Brother Ass

I think I've been in a reactionary stage with regards to rejecting any consideration for the vanity of one's appearance. Referring to St. Francis of Assisi (who was something of a primitivist, himself, by the way), I could dub it Brother Ass Syndrome. Realizing this, I think moderation is more appropriate. Not that I still don't think any attempts at vanity are necessary, but if my appearance draws attention just as much as those who seek that attention with their appearance, then I am making a mistake. I fully support taking the best care of one's body, as it is part of God's very good creation; it's just the frivolous things that annoy me. But I will try reach a balance between the truth (appearance not mattering) and its consequences (unwanted attention because of appearance).

That said, I'll just share Dove's research in its campaign for real beauty, showing how much society has warped the perception of what beauty is for women. Bravo to Dove for encouraging body acceptance, even if it is still just a marketing tool.

Constantly learning

I am constantly learning. I feel that I have experienced so much, have been exposed to so many new ideas in a very short amount of time. It is confusing, scary, exciting, and even peaceful all at the same time. This blog is a great way to see how much I have changed, just over the course of (not even) a year. As I take new things in, I have to evaluate them in my search for truth. When something makes sense and seems to fit with what I have experienced and what I believe, I am willing to adapt and change my own perception of the world through the new thing I have experienced. The things that I have talked about in my last few posts still seem very radical and extreme to me, but they also do make sense to me. I realize that in taking an extreme position on a subject, I have the responsibility of pushing someone else to the opposite extreme. I hope that I do not do that. Many things that I talk about in my blog, sadly, are only in the theory stage; that is, I have yet to put these things into practice. It is an aspect of my introvertedness. I do not wish to use this as an excuse, but I am most inclined to reflect on things before I do them. I just need to make sure that I actually do them. I suppose that is my Christmas resolution (no new year's resolutions for me). I will try to approach these things like I would my school work, with some degree of diligence and a feeling of responsibility. I don't want to be preoccupied with ideologies but rather living out convictions in the present moment. But I am still constantly learning and reevaluating those new things I have experienced and incorporated into my "philosophy." I just read a website today about a vegan who realized the importance and naturalness of eating wild meat, choosing to basically adopt the diet of a gatherer-hunter in place of vegan (although that diet is still 85% vegan). Observing this new perspective, I do see that it seems to make sense (to a greater degree than a vegetarian or vegan diet, and of course, more sense than the normal american diet of high fat, low fiber "food"). Of course it is not practical for me to assume a gatherer-hunter's diet at this time in my current urban environment, but I do look forward to moving in that direction (away from all processed foods), however slowly. And to move in the right direction with every other thing I've talked about, which will eventually mean that I give up the computer I am using to type this, and then even the end of this blog. Until then, I'll be using it to keep reevaluating.

Body shame and naturism

I mentioned earlier that the purpose of clothes is twofold: warmth and modesty. I would now like to modify that statement to be warmth, modesty, and hygiene, as I now understand it. And I still question modesty. Why, you might be asking? Because I believe it is possible to be modest without wearing clothes. Now you may be very confused because being naked means that you are flaunting your sexuality. And being modest is to not flaunt your sexuality but rather protect it as sacred. My point is that being naked does not have to be an occasion to flaunt one's sexuality. I will point your attention to showering at the gym, frinstance. One might say that you should only be nude when you are by yourself or with your spouse because of the aforementioned problem of immodesty being linked to nakedness. But this is only a result of one's indoctrination into society as a child, which teaches the child (hopefully) unintentionally that one's body is a source of shame and needs to be hidden from others, when in reality, most children would be just as happy, if not happier, to go about without any clothes on. One might also say that this is because of the child's innocence and that once the child becomes conscious of his or her sexual nature, being naked is no longer practical or appropriate. Again, I would say that the only reason that that shame develops, making any scarce sight of nudity an overwhelming and sexually exciting experience, is because society dictates it to be so. If an adolescent had no reason to be curious about the naked human body (because he is surrounded by non-sexual nudity), then he would have no reason to turn to pornography (which takes curiosity and perverts it into sinful lust) and be able to develop a healthy sexuality and respect for women. Also, having something be forbidden makes it that much more enticing (ie sexually exciting).

Body shame came as a result of original sin. When "Adam and Eve" sinned, the first thing they did afterwards was hide their nakedness in their shame. It was not part of what God intended. As Christians, we actively try to return to a sinless state. Why do we simply accept the shame that came with the sin as we try to reject that sin? God created our bodies in his image and likeness and called them very good. So what right do we have to be ashamed of them (except for the influence that society has on us)? Society tells us that we must have a perfect body, when, in reality, no one does. Yet models are airbrushed to "perfection," making everyone feel self-conscious and insecure. Clothing itself is used to flaunt one's sexuality (such as bikinis). Clothing that goes right up to the line of "too far" is actually more sexually stimulating, drawing more undue attention to the body than simple nudity would. Of course, in our society of body shame, non-sexual nudity will always be perceived as sexual, making it irresponsible and immoral to be naked around people who would derive sinful lust from the experience.

So I would like to be able to accept my body, accept the wonderfully imperfect bodies of others, and in so doing, return to a more natural state (I suppose this is a part of my primitivism). And a more natural state would lead me closer to God.

What this means for me practically is that I have a better understanding of my own past struggles with pornography and that I do not want to feel any shame about my body. The only way to get over that shame is through actually being naked. I am not interested in nudist clubs because those seem to put too much emphasis on the issue, allowing it to dominate their lives, creating another unnecessary division, now between nudists and textiles (those who wear clothing), that I do not want. Naturism, which I suppose is a subcategory of nudism, seeks to gain more unity with nature through being naked. This is what attracts me most. The idea of a swimming suit (now outside of the realm of its need for modesty's sake) seems absolutely absurd to me. There is also the issue of top-free equality among men and women. Breasts are required to be covered up by society for a rather indirect connection to sex, the feeding of the result of the sex (the baby). So even under the context of needing to cover up sexual organs, the need to cover up breasts is doubtful. So this is another aspect of gender inequality, men being legally allowed to be top-free where women are not. It is absurd that the legality of breastfeeding in public is disputed, treating it as if even that is a sexual act.

Do not get me wrong; clothes are still needed for warmth and hygiene of course (and modesty when in the company of textiles). And I do not intend to go strolling around town in the buff, but when it is practical and appropriate, I would like to lose the shame with the clothes.

