage job and dumpster for food (while I continue to unschool and begin to learn what I might actually have to offer this world). And if I do end up at DR, there's no way to even know what kind of work would be available to me until I get there.
I have always wondered what I could possibly be good for in the workforce, what skills I could possibly offer. I used to say teacher (because I "liked" being a student), or architect (liked playing with legos and drawing (but not with a ruler)), or priest (ha). But I don't know. Whatever skill I do end up pursuing the development of, I want it to be practical. I could see myself going to a trade school of some sort. Carpentry perhaps. My mom has mentioned some sort of ecologically conscious construction company in the area. Perhaps I could check them out.
Obviously, Dancing Rabbit has the most potential to pose an answer to the question of what my long-term plans are. Coming to live in such a place would be a dream come true right now, taking a big step for myself in the right direction, away from civilization (and the civis - that fundamental building block of civilzation, the city).
I was talking with my Aunt Annie a couple weeks ago, and during our discussion about these things, she made me aware of a couple things. One, that when people disapprove of the direction in which I am taking my life, they are doing so out of love because they are worried about me. Two, that it seems as though my attempt to walk away from civilization is also an attempt to walk away from all of the relationships I have had throughout my life, relationships with people who are thoroughly planted in civilization and are not going to walk away from it any time soon. To the second point, I responded that it is certainly not my intent to cut myself off from relationships. Relationships are everything to me. It's all the stuff that distracts us from relating to one another that I want to be rid of. I do recognize that many of my relationships have been strained by the fact that my ideology has changed a lot as I have been able to start to make my own way from the foundation of the ideology I was given from birth. There is a commonality that used to be there that is now absent, and that is certainly a problem to be worked out (or played out, as I like to think of it) - how to continue relating to people, how to connect with people, when the common ideology is no longer there. Thankfully, ideology does not mean everything, and as much as people don't show it in there actions, there is something deeper than ideology in the nature of the human person over which everyone can connect. Appropriately, there is no name to give to that something, for otherwise, it would become part of some ideology. So that gives me hope.
A third comment my Aunt Annie made was that when I started to talk about permaculture, my eyes lit up. She was very happy to see that I was still passionate (in a positive manner) about something, that I had something that gives me life and joy, even if it is only an idea at this stage. And I am very happy about that too. When I say that I want to live in a manner that is "more than sustainable," I am referring to permaculture because permaculture is a kind of horticultural design that is, one, permanent (hence the name "permanent agriculture"), and two, rebuilds biodiversity and replenishes the life of the soil. That is what I am most passionate about learning and implementing at a place like Dancing Rabbit. I don't know how much permacultural design is already going on there (how much I could learn from them), but if there is not a lot as of yet, I want to go out and do whatever I need to do to learn about it and bring it there (my skill!).
Another option that I have been beginning to entertain is to enroll in an eleven month intensive program in which I would learn complete self-sufficiency (within the context of a group, of course) in the wilderness. From my perspective, this would be the most forward thinking and long term planning option available, as it is a goal of mine, if I go to Dancing Rabbit, to help establish a primitivist subcommunity there (which would certainly cut down on a lot of the living expenses, reducing the need for "supporting myself"!). It's just a thought in the beginning stages at this point. But it is all very exciting!
I still have questions that I have yet to get any closer to answering, and that's okay. That's how I like it, actually. I'd be more concerned if I felt that I had found all the answers. I don't ever expect that to be the case. I'll try to tackle a couple more another day, and we'll go from there.