There were two sites that were immensely helpful in understanding the philosophy behind nudism and the ethics of it that I'd like to share, for your own healthy curiosity. (Don't worry, they're safe for work (ie no pictures of nudists)).
They are:
Rejectshame.com and Clothing and Nakedness in the Bible.

College and radical changes to my personal philosophy

I was thinking about college. And all of the things I would like to study. Philosophy, theology, linguistics, fine arts (in that order of importance, right now). Philosophy: because, while I do not intend to enter the seminary, seminarians study philosophy first as a foundation before they study theology, and that makes sense. While I do not feel called to be a priest, I am feeling now that my vocation may parallel that of a priest in many ways: being of service to others (hopefully being able to counsel as well (wisdomous)), celibacy (again, this is what I'm feeling called to right now); so it might be good to follow the same general pattern of a seminarian's education. Linguistics: language is rather fascinating to me, being able to relate with other people. And I'd like to be able to do that with a larger percentage of the world. I took spanish all through grade school, latin all through high school, greek my senior year. I think I've got the romantics covered. So I'm thinking German might be fun. I don't know how easy it'll be to start a whole new language in college (this late in my developmental years), but greek has been good so far. And fine arts is fine arts: another medium to express my self and seek beauty/truth.

Then I'll have the Micah house program on top of all that, hopefully earning a certificate in urban social analysis. Not that I like cities at all. They're the centers of "civilization" (ie absence of the natural world, aka wilderness), but that is where all the people are.

Until I just outlined all that I still need/want to study, I was wondering about the value of a college education. If I were to continue on and become a Catholic Worker, would a college degree really do anything for me? I'm certainly not interested in a degree in order to make more money, so I hope that what I study will have some practical application. I realize philosophy is the antithesis of a practical degree. But that's practical in the sense of "can this degree get me a job?" I'm not interested in a degree getting me a job; I'm interested in studying something that will influence and shape my mind so that I may think better, know more, and combine the two to become wise. (I realize that there is more to wisdom than that, however) I was just beginning to wonder if college was the most efficient way to do that studying. Because it is rather expensive (and by rather I mean outrageously). And I do not enjoy spending money at all. Because money is no longer used by society simply as a means of exchange but as a tool of oppression. I talked a while ago about money doing some good, but the evil that it creates outweighs the good so greatly that I cannot justify continuing to participate in the system. And money is just one of the tools used for oppression.

What I'm getting at, if you haven't yet caught my drift, is that I do not like government. This is a very new and somewhat scary realization for me, but I believe I may just be an anarchist, in the most original sense of the word: no rule. So this is not to say that I want to riot against corporations to financially wound them in the hopes of bringing them down (and the government with them), because as a pacifist, I do see that as rather futile resistance. It would be much more productive to change people's hearts than lash out at physical manifestations of the corporate beast, like the WTO. To me, this parallels the government lashing out at "terrorism" with military violence instead of treating the cause of the terrorists' hatred. I do not yet know how to go about changing people's hearts, but I do know violence is not the answer. The basic concept of rule is bad because it is very violent at its core. This violence is (somewhat) cloaked now but could be more openly seen in the expansionism, c. mid 2nd millennium. Groups of people, divided by man-made constructs such as race, consolidated and vied for power by violent conquest (like what our government is doing in the Middle East, presently).

I have a Marxist flare in me because I do see much of the struggle that has happened throughout history being influenced significantly by money (yet I certainly see that it is not the sole cause, as Marx, as I understand, put forward). This is the evil that money creates: class warfare. I do not want to allow things created by man to separate me from another human. Class (the amount of money I have), race (while important to one's identity as it relates to one's cultural heritage, it is completely abused and overrated in order to create a false superiority), even (or especially is more like it) religion divides people unnecessarily. These, and more that I'm forgetting to name, are all constructs that create civilization. I'm beginning to see the development of civilization as simply the outcome of groups of people consolidating power over others. Through violence. So I believe I am something of a primitivist, as well. By this I mean a return to living as one did before the Industrial Revolution and Agricultural Revolution and also a return to the simplicity and purity of Christianity present immediately after being founded (ie the first few centuries (until Constantine converted)). Actually, I realize that the Church was not simple or pure at all in that time, with everyone having their own opinions and beliefs about Jesus the Christ, but I would take that over a religion funded by the same government that executed Jesus.

Looking at the reality of the world as I now understand it can be depressing and look rather hopeless (such as found in the Matrix movie). But only on the physical plane. On the spiritual plane, hope is alive and well. I wrote a sonnet for my final project in my Shakespeare class this semester. Keep in mind that a sonnet is a highly regulated (meaning that I had to follow rules) way to write, and therefore, pretty hard. And since it was my first time... it's a little rough (I hope I still get a good grade though). So I'll share it with you.

When one’s nation wars without a just cause,
Seeming to be led by a dictator;
When many deny God’s love without pause,
And Creation turns from its Creator;
When selfishness and pride are accepted,
And individualism runs wild;
When values of hon’sty and trust are shed,
Then every relationship may be riled.
With all of the troubles, no peace is found;
Any love or justice is hidden, yet
God’s compassion and mercy still surround,
And faith in action will make evil fret.
So by God’s grace, still I will love the world
With hope of one renewed to be unfurled.

Building community

My friend, Sara, found a booklet at Hartford Coffee Co. of local businesses. I had mentioned a goal of shopping only at small businesses a while ago, so this booklet is immensely helpful. I invite you to check it out for yourself.

I would also encourage you to listen to/support our community radio station, 88.1 KDHX. I enjoy it. If it weren't for that, the oldies, and occasionally npr, I would never listen to the radio. It has broadened my musical horizons.

I've finally started looking into bus and Metrolink routes. It'll be more complex than I expected but still definitely worth it. Not only will I not be driving a car, but I will be sitting with my fellow St. Louisans, at least presenting the opportunity for me to talk to them. Cars are very isolating devices. No one waves or says hi or even looks at each other when they're driving. Of course I occasionally do all of these things, but it would be nice to have someone return the favor, as can be done on a bus or train.

Guest speakers

My theology class has had several guest speakers discussing their own vocational journeys. We've had a man working at my school but also volunteering closely with Karen House, a woman working in the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, a St. Joe's sister, and a seminarian. The Karen House guy is really cool. He goes with us/is the director of the group that goes to Karen House on mondays. So it was rad to hear his story. The JVC woman was pretty good. She succeeded to get me thoroughly interested in the JVC. The core values of the program are simple living, spirituality, community, and social justice. I'll be looking into it more, but a friend in my class questioned the impact of the service being provided and if the volunteers are actually more of a drain on the programs they are serving in than a help. I would definitely want to work at a site where I would be very useful. With the sister's story, I began to understand religious life and ministry more as a ministering community like JVC, except it lasts one's whole life instead of a year. The seminarian took us through the whole process of becoming a priest, so that was informative.

Then when he asked for questions, the issues of women priests and married priests came up eventually. To sum up his responses, women will never be priests because that is not part of the role of womanhood and married priests are actually a possibility (slight). There are already married priests (converted protestant ministers) and some of the apostles were married. I personally would never want to have a family and a parish. So it seemed backwards to me that he was absolute on the women priest question and lenient on the married priest question. I don't like it when people or institutions feel like they have a monopoly on the truth. I know I'm struggling as a human to find the truth, and I believe that in our Human Condition, that is all we can do. One of the things that I struggle with is the existence of gender roles in society. I do believe that the majority of gender roles present (esp. those propagated by the Church) are constructs of humans and not divinely intended. If the role of the father of a parish is supposed to be similar or parallel to the father of a family, where is the mother of the parish? Husbands and wives make decisions together (today, in this (somewhat) less sexist society), but in the Church, we have only the hierarchy of fathers making decisions for the Church. When the seminarian tried to defend gender roles, his statement was "all things being equal, they still aren't equal." I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I realize men and women are different, but differences should never result in inequality (in my humble opinion).

Labels

There are labels that everyone uses to help identify themselves. I am a Campbell, a German/Scotch/Irish, an American, a Christian, a Catholic, a SLUH senior, a (former) Cross Country runner, a P+P youth group member, an NHS member, a future Catholic Worker, and a hundred other things that don't really touch on the essence of me. They are all part of my experiencal being, speaking on the temporal plane and of the 18 years that I've been on this earth, but labels fail to speak on the spiritual plane and of my eternal soul. The most basic and most valued label that I hold is that of Christian, but even that leads to division and separation from fellow humans. The spectrum of religions and spiritualities in this world is a beautiful thing and very necessary to meet the demands of the spectrum of ways people need to connect on that spirtual plane, but any such religion or spirituality must be balanced with the ability to step back from the bindings of each individual's religion in order to reach out to form a community with all of humanity. Any sense of "us and them" has to stop if there will ever be peace. So, do I believe that there was a man named Jesus who radically taught and transformed this world and then died to save us (ie am I a Christian)? yes. Do I believe in and participate in the rituals and sacraments of the Catholic Church in order to better know God? yes. Do I also understand that the religion of anyone else who honestly is seeking truth is equally valid and correct as the religion that I practice? yes.

I have been taught in my Catholic theology class that the Church accepts other religions as valid means to come to know God and truth partially, but the Catholic Church is fully and perfectly able to come to know God and truth. I take issue with that because it is pride that causes division. It won't matter what religion a person practiced once he or she is in heaven, so why should it matter on earth? It shouldn't. Hence, labels have limited purpose and should not be heavily stressed. Another storm I am traversing is that of evaluating how I label myself and what labels I really want to have and refocusing the energy spent on maintaining some of those labels.

At this point, the priesthood looks like just another unnecessary label that separates me from others even more than the lay label of Catholic. (not to mention the other issues I have with the Church... yet) That's not the kind of label I want to have. Labels are just constructs of society that serve to objectify and box in the so labeled human. I suppose I do still understand the priesthood to be a wonderful thing, but to be a priest would focus my attention too much on the trivial (relative to the bigger picture) structure of the Church when I feel called away from such structures in order to serve others on a pure peer level. That is a deep and good desire of mine, to be free of all labels in order to be fully open to serve anyone without consideration of differences in labels. So words like hippie or democratic socialist I don't like to use because they carry with them divisive connotational baggage, even if they are partial descriptors mixed in with the overall philosophy of Tom. Tom being my biggest label (need less me, more God). Okay, I'm finished; amen.

Do I care?

I find myself saying, "do I care?" in response to varied aspects of life that I observe these days, to the point of wondering what it is that I do care about (for a moment at least, before I realize what is at the root of this "not caring"). I don't care how my hair looks or what clothes I wear, or more specifically I suppose, I do not care for styled hair and fancy clothes. I don't have an appreciation for formal pictures (this point comes to focus as I have to get senior pics. why preserve a completely fake and posed image of myself when candid photos (that actually carry real memories with them) can be enjoyed so much more?). I don't care for jewelry, or any thing that does not serve some use for the survival or betterment of the person. I despise brand name clothing. Putting sweatshop and cost reasons aside, brand name clothing has no personal character. It is what someone else decided was cool (for the season) and everyone else copies that. I only buy/wear tshirts that say/promote/depict something that I actually care about or have an interest in. So I do care what I wear; it is just dress clothing that's ridiculous. I don't understand why we dress up to go to church. Do we think God cares what we wear while worshiping? Hardly. Why do we find it necessary to make ourselves uncomfortable (esp. high heels for women)? Ties are just plain silly (completely functionless). Clothes serve two functions: warmth and modesty. I almost question modesty as an absolute. It is very important for the sexually perverse culture in which we live, but if a society did not put so much attention on parts of the body as private, would modesty really be necessary? (Again, it definitely is for this society.) But that is a tangent (not that this whole paragraph isn't just a stringing together of random streams of consciousness). What I came to realize is that anything that I "don't care" about relates back to my call to poverty, and that it is really an expression of caring about that call. I'm literally disgusted by my room right now, being surrounded by all of my extraneous possessions. I have way, way, way too many polo shirts. I can't believe all of the junk that I've bought in the past. I'm feeling like doing some winter cleaning (wait, it's still fall...). I don't like feeling disgusted; it's not a pleasant feeling. I'll be much happier once I clear out the clutter.

I do care, deeply, about what is actually important and valuable and true in this world. I'm still in the process of filtering out everything that is unimportant and valueless and false, and that is a difficult thing to do. It is a storm to pass through that may look gloomy now, but I'll be smiling when the sun comes out.