And in each case, my answer can be summarized as "I don't know." Or perhaps, "I don't know, yet." Obviously, a lot is weighing right now on how the visit to Dancing Rabbit goes (just a month and a half away!). There's a lot I need to try to figure out during the three weeks that I'll be there.
expand to read the full post
If I do join the village, that answers the first question without a problem. It has been very easy and nice to actually have something, anything, to say when that question comes up. But, honestly, I don't know what the future holds for me. Just not school. I don't think people understand just how desperately I want to get away from the school setting. I am thoroughly institutionalized (I could not succeed in school otherwise). The regimented pattern of "learning" that takes place has sapped me of any and all creativity and original thought. Such is the result of being singlemindedly focused on fulfilling the requirements other people have set for me (again, in order to earn praise). I have no idea what I want to do with the time after I am finished with school, and it is precisely because of all of the schooling I have been through already. The only thing I know to do, in whatever way this may manifest itself, is to unschool myself. Deinstitutionalize. Try to reenergize whatever the source is of my creativity. Not until I do that will I be able to even start to figure out the answers to the rest of those questions. I have no idea how I would support myself at Dancing Rabbit, or elsewhere. If I don't wind up at DR, I could probably find cheap rent with a group of people, get a temporary minimum wage job and dumpster for food (while I continue to unschool and begin to learn what I might actually have to offer this world). And if I do end up at DR, there's no way to even know what kind of work would be available to me until I get there.
I have always wondered what I could possibly be good for in the workforce, what skills I could possibly offer. I used to say teacher (because I "liked" being a student), or architect (liked playing with legos and drawing (but not with a ruler)), or priest (ha). But I don't know. Whatever skill I do end up pursuing the development of, I want it to be practical. I could see myself going to a trade school of some sort. Carpentry perhaps. My mom has mentioned some sort of ecologically conscious construction company in the area. Perhaps I could check them out.
Obviously, Dancing Rabbit has the most potential to pose an answer to the question of what my long-term plans are. Coming to live in such a place would be a dream come true right now, taking a big step for myself in the right direction, away from civilization (and the civis - that fundamental building block of civilzation, the city).
I was talking with my Aunt Annie a couple weeks ago, and during our discussion about these things, she made me aware of a couple things. One, that when people disapprove of the direction in which I am taking my life, they are doing so out of love because they are worried about me. Two, that it seems as though my attempt to walk away from civilization is also an attempt to walk away from all of the relationships I have had throughout my life, relationships with people who are thoroughly planted in civilization and are not going to walk away from it any time soon. To the second point, I responded that it is certainly not my intent to cut myself off from relationships. Relationships are everything to me. It's all the stuff that distracts us from relating to one another that I want to be rid of. I do recognize that many of my relationships have been strained by the fact that my ideology has changed a lot as I have been able to start to make my own way from the foundation of the ideology I was given from birth. There is a commonality that used to be there that is now absent, and that is certainly a problem to be worked out (or played out, as I like to think of it) - how to continue relating to people, how to connect with people, when the common ideology is no longer there. Thankfully, ideology does not mean everything, and as much as people don't show it in there actions, there is something deeper than ideology in the nature of the human person over which everyone can connect. Appropriately, there is no name to give to that something, for otherwise, it would become part of some ideology. So that gives me hope.
A third comment my Aunt Annie made was that when I started to talk about permaculture, my eyes lit up. She was very happy to see that I was still passionate (in a positive manner) about something, that I had something that gives me life and joy, even if it is only an idea at this stage. And I am very happy about that too. When I say that I want to live in a manner that is "more than sustainable," I am referring to permaculture because permaculture is a kind of horticultural design that is, one, permanent (hence the name "permanent agriculture"), and two, rebuilds biodiversity and replenishes the life of the soil. That is what I am most passionate about learning and implementing at a place like Dancing Rabbit. I don't know how much permacultural design is already going on there (how much I could learn from them), but if there is not a lot as of yet, I want to go out and do whatever I need to do to learn about it and bring it there (my skill!).
Another option that I have been beginning to entertain is to enroll in an eleven month intensive program in which I would learn complete self-sufficiency (within the context of a group, of course) in the wilderness. From my perspective, this would be the most forward thinking and long term planning option available, as it is a goal of mine, if I go to Dancing Rabbit, to help establish a primitivist subcommunity there (which would certainly cut down on a lot of the living expenses, reducing the need for "supporting myself"!). It's just a thought in the beginning stages at this point. But it is all very exciting!