Soul mates

My aunt just got engaged! It is quite exciting. From the perspective of me, it'll be rad to have an uncle, finally. They've only known each other for 10 months. I guess when you know, you know (now that's a brilliant statement). They do have very similar views and values.

My question (for myself) is how do you know? Is it based on how similar the people are, or their values? What other objective things are there? Or is it primarily based on subjective areas such as feelings? I suppose being as mature as they are helps a lot. I still have to learn a lot more about my self before I could presume to know what kind of soul mate I would have. Hmm, in Good Will Hunting, the psychiatrist askes Will if he has a soul mate, describing a soul mate as someone who challenges you (to growth?).

I don't know. In the midst of the excitement, I just started to think about these questions. I'll try to sort through it for myself, but insights are welcome as always.

SLUHstrong

I had hoped that the livestrong craze had finally died down. I have nothing against donations to charity; I would just prefer that the donations are motivated by a genuine interest in the charity instead of participating in a fad. I understand that it started among actual Lance Armstrong fans, in support of him and his charity, but it quickly became the cool thing to do. And now I doubt whether the majority of those that wear those little yellow bands really care about Lance Armstrong or his charity at all. I know, it's still great for the charity, but fads are really annoying nonetheless.

Of course, my school (esp. being comprised of a good portion of very wealthy people) was very susceptible to the fad. There have been yellow, pink, orange, and red "rubberbands" swinging on the wrists of my classmates through the halls throughout the semester, "supporting" various causes. Now we have two new colors, blue and white (our school colors, for the ignoramus). The blue says "SLUHstrong", and the white, "LiveSLUH." This doesn't have any specific charity associated with it to my knowledge, just extra funds for STUCO (at $2/band (minus having them made which I believe was ~$1.85)). And lots of people were dishing out the $4 for the two pieces of plastic. I would guess that anyone who bought the Livestrong bands also bought the SLUHstrong bands. I have no idea how many more converts to the fad were made through this ploy.

One might accuse me of not having school spirit. If school spirit means submitting to peer pressure and becoming one in a crowd, then I don't want any part of that kind of school spirit. Of course the same kind of peer pressure was present when we were ordering our class rings last year (esp. when the few who chose not to purchase one became known). Class rings and letterjackets are both part of the SLUH tradition, not a fad. So I do have a class ring and a letterjacket (both purchases were made before my current beliefs/opinions on animal rights and poverty were formed, respectively, though. also the importance I put in tradition has probably lessened some since then, as well.). I am not objecting to the expression of school spirit or identification with the school through symbols, just doing so with this passing fad.


I've noticed that in my recent posts I've been unusually critical and opinionated. I apoligize to anyone reading this who goes away more disgruntled than usual. It may just be the mood I'm in, or that the direction of this blog is changing. This blog's contents and purpose will change as I do. Hopefully this doesn't mean that I'm becoming more critical/bitter overall. I think I'm just using this blog more to vent now (and the rest of the time I'm relatively less opinionated, or at least less vocal about it). I know that this blog has been immensely helpful to me to think out things and express myself. While I may be writing more in the form of a journal or diary of personal thoughts, I'm thankful for input when it does come. Blogs, after all, are "essentially a contained, ritualistic dialogue between voyeurs and exhibitionists." That is one thing that makes me question why I blog. Is it in order to be understood? Or am I trying to understand myself better? I think as long as I keep the active understanding as my primary concern when writing, I can continue to keep writing with a clean conscience. So thanks for reading; I'll just keep talking.

Fruit, watches, cooking

One of the primary reasons that I am am vegetarian is because of the pain inflicted upon factory farmed animals. Hence, my general rule is, "I don't eat anything that had nerves." Then watching FernGulley, the last rainforest (which I do realize is a children's movie) , one of the fairies talks about the tree's pain when being killed by saws and pollution and other destructive means. So that got me thinking, do trees really feel pain? They don't have a nervous system of any kind to my knowledge. But they are alive. This made me think back to several weeks ago when I researched fruitarianism, in which the people eat only raw fruit and nuts. It isn't a practical diet at all (almost everyone who attempts it pretty much has to stop for health reasons after 2 years or so), but the philosophy behind it is reasonable (for me at least). Well, at least part of it. They don't eat any cooked food because it apparently poisons the food. There is going to be some poisons in any food you eat in any form or preparation, so I don't see their point there. But back to what I understand about this diet. Fruitarians don't even eat vegetables because (well, most vegetables are cooked, but besides that...) eating the vegetable kills the whole plant, requiring you to replant it perennially whereas fruits grow on trees or bushes or vines. The whole plant isn't destroyed by you eating part of it. Also replanting vegetables requires large fields of crops, which destroys natural environments, replacing them with a void of biodiversity (esp. considering "weed" killers and insecticides). As I said, not practical, just interesting.

Completely switching topics, more on my opinion on watches. I've noticed since I stoped wearing one that I feel both liberated and dependent. I'm liberated from feeling like I always need to be secure in the fact that I know exactly what time it is. But I also feel more dependent on grounded clocks for when I actually do need to know the time (because I still have to comply to the schedule of school). I like that dependency. It is reminiscent of towns in Europe where the only clock was on the tower of the cathedral. A practical need drew people towards church/God. So I'd like to find other ways of becoming dependent that draw me by voluntary necessity (if that made any logical sense) closer to God.

Karen House was great last night. I'm beginning to learn the names of people that live there. With four lessons in cooking under my belt (cloth belt of course), I'm getting less and less apprehensive about cooking on my own (beyond boiling water and cooking pasta, that is). Now all I need is more time during my evenings. hmmm.

cycling, friends, poverty, God

This was a good day. I rode my bike for over an hour (total). That might be the longest I've ridden a bike in one outing. I rode mainly through Tower Grove. My primary mission was to go to the bicycle shop next to Tower Grove (A & M, Arsenal and Morgan Ford) to buy bicycle lights and a reflective vest so that I will be able to ride safely at night. Actually, I'm rather ashamed that I bought something today, it being Buy Nothing Day, to counter all of the day-after-thanksgiving-christmas-shoppers. But it was a small business and not a mall, so I can live with myself. Apparently the teachers at my school who ride their bikes to school also go to this bicycle shop, because the guy saw the billiken on my jacket and named some of my teachers, so that was cool. Then I continued on my ride. I found a wildbird garden in the park, which is the most secluded part of the park I've found so far. There's a bench and a small fountain, and even some little birds (finches, I would venture), so it was nice to rest there for a bit. Before that, I had actually rode past the swings, but a teenage girl all dressed in black with her bangs dyed green was already swinging, which is actually who I would imagine to swing there (besides actual kids) for some reason. Not that there weren't other swings there, I just didn't have the courage to swing there too. But I came back after the bird garden and no one was there. I like to swing. I like playing in general, but swinging can be especially fun. Then some actual kids did come with their parents. I think the parents thought I was weird because they didn't really look at me at all, except maybe out of the corner of their eye. I tried to have a friendly face, but introvert that I am, I didn't attempt to converse with them at all. But I'm okay with them thinking that I'm weird. And I don't need to wear black clothes and dye my bangs green to prove it. Then I finally went home. I had planned to spend the rest of my day reading or possibly start on the weekend's homework, but Maria called. And spending time with friends trumps reading every time. The books will always be there (if I renew them at the library), but with the majority of my friends being away at college, I have to make the most of the time that I can actually be with them. So that was fun. We played frisbee a little, but it was slightly too windy/wet. But it was active and free, so I was happy. Then we watched Good Will Hunting, in which Will learns the importance of living life, experiencing everything instead of just knowing about it from books. Nice parallel to my choice of activities for the night.

Just a note on my anti-consumerism goals, an insight gained from St. Ignatius' First Principle and Foundation:

But if any of these gifts become the center of our lives, they displace God and so hinder our growth toward our goal. In everyday life, then, we must hold ourselves in balance before all of these created gifts insofar as we have a choice and are not bound by some obligation.We should not fix our desires on health or sickness,wealth or poverty, success or failure, a long life or short one. For everything has the potential of calling forth in us a deeper response to our life in God.

I can't make poverty my god, obviously. I need to always focus on and direct everything I do to God. Above all, prayer is the habit I need to develop. Without that, any of this bike riding or play or friendships becomes the main focus when my life could be so much richer if I could only learn to focus on God.

I'm thankful for you

Happy Thanksgiving! It's actually the day after Thanksgiving, but I still give thanks. This was my first non-turkey day, and it was good. I tried sweet potatoes and acorn squash for the first time, both very delicious. I've already been vegetarian for 9 whole months as of yesterday. I finally came to a full realization recently that come January when I go to Honduras, I will most probably need to eat meat, which is obviously rather distressing to me. Without all of the other foods that I normally eat not available, I will probably need to eat meat to survive. I imagine it might also be rude of me to force my host family to accomodate my "special needs." I've been trying to psychologically prepare myself (I'm trying to stop thinking of meat as completely disgusting so that I won't gag (as I used to do with vegetables (the mind is a powerful thing))).

Buy anyway, there are only two more weeks of this semester. Then Christmas break, Honduras, and second semester of my senior year. I'm hoping that the teachers realize that seniors do not want to do any work second semester and will cooperate in giving us less work. This first semester has been somewhat stressful, so I hope that gets better. But back to Christmas. I'm very proud of my family. We have decided to not put up a tree because it is too much work for too little enjoyment. So this'll take away some of the commercilization of this holy day. My extended family has also decided not to get everyone presents. We will all bring one small gift with which we will play a game to exchange, and we can also donate to charities in each others names. But other than for my brother, we will not be buying stuff and giving it to each other! Apparently they did this before my brother and I came along, and now that I've grown up (don't want presents anymore) we are returning to this blissful method of celebrating. Take that capitalism.

Speaking of capitalism, I want to express clearly things I alluded to in my last post. Basically, I do not like money. Actually, I also happen to not like time much either. I do not like human constructs that impose control/oppression on other humans, measuring the value of humans when they are of infinite value and subjugating humans to its system with their power. I'm talking about anyone who hates their job but does it anyway, only to make money. I am thankful that my parents did not force me to get a job when I turned 16 because it allowed me to grow up without having the pursuit of money dominate my life. I realize they have been supporting me this whole time with the money they are making. I'm now trying to limit the monetary expense of my living with them. In our civilization, we have to have jobs and make money because of said capitalism. For myself, I propose a communal lifestyle in which a community chooses to cooperate with each other to support the community. Democratic socialism on a neighborhood level. As for time, I do not wear a watch because time is not relevant to my well being. It is used to regulate how I spend my energy and is used by companies as just another commodity (in the form of amounts of human labor). While work by itself is good, work driven by the pursuit of money and the pressures of time is not.
I read a joke in Reader's Digest recently: What's the difference between the government and the mafia? One of them is organized. That said, I don't appreciate our government very much, being a major perpetrator of monetary oppression. I don't appreciate any of the governments throughout the world actually (although I do like parts of the way Europe governs itself), borders and nationalism and the wars that follow. I am a citizen of the world that happens to reside in the United States of America (much like I'm a Christian that happens to be Catholic). One might accuse me of arrogance by enjoying all of the benefits of living in this country with its foundation in freedom and then work against the system that I benefit from. But with the freedom that this country provides me, I want to try to make it better. America is so wasteful and so proud. As a country we think we are the best and are therefore deserving to push everyone and everything around according to our pleasure. As a "developed" country, we are using our natural resources so quickly without any thought to the consequences. Most of the consequences are felt in third world countries anyway. People are starving in India, yet we pay farmers here not to grow crops on their fields. When I said that I am eliminating unnecessary showers, it is for this reason. Drinking water is a precious resource as well, and some wells in America are already going dry (bad for small communities, not to mention the environment). So I don't shower every day. I try to shower for no more than five minutes and with cold water. I'm working on those last two points. Americans are the only ones that seem to require a daily (or twice a day) shower. Such is not the case even throughout much of Europe and especially throughout the "developing" world. Also when I mentioned dumpster diving, that would be in response to the waste of Americans (who also produce the most trash) throwing away usable items when others could still benefit from them. I have yet to dumpster dive, but it is not beyond me to do in the future.