I still have questions that I have yet to get any closer to answering, and that's okay. That's how I like it, actually. I'd be more concerned if I felt that I had found all the answers. I don't ever expect that to be the case. I'll try to tackle a couple more another day, and we'll go from there.
Friday, April 7
a life of loud desperation
I have not had a roommate this semester, but it has taken me a very long time to move into the extra space. The extra space, for the most part, is simply unnecessary. However, today, for the first time, I opened up the venician blinds that have stayed put all year (spanning the whole window and mostly open). The clouds this afternoon are gorgeous, with the sun setting slowly behind them, filling up the edges of the clouds with its brilliance and spilling over in streaks of glory. My appreciation of them was greatly multipled by finally thinking to slide back the blinds. The borders of the different window panes are still obstructing my wonderful view, but it is wonderful nonetheless.
An unintended result of opening up one side of my room so much is that it becomes so much more evident that I am living in an concrete box. I've got it dressed up real pretty with a bunch of posters and pictures and maps, but it's still a box made out of the same kind of blocks one would expect to find in a prison, another place, incidentally, whose purpose is to supposedly mold people's behavior and train them to do what they need to do. It's the same kind of thing that goes on here. We just have a better euphemism for this prison than "house of corrections." We call it "education," making it sound like the people in these institutions are being empowered, when in reality it is just another tool for social control.
expand to read the full post
I am, of course, painting a bleaker picture than what the reality experienced is. Obviously, I am not kept in this concrete box by any physical force, only social pressures. I have the keys. Everyone has the keys. And they have us trained so well that no one wants to let themselves out. Well I do, and I'm going to. I may be using exaggeration for effect, but I'm not exaggerating too much.
My uncle made a comment a few days ago (one of the rare ones where he doesn't try to convey his unique sense of humor through texual form and end up infuriating me) that started me thinking about this topic on a broader scale, or "me" in general. He said,
First off, even though this blog is deceptively titled "tom campbell," it does not, in fact, sum up the entirety of my being. His analysis of "me" is absolutely correct if it is applied only to the words that I put here. This blog is obviously completely in the realm of abstractions, and yes, I do allow myself to be both extremely idealistic and cynical when writing in this blog. I almost take it as more of a compliment that he recognizes my ability to be very idealistic and very cynical at the same time. I take pride in being so seemingly contradictory. Both of those words have a lot of baggage, so it's hard to tell what precise definitions are being implied by their use in any particular case, except, to some extent, by context. Idealism could refer to the philosophy of Plato's Forms (something I despise) or simply being optimistic and striving for a goal. Cynicism can refer, again, to a philosophy - this one being that the only good is to be found in virtue resulting in the incessant pointing out of instances in which everyone else is not as virtuous as they should be (something, again, that I despise. I really hope people don't think that that is what I try to do with this blog), or simply as a negative view of the current state of affairs. I would assume that my uncle is using the second (generalized) definition in the case of both words. If I am correct to assume that, is there something bad about having a goal to strive for? (I'm still working out how that is different from the myth of progress. I know it is, but it's still muddled for me.) And is criticizing and trying to make others aware of what one sees as bad not a worthy practice? (of course it is, or else my uncle wouldn't do it himself with his comments either.)
My uncle puts in quotes the word problem, so as to suggest that there isn't actually any problem with the way things are currently going. That is the premise under which he operates - there is no problem. He's right, of course. Our system in America is perfect. It is utopian. But Utopia only works if the people living in it are also perfect. And that will never be the case. People are not perfect. They are not necessarily even good. Or bad. People just are. So when imperfect people are expected to perform perfectly in a perfect system and fail, there's a problem. Sorry, there just is.
That is the premise I start with - there is something very very wrong with our culture today. My uncle commented at one point that he profoundly disagrees with my conclusions and the logic by which I reach those conclusions. I would like my uncle to point out the logical fallacies in my arguments, because I don't think it's my conclusions he disagrees with but the premises I start out with, and premises can't be argued over - one either accepts them or she doesn't. Hence the "agreeing to disagree," as my personal philosophy certainly allows for, what with there being no one right way and all.
I would also contest the idea that I am idealistic, actually. I'm not saying that I'm not striving for some pretty lofty goals, because I definitely am. It is certainly extremely idealistic from my uncle's perspective, but from my perspective, it is actually extremely realistic and practical for me to pursue these goals to "fix the 'problem.'" This civilization will collapse. It is bound to happen eventually. But I think there is sufficient evidence to show that this collapse I refer to will happen sooner rather than later. With this in mind, becoming as independent from the system and as self-sufficient as possible is a supremely practical and pressing goal in the pursuit of a happy and successful future. I will admit to being blatantly and unapologetically selfish right now. But my take on being selfish involves opening myself up to community in which I am completely non-individualistic but rather find security in interdependence with other people. Humans are social beings and would not have been evolutionarily fit if they did not cooperate and collaborate with each other. But genes only care about proliferating themselves, not cooperating lovingly and peacefully with other genes in the hippie camp. The cooperation serves an underlying self-interested purpose of increasing chances of survival. So if it feels like I am separating myself and going off to build a life in which I am concerned with my survival alone, that is partially true, from my genes' perspective. It's only partially true because 1) as I've described, it is in the best interest of my genes to help others in my tribe to survive as well, and 2) my genes, as much as I'm sure they would like to, don't run the show. Their phenotype (or "me") does that. And that phenotype does have motives outside of proliferating genes (e.g. not wanting to contribute to the continued overpopulation of the planet by one, very dangerous species). I would like to aid other people in making their own jumps off of this sinking ship. But to promptly switch metaphors on you, it is as in the case of an emergency on an airplane when the oxygen mask drops - you put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. I need to take care of myself before I am able to think to take care of other people.
So am I extreme in my "idealism" and cynicism? Only to the extent that I am also able to say that my uncle is in extreme denial about what he passes off as a fabricated problem. (Again, it comes down to premises).
As I said, though, this blog does not = me. This blog happens to be where all of this heavy shit ends up. I am able to put my thoughts here (my abstractions) and can be free of them to some extent the rest of the time. While I may appear to be overwhelmingly cynical about our culture here, that does not preclude me from being a relatively happy guy elsewhere. As far as I can self-diagnose, I am not suffering from depression, although that particular bit may be skewed by the fact that I am doped up on entertainment and other distractions most of the time still. My distractions may be of higher quality (surfing the internet instead of surfing the channels on a television, listening to ani difranco and radiohead instead of pop music on the radio), but they are distractions nonetheless, screening me from facing to a full extent the reality of living in this culture of isolation and control. This blog will either completely cease to exist or radically shift in content once I successfully plant myself firmly in the reality of the present moment because at that point, all of these abstractions will become unimportant as I start to experience what they are meant to represent.
The biggest and most important abstraction to me is community. For me, the search for community is synonymous with the search for love and acceptance. As far as I can tell, this is a universal human desire, and 19 years in this culture is plenty to understand that I am not going to fulfill that desire entirely from within such a culture. I do not want to lead a life of quiet desparation. First I am going to be loud about my despair. Then I'm going to find hope.
Edit [4/8/06 2:13pm]: Jason Godesky happened to be writing about the ethics of collapse at roughly the same time I was (since this post actually only began at 6:35pm and was publised around 4am). It answers similar, if broader, critiques about essentially the same kind of things I'm talking about here, and does so eloquently as always.
An unintended result of opening up one side of my room so much is that it becomes so much more evident that I am living in an concrete box. I've got it dressed up real pretty with a bunch of posters and pictures and maps, but it's still a box made out of the same kind of blocks one would expect to find in a prison, another place, incidentally, whose purpose is to supposedly mold people's behavior and train them to do what they need to do. It's the same kind of thing that goes on here. We just have a better euphemism for this prison than "house of corrections." We call it "education," making it sound like the people in these institutions are being empowered, when in reality it is just another tool for social control.
expand to read the full post
I am, of course, painting a bleaker picture than what the reality experienced is. Obviously, I am not kept in this concrete box by any physical force, only social pressures. I have the keys. Everyone has the keys. And they have us trained so well that no one wants to let themselves out. Well I do, and I'm going to. I may be using exaggeration for effect, but I'm not exaggerating too much.