I will admit at this point that these opinions I've formed are strongly influenced by a friend of mind from my school, Pat. He is rather radical in everything he does. He does not believe in a God and is by no means a pacifist, so there are definitely things that I do not agree with him on. But there are many more times when what he says makes sense. He is vegan (and was a partial influence on my becoming vegetarian). Actually, I could go through most of what I have talked about in this post, and it would have originated from observing how and why Pat lives his life. The conflict I have come to is one between relativism and natural law. Between subjectivity and objectivity. To be subjective is to judge every action without any preconceived standard of what is good and bad, rather by what is best for each individual person. To be objective is to ignore all personal considerations and context and judge every action based solely on law. I would like to balance these two rather antipodal positions. As an example of this, I'll take homosexuality. The Church says that homosexuals should never act on how they truely feel with regards to their sexuality because that is a sin. Someone who holds relativistic views says that homosexuals may do as they please because sex is whatever one wants to make of it. I do not hold either view, but what I would perceive to be the middle, as I discussed two posts ago. I'm struggling to find that balance in other ethical situations, though.

On a lighter note, I watched The Wizard of Oz to the music of Dark Side of the Moon the other day at school. It's the Dark Side of the Rainbow, if you will. This is a worthwhile experience because parts of the album (lyrics, beat, mood) synchronize with parts of the movie. It was very entertaining and interesting. I also found out that I like Pink Floyd and am requesting the CD from the library. I've also experienced They Might Be Giants thanks to the library, which I now enjoy. I also get books from the library (imagine that). Recently these have included Meeting Jesus again for the first time (which I've mentioned before) and Stephen Hawking's Universe, which describes how the universe works in layman's terms. Quite interesting. Just thinking about the idea of space, especially thinking about reaching the edge of the universe and what is beyond that, the nothingness of it. They talk about the Big Bang and how they can trace back the universe to a fraction of a second after that happened, but before that, the laws of physics stop applying (and they don't know what caused the Big Bang itself to happen), and theist that I am, I think, "there's God at work! Can't you guys see it?" I guess that's another happy medium I've reached between the atheist scientists and the Creationists. I also got a movie from the library, called FernGulley, the last rainforest. It's a children's movie about rainforest faries saving the rainforest from humans. Another environmentally aware friend at school said it was his favorite movie, so I was curious. I really like the library. That is one place I would be happy to work. I've only ridden my bike to the library twice, but this wednesday when I drove there (in the snow), the librarian asked if I rode my bike today. I was surprised that she recognized me and remembered me as a bike rider. I may be reading too much in to it, but it may be further evidence that more intelligent/educated people are also generally more liberal (or just that librarians are observant and friendly).

Speaking of, I recently saw a poster about how to be more observant and friendly (at Karen House, actually). I wanted to share it with you. If you click on it, you can see it larger, and 'twill hopefully be readable for you.



I also read an article for my theology class about masculine spirituality which I thought was interesting and would like to share with you. Enjoy!

Play, pray, and Catholic Workers

I recently went on a Pallotine retreat. Besides the much needed and much gained sleep, and the renewed love of basketball and oranges (both peculiarly of the color orange. hmm.), the major benefit gained was a renewed recognition of the importance of play (like basketball, and blogging!) and prayer. It helped me keep my school work in perspective. I came across a reading today that began to challenge that perspective.

Jesus looked up and saw rich people putting their gifts into the treasury; he also saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. He said, "Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them; for all of them have contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on." Luke 21: 1-4

After reading this, I began to think, hey, why am I still in school? Why am I just going through the motions when I should be out there giving my all for Jesus. Then I quickly realized my problem. Notice that part when I said "going through the motions"? Yeah, there's my problem. I need to give Jesus my all by giving my all in everything I do to the greater glory of God. Sure one day that may look a bit more radical or revolutionary, but Jesus will work through me right where I am. I may want to be a rad liberal hippie, but I don't need to be in order to be giving it all up for Jesus.

But it is still fun to think about all of the rad liberal hippie things I want to do eventually. Obviously, I will never go on "trips" (with drugs that is). That would pretty much cancel out any health benefit of being vegetarian (check for hippie-ness on that point). I've also considered and quickly ruled out growing out my hair. All fashionable reasons aside, it would just be a time-consuming nuisance to have to maintain. Anyone who views the state of my hair on a regular basis can tell I don't put much stock in fashionable reasons, or spending any time maintaining my hair. I want to buy clothing not made in sweatshops (once my shoes wear out, I want to buy no sweat red high tops). I would like to drastically limit my participation in economic consumption. That is, I don't want to buy what I don't need to buy. And even when I need something, I might consider dumpster diving first. A large part of my consuming goes unnoticed by me because it occurs in the use of utilities like electricity and water and gas that I (or my parents) don't pay for right away. So I would like to conserve such resources as much as possible by eliminating unneeded showering, riding my bike (which ironically increases my need for showering), and turning off the TV/computer/lights/air conditoner or at least replace incandescent bulbs with compact halogen ones. When I'm not watching the commercials on TV, I would rather be reading or sharing in community with friends. I would like to shower with unscented soap. I personally find it boring when everyone smells like one of 13 different "scents" (cough... chemicals). I would like to grow vegetables and fruits in my own garden, and keep a compost pile. I want to respect and protect the environment however I can. Most importantly, I want to work for the coming of God's kingdom on earth, protecting human rights and simply loving my neighbor. What's great is that all (or most) of that stuff that I just talked about is all wrapped up in Karen House and the Catholic Worker Movement. I just volunteered there for the third time this afternoon, cooking a meal and playing with the kids. At one point, I began to think, hey wouldn't this get boring to do day after day after day? Then I realized what any job is like and what school is like for me right now. Except often school doesn't bring me much happiness or peace, but volunteering at Karen House does. So I would love to be able to do that day after day after day. Several of the workers I've met are vegetarian. (none of the guys have long hair). All workers live in voluntary poverty: second-hand clothes, no entertainment technology, riding bikes or buses, limited utilities. They have a compost pile and a garden. They are activists, speaking out against social injustice and war. They pray together in an intimate chapel. And they are constantly at service to the poor, literally living among their guests. It seems that the workers there don't have families of their own, and for the first time, I can see the benefit of the vocation of being single. I can now see how much my parents had to give up in terms of their own work for the coming of God's kingdom throughout the earth in order to raise my brother and I and reveal God's kingdom to us. I feel like they have raised me to be like St. Francis: revealing to me the limited happiness of the material world so that I may choose poverty and a life of service to Jesus, a life full of limitless joy, for myself.