My uncle made a comment a few days ago (one of the rare ones where he doesn't try to convey his unique sense of humor through texual form and end up infuriating me) that started me thinking about this topic on a broader scale, or "me" in general. He said,
"It seems that you like and dislike abstracts, and both sets of abstracts tend to be fixated on extremes; extreme idealism about how to fix the 'problem' and extreme cynicism about the source of the 'problem'."
First off, even though this blog is deceptively titled "tom campbell," it does not, in fact, sum up the entirety of my being. His analysis of "me" is absolutely correct if it is applied only to the words that I put here. This blog is obviously completely in the realm of abstractions, and yes, I do allow myself to be both extremely idealistic and cynical when writing in this blog. I almost take it as more of a compliment that he recognizes my ability to be very idealistic and very cynical at the same time. I take pride in being so seemingly contradictory. Both of those words have a lot of baggage, so it's hard to tell what precise definitions are being implied by their use in any particular case, except, to some extent, by context. Idealism could refer to the philosophy of Plato's Forms (something I despise) or simply being optimistic and striving for a goal. Cynicism can refer, again, to a philosophy - this one being that the only good is to be found in virtue resulting in the incessant pointing out of instances in which everyone else is not as virtuous as they should be (something, again, that I despise. I really hope people don't think that that is what I try to do with this blog), or simply as a negative view of the current state of affairs. I would assume that my uncle is using the second (generalized) definition in the case of both words. If I am correct to assume that, is there something bad about having a goal to strive for? (I'm still working out how that is different from the myth of progress. I know it is, but it's still muddled for me.) And is criticizing and trying to make others aware of what one sees as bad not a worthy practice? (of course it is, or else my uncle wouldn't do it himself with his comments either.)
My uncle puts in quotes the word problem, so as to suggest that there isn't actually any problem with the way things are currently going. That is the premise under which he operates - there is no problem. He's right, of course. Our system in America is perfect. It is utopian. But Utopia only works if the people living in it are also perfect. And that will never be the case. People are not perfect. They are not necessarily even good. Or bad. People just are. So when imperfect people are expected to perform perfectly in a perfect system and fail, there's a problem. Sorry, there just is.
That is the premise I start with - there is something very very wrong with our culture today. My uncle commented at one point that he profoundly disagrees with my conclusions and the logic by which I reach those conclusions. I would like my uncle to point out the logical fallacies in my arguments, because I don't think it's my conclusions he disagrees with but the premises I start out with, and premises can't be argued over - one either accepts them or she doesn't. Hence the "agreeing to disagree," as my personal philosophy certainly allows for, what with there being no one right way and all.
I would also contest the idea that I am idealistic, actually. I'm not saying that I'm not striving for some pretty lofty goals, because I definitely am. It is certainly extremely idealistic from my uncle's perspective, but from my perspective, it is actually extremely realistic and practical for me to pursue these goals to "fix the 'problem.'" This civilization will collapse. It is bound to happen eventually. But I think there is sufficient evidence to show that this collapse I refer to will happen sooner rather than later. With this in mind, becoming as independent from the system and as self-sufficient as possible is a supremely practical and pressing goal in the pursuit of a happy and successful future. I will admit to being blatantly and unapologetically selfish right now. But my take on being selfish involves opening myself up to community in which I am completely non-individualistic but rather find security in interdependence with other people. Humans are social beings and would not have been evolutionarily fit if they did not cooperate and collaborate with each other. But genes only care about proliferating themselves, not cooperating lovingly and peacefully with other genes in the hippie camp. The cooperation serves an underlying self-interested purpose of increasing chances of survival. So if it feels like I am separating myself and going off to build a life in which I am concerned with my survival alone, that is partially true, from my genes' perspective. It's only partially true because 1) as I've described, it is in the best interest of my genes to help others in my tribe to survive as well, and 2) my genes, as much as I'm sure they would like to, don't run the show. Their phenotype (or "me") does that. And that phenotype does have motives outside of proliferating genes (e.g. not wanting to contribute to the continued overpopulation of the planet by one, very dangerous species). I would like to aid other people in making their own jumps off of this sinking ship. But to promptly switch metaphors on you, it is as in the case of an emergency on an airplane when the oxygen mask drops - you put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. I need to take care of myself before I am able to think to take care of other people.
So am I extreme in my "idealism" and cynicism? Only to the extent that I am also able to say that my uncle is in extreme denial about what he passes off as a fabricated problem. (Again, it comes down to premises).
As I said, though, this blog does not = me. This blog happens to be where all of this heavy shit ends up. I am able to put my thoughts here (my abstractions) and can be free of them to some extent the rest of the time. While I may appear to be overwhelmingly cynical about our culture here, that does not preclude me from being a relatively happy guy elsewhere. As far as I can self-diagnose, I am not suffering from depression, although that particular bit may be skewed by the fact that I am doped up on entertainment and other distractions most of the time still. My distractions may be of higher quality (surfing the internet instead of surfing the channels on a television, listening to ani difranco and radiohead instead of pop music on the radio), but they are distractions nonetheless, screening me from facing to a full extent the reality of living in this culture of isolation and control. This blog will either completely cease to exist or radically shift in content once I successfully plant myself firmly in the reality of the present moment because at that point, all of these abstractions will become unimportant as I start to experience what they are meant to represent.
The biggest and most important abstraction to me is community. For me, the search for community is synonymous with the search for love and acceptance. As far as I can tell, this is a universal human desire, and 19 years in this culture is plenty to understand that I am not going to fulfill that desire entirely from within such a culture. I do not want to lead a life of quiet desparation. First I am going to be loud about my despair. Then I'm going to find hope.
Edit [4/8/06 2:13pm]: Jason Godesky happened to be writing about the ethics of collapse at roughly the same time I was (since this post actually only began at 6:35pm and was publised around 4am). It answers similar, if broader, critiques about essentially the same kind of things I'm talking about here, and does so eloquently as always.
Tuesday, March 28
Hey, environmentalist liberals! Here's a hint:
IT'S TOO LATE!
Returning to that book report I wrote, my teacher only wrote a few comments on the paper, but one is important enough that I wanted to point it out. With the point at which I say that "my grand scheme to 'save the world' is simply to walk away from participation in those institutions that diminish diversity and learn about or create a new way of living that increases diversity," he responds "- How about joining the people trying to save it?"
(I thought that is what I was saying.)
But I understand that he is coming from a different angle. It is basically the angle of the liberal environmentalist. And the best way I know to respond to this angle is to simply point to an essay that could answer that question much better than I could right now- Ran Prieur's Thinking Through the Fall. I haven't referred to Ran's writing directly since I first mentioned him with regards to his essay defining violence.