So for now, I thank God for the opportunity to learn diligently in school and the blessing of volunteering at Karen House. That volunteering might quite possibly be an exploration of my future vocation.

America, this is what I'm thinking

This is a response to the comment made by Stan on the post in which I vented my post-election angst. First off, that post was not meant to stand as my final intelligent analysis of the cultural downturn this country is going through. While I stand by what I said, it was, in fact, a rant of sorts and meant to be somewhat inflammatory. Well, Stan, you were certainly inflamed.

Ok, now a response to your second through fifth paragraphs (the environment). What we have here is a difference in worldviews. Thank you for bringing this subject up, because I had been meaning to talk about it since the beginning of the school year. I'm currently taking a course in Environmental Science, so each day I'm understanding more and more just how screwed the earth is if we keep our present behavior up. First, oil. It's nice that you feel so secure in your frontier science (aka yet to be proven) and in your conservative version of the truth, but the fact is that our current known reserves are going to dry up completely within my lifetime at the current rate of production. Even if exploration reveals new reserves, I'd like to see you try to enjoy breathing when we all drive SUVs. I believe it is safe to say that your worldview is that of planetary management, as my course would call it. This worldview says that humans may manage the world to their own maximum benefit and will be able, by their superior intellect, to solve any negative environmental repercussions that their actions will create. It views the world as a tool to be used by humans. The worldview I would like to put forth is that of environmental wisdom. In this view, we understand that the earth would be just fine without us (actually, better off) and therefore strive to live sustainably (as in not using up all of a nonrenewable resource such as oil). Unfortunately, the exponential growth of the human population is not sustainable. We are overshooting the carrying capacity of the earth, and we will eventually have a population crash similar to the Black Death. Technology can only prop us up for so long. But people who continue to abuse the earth with their planetary management worldviews are only shortening the time before that happens. There is a reason for environmentalists to be radical. They realize fully the urgency of the situation and are like unheeded prophets in the desert.

Ok, spoiled malcontents? Yes, Kerry is rich. He is an elite. He belongs to Yale's Skull and Bones club. Bush is all of those things as well! I know that Kerry isn't much better than Bush, but I would have taken what I could get.

On to the pro-life issue. Abortion is an evil. It is intrinsically evil, I agree. But it cannot be as black and white as I wish it could be. In cases of rape, incest, or the mother's life being threatened by the pregnancy, the government cannot take away the woman's ability to choose. However, if it were a hypothetical (woman) "me" in any of those situations, I hope that I would have the courage to at least have the child and give him or her away through adoption or to give up my life for my baby. Those decisions are based on moral judgements that our government cannot force everyone to have. It cannot be legislated, or at least not easily. So while I personally believe that no abortions are morally correct, it is not my nor the government's place to judge that for everyone. While I would love to only look at the issue from the perspective of the innocent baby's life, there is an unfortunate gray area in which one must consider the rights of the mother equally with the rights of the unborn (and unfortunately unrepresented) baby.

I'd also like to address gay rights, even though Stan did not bring that topic up in his rebuttal. The Republican party effectively used the public's fear of homosexual people getting married to get more conservatives to the polls (and vote for Bush while they're there voting for gay marriage bans). As much as I despise the term objectively disordered, the homosexual act is just that. Marriage within the Church is both unitive and procreative. Obviously, the homosexual act cannot bear fruit, unless one considers adoption to be equivalent with procreation. So the Church will never allow homosexuals to marry. Civil marriages have no requirement of procreation, so there should be no reason why homosexual couples cannot be married by the state. I see no distinction to be made between civil marriages and civil unions. Marriage within the Church as an institution cannot be threatened simply because homosexuals can (or should be allowed to) marry through the State.

Finally, the issue of pacifism. Violence begets violence. It is as simple as that. Islamic fundamentalist terrorists may want to attack us now, but continuing to exert our power over them isn't going to stamp out terrorism. That is because we aren't dealing with a limited number of terrorists who we can all eventually kill and solve the problem. We are dealing with an insurgency that will only continue to grow under present conditons. Just as with the economic root of many abortions, we have to treat the anger of terrorists at its root, not violently react to the visible outbursts of that anger. The position of pacifism is a scary and dangerous one. I would argue that it is the more courageous one, the more revolutionary one, as well.

Yes, I am continually learning. But I believe I am more free to receive the truth that I learn without the blinders of selfish concerns. These are my intelligent opinions, and I invite debate.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The Bone has a wonderful post as to where to go from here that I invite you (the general public, not Stan) to read. (it is the second post on Nov. 6, if confused) It lifted my spirits after being kicked while already down by aforementioned Stan. The poem If, linked to in the post, was especially inspiring for this post. Thank you, Stan, for challenging me to mature, not into your conservative point of view, but in being able to take criticism as constructive and replace my rant with clear-headed opinions and arguments.


I've actually realized recently just how conservative I am with regards to my own sexuality. While it is obvious from my positions on abortion and homosexuality that I do not judge others by my own standards, the standards of chastity I hold myself to are pretty darn high! I realize this as a result of my theology class. I'll hopefully post more on this later.

Prohodiation

Last wednesday night at youth group, we received the challenge to cut the strings that hold us back from our full potential, from fully surrendering to God. We went through our days and reflected on what was holding us back from what we wanted to do. Then we ranked the items in order of importance, with one item of highest rank that we would definitely commit to cutting out of our lives. Since the word procrastination appeared on my list at several points throughout the day, I figured that would be a good thing to work on. I mentioned my problem with procrastination when I was ranting about school earlier, but it has been a bigger problem this year. I had a case of early onset senioritis. So since wednesday, I've been focusing on not procrastinating, and I've been pretty good. With getting my homework done earlier (or getting it done at all), I actually had time to blog last night (a school night). I already reflected on a cause of my procrastination, that cause being using it as a release from my perfectionism. But basically, it is a matter of self-discipline. Although, I have noticed that, while it is nice not having to rush to get my homework done before I go to the class it is due in, the days are generally more boring without the adrenaline of rushing. There's a trade off. I just need to find more ways to be more productive and less bored. I did well today, turning in my application to SLU, finally, and looking into other scholarships (but still, I wasn't under any pressure, so it was not very interesting; I wish I was taking psychology right now).