expand to read the full post
That instance is actually a fun personal example of the butterfly effect. One night, back in late october, I was doing a random google search for "pacifism," and Ran's essay happened to catch my eye (if you do that search, you'll find it almost to the end of the page, if you have it set to return 100 results). I clicked on the link, read the essay, and thought it was really good. It was touching on just the kind of transient nature of the meaning of the word "violence" that I was trying to feel out as I began to question my pacifism. I shared the link to the essay with a few friends, and that's where it stayed for a few weeks. I wrote about the essay in my blog eventually. And then finally it dawned on me to perhaps explore other essays written by this author. And I did. I read many of his essays and then switched over and started to follow his blog on a daily basis, but only superficially, never following any of the links in his posts. At some point around Christmas, Sara and I were looking at the site together, and she was exploring every link possible, and the opportunity again dawned on me that I am not exploiting this resource nearly far enough. So then, as I began to go back and explore places Ran linked to, I quickly made my way to Anthropik, as Jason was still in the midst of finishing up his Thirty Theses and so was being linked by Ran every few days as a new thesis was published. I continued to thoroughly explore Anthropik then, adding it to my list of daily reads. One day in January, by chance, I came across a link to Hobopoet in the forum at Anthropik, and headed on over there. Here things start to speed up a bit. By this time, I am starting to add these daily reads to the sidebar here, and when I added Hobopoet, somehow, the very next day (if I remember correctly), Hobopoet had linked back to me! (my first big hit of blogger-to-blogger approval, btw). While all this general blogging merriment is going on, I have basically been pacified and beaten down into accepting the idea that I could go on for three and a half more years and get a degree in something or other. Still, I'm exploring, virtually, and I come across the link to Dancing Rabbit on Ishcon, again randomly, and link to it. And I know this is a little cheesy, but it all comes together, all these little happenstance events, with Devin. Remember that he found my blog through Hobopoet, which he found through Anthropik (probably the same way I did). He begins to open up a dialogue with me mid february, and by the end of march, I have again come alive and am chomping at the bit to be rid of the chains of school and start living. To change direction so as to not end up where I was headed. To actually have what I believe acted out in the way I organize and use my life every day. SO, the point was - a random google search led directly to my dropping out. So be careful what you google search!
Wow, so I got way off topic, but that's okay. It was fun. Anyway, I can't recommend Ran's essays enough, along with the rest of his site.
The corollary that follows my people pleasing addiction is that I am very apt to become dependent on people I perceive as role models or heros in my life. To quote a CrimethInc. Worker Bulletin, the most important question for the revolutionary is how to escape disciples and enable equals. I would like to start enabling myself. It's fine for me to learn from other people, but then I need to take what I learn and go out and live my own life, not live vicariously through the people I'm supposedly just learning from.
Sorry I went a little linkcrazy with this post. Don't know what came over me...
(I thought that is what I was saying.)
But I understand that he is coming from a different angle. It is basically the angle of the liberal environmentalist. And the best way I know to respond to this angle is to simply point to an essay that could answer that question much better than I could right now- Ran Prieur's Thinking Through the Fall. I haven't referred to Ran's writing directly since I first mentioned him with regards to his essay defining violence.
expand to read the full post
That instance is actually a fun personal example of the butterfly effect. One night, back in late october, I was doing a random google search for "pacifism," and Ran's essay happened to catch my eye (if you do that search, you'll find it almost to the end of the page, if you have it set to return 100 results). I clicked on the link, read the essay, and thought it was really good. It was touching on just the kind of transient nature of the meaning of the word "violence" that I was trying to feel out as I began to question my pacifism. I shared the link to the essay with a few friends, and that's where it stayed for a few weeks. I wrote about the essay in my blog eventually. And then finally it dawned on me to perhaps explore other essays written by this author. And I did. I read many of his essays and then switched over and started to follow his blog on a daily basis, but only superficially, never following any of the links in his posts. At some point around Christmas, Sara and I were looking at the site together, and she was exploring every link possible, and the opportunity again dawned on me that I am not exploiting this resource nearly far enough. So then, as I began to go back and explore places Ran linked to, I quickly made my way to Anthropik, as Jason was still in the midst of finishing up his Thirty Theses and so was being linked by Ran every few days as a new thesis was published. I continued to thoroughly explore Anthropik then, adding it to my list of daily reads. One day in January, by chance, I came across a link to Hobopoet in the forum at Anthropik, and headed on over there. Here things start to speed up a bit. By this time, I am starting to add these daily reads to the sidebar here, and when I added Hobopoet, somehow, the very next day (if I remember correctly), Hobopoet had linked back to me! (my first big hit of blogger-to-blogger approval, btw). While all this general blogging merriment is going on, I have basically been pacified and beaten down into accepting the idea that I could go on for three and a half more years and get a degree in something or other. Still, I'm exploring, virtually, and I come across the link to Dancing Rabbit on Ishcon, again randomly, and link to it. And I know this is a little cheesy, but it all comes together, all these little happenstance events, with Devin. Remember that he found my blog through Hobopoet, which he found through Anthropik (probably the same way I did). He begins to open up a dialogue with me mid february, and by the end of march, I have again come alive and am chomping at the bit to be rid of the chains of school and start living. To change direction so as to not end up where I was headed. To actually have what I believe acted out in the way I organize and use my life every day. SO, the point was - a random google search led directly to my dropping out. So be careful what you google search!
Wow, so I got way off topic, but that's okay. It was fun. Anyway, I can't recommend Ran's essays enough, along with the rest of his site.
The corollary that follows my people pleasing addiction is that I am very apt to become dependent on people I perceive as role models or heros in my life. To quote a CrimethInc. Worker Bulletin, the most important question for the revolutionary is how to escape disciples and enable equals. I would like to start enabling myself. It's fine for me to learn from other people, but then I need to take what I learn and go out and live my own life, not live vicariously through the people I'm supposedly just learning from.
Sorry I went a little linkcrazy with this post. Don't know what came over me...
Monday, March 27
New template
As I am sure you have noticed, I just changed the template for this blog. It is based off of the minima template, with major modifications made by yours truly. It's a lot of fun to play with existing html (but I remember from computer fundamentals class that writing html from scratch is a pain in the ass). The last time I changed my template was about a month or so after I first began this blog (I believe it was a simple black text on very plain white background with an orange banner on top). I was tiring of the black on white and general lack of individuality in my former cookie-cutter, ready-made template. I'm also using some hacks found at Blogger Templates to tweak little things here and there. I am open to hearing what your opinion is of the new template and will take any constructive criticism under advisement (basically, is everything still readable with the color scheme I've got going right now?). Thanks, and enjoy!
Sunday, March 26
Attention potential future commenters:
I have just changed the setting so that only registered users can comment. It is relatively easy to register with blogger, and it does not require you to have a blog. Thanks for your cooperation. Otherwise, sorry if I lose you as a commenter over this. I was just having some problems with anonymous commenter-vandals recently, and I'm hoping this stems the tide.
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When I try to remember my childhood, I am saddened by the fact that I do not remember playing all that much. I remember competitive playing, such as basketball teams and at recess. (I've been remembering how much I loved four-square and dodgeball (that's dodgeball with one ball and people either "in" or "out" of the circle - with the ones doing thd dodging "in") - so much that I'd love the chance to play them again.) It's not that I don't remember free time during my childhood. It's more that I'm noticing an absence of creative play. I remember consuming a lot of entertainment, but I don't remember "producing" my own entertainment very much. It seems that such a thing would have just taken too much energy. But where did that energy go, if not into creative play? I think I started the cycle very young, the same cycle I follow now, and would follow forever if I weren't to make drastic changes in the way I live my life on a daily basis. This cycle, I'm pretty sure, began with school by introducing the drudgery of work, reciprocated by the seeking of numbing and mindless entertainment in order to recover and escape from life until the next bout of drudgery had to be endured. I somehow managed to waste whole summers by some macro form of this otherwise daily cycle of little death following little death.
I found a neat essay about the importance of doing what you love. We learn in school that work must be a drudgery, that it cannot possibly be fun. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This was the highlight of the article for me: I would only object to the negative connotation being applied, as always in this culture, to laziness (via the protestant work ethic). As Bertrand Russell said so wisely, "the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." Nevertheless, the article gives some good tips in succeeding in one's search for the work one loves. I'd like to get into a bit of a debate over semantics, since the word "work" is so far gone in this culture with its implicit and pervasive association with drudgery, that the word "play" should always be used when speaking of things one loves to do. Although, I guess there is just as much in the way of implications to fight against when going the other way, as play is viewed conversely as void of productive value or practical application in addressing the fulfillment of life's daily needs (food, water, shelter). Regardless, I intend to play throughout the whole of my life, and make a living doing it.