Nevertheless, not procrastinating is good. Maybe I'll start practicing prohodiation (pro hodie "for today" (a word I just made up), instead of pro cras, "for tomorrow"), and start my homework on a friday. Maybe.

America, what were you thinking?

To: The World
I want to sincerely apologize on behalf of the people of the United States of America for not removing George W. Bush from power. I apologize to you because I am certain that the next four years will undoubtedly hold great suffering and injustice for many more parts of the world as a direct result of Bush's "foreign policy," aka using a war on terror as an excuse to seize as much of the dwindling fossil fuels as possible, which will only increase the amount of terrorists' complaints and rage against the United States. So I fear for your well-being, World.

I also fear for the United States, which, under Bush's "domestic policy," will continue on the path of regression in the areas of environmental protection, education, the welfare of the poor and elderly (both financially and medically), gainful employment, and civil rights/constitutional rights. Talk about shooting yourselves in the foot.

I'm seriously having trouble understanding the thought processes of half of America. There are actually people who think Bush is a good president. And they are the majority! What kind of country am I living in? I'll never leave the country soley because of the election of one person, but if those people being elected keep taking away more and more of my rights and keep degrading the society in which I need to survive in, destroying the "American Dream" they profess to live by, I may eventually be fleeing, not from a man, but from the tyranical state that man is leading. In that case, Sweden, here I come!

I would like to question Archbishop Burke's stand on voting for "pro-life" candidates. I understand that we should choose candidates by evaluating their positions through the lens of our beliefs. But lets honestly look at the significance of what we've done. We (er, you) voted for the "pro-life" candidate by reason of our religious beliefs. And when this candidate assumes power with a mandate based on those religious beliefs, he will go on to work on economic and political matters (not religious!) that will in fact lead to an increase in the problem of abortion (through the oppression of the poor (who receive the majority of abortions)) and the problem of capital punishment. And the problem of an unjust war. Just because war is supposedly justifible in some situations doesn't mean that we should disregard the fact that it is NOT JUSTIFIED in this situation. Bush may not be pro-choice, but he certainly isn't pro-life, either. And you put him back in office. So I fear for the Church as well.


Just a few notes on what I would like to see changed about the election process. Federal control of voting methods! It should be standardized throughout the country. Also a better voting method. I'm researching what that might be. Possibly ranked pairs. Possibly instant runoff voting. I still need to learn more. Get rid of the electoral college. My history teacher tried to explain its purpose/importance, but he failed to impress its importance on me. It is antiquated and needs to go. Feel free to enlighten me if you think otherwise. Or if for some reason we have to keep it, we can at least follow New Hampshire's lead (I think) and divide the electoral votes proportionally to the popular vote. Oh, and we could abolish the two party system while we're at it.

Dream ticket for '08 election: Obama McCain.

Pray for our troops, that they can stop dying for one man's mistake/personal agenda.
And God bless the WORLD, because America just cursed itself.

Fr. Sam wants YOU to be a priest.

Last Sunday, I met with some of my classmates and a priest at my high school. We were there to discuss our possible vocation of priesthood. It's a relatively small group. There are apparently only five of us in my whole class considering the priesthood. I was invited to come to these meetings at the beginning of the school year. I'm not exactly sure why. I suppose all of the priests or even all the theology teachers talk amongst themselves regarding possible candidates for the seminary, because I don't remember ever directly telling the priest who led the meeting (Fr. H) that I was considering the priesthood. Nevertheless, this has been at least the fourth priest to approach me about the priesthood. So I'm feeling a call, at least on the temporal plane. There hasn't been any great epiphanies or inspirations from the spiritual plane calling me to the celibate life as of yet. That's not to diminish the importance of the temporal plane of course. I suppose I'm not so much looking for a call from above as much as from within. I believe for the most part, even though it is hard to consider in my humanness, that I would be free to follow God's will into the consecrated life, if that be the case. But let's look at the practical side (the side all of these priests looked at when they decided to extend the invitation to join them and answer a similar vocation as their own). Why do I elicit so much attention from these priests? Basically, I believe I have been observed as being prayerful and pious. It is true that I do pray (not nearly as much as I should/as I want to) and that I have developed a generally pious pattern of behavior. From these things one may conclude that I am a spiritual person and interested in spiritual things. But does that mean that I am automatically a strong candidate for the priesthood? Maybe. Does it mean that I should automatically become a priest? Definitely not. I don't think anyone was suggesting that, but with the numerous invitations to the priesthood, I think I have felt pressured to consider the option and therefore perverted the intent of the invitations.

When I strip the situation down to just me and God, which is what I would prefer to do right now, I am left to consider the practical matter of how good of a priest I would make. What makes for a good priest? It seems to me that in one's vocation, one would find the best use for the talents one has been given. Right now I don't feel that I would make a good priest with the gifts I have. Although I do realize that if this be my vocation, God would give me the grace to live it out.

Actually, I'm suprised that I am taking these considerations as seriously as I am during this period of doubts in which I am questioning the importance of ritual and ceremony and elaborate symbolism. I'm by no means rejecting all of it, just seeking a better appreciation of it. But while I'm going through this process, its a little hard to consider becoming the one administering all of the rituals and ceremonies and wearing the robes full of elaborate symbolism. Robes that seem to elevate the priest and put up a barrier between the priest and congregation right now. I think all of these doubts come as a result of surrounding myself with people that do reject all of this organized religion stuff (namely, many of my classmates), and not living in a bubble. Even in a Catholic Jesuit high school, secularism creeps in and influences my thinking. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing. It leads me to struggle with these issues and strengthen what I actually believe in. I also have gained a better understanding of where some of my classmates are coming from with regards to their attitudes about religion. At the end of the day, I may not agree, but that isn't necessary for me to understand and accept them for who they are. So I'm glad for that.

When I talked Sunday about where I am in my discernment, I offered the definition of vocation that it is finding God in my deepest and best desires. I said that I'm not sure how to discern what those desires are, but I do know for sure that I have a desire to be a husband and a father. Fr. H responded that on some level, everyone wants to be a spouse and parent, but we have to get past that. I'm just not so sure I should.

So here's to developing a personal relationship with God that I am able to take public, sharing it in the faith community of the Mass. I'll just work on living for God and let God figure out how to guide me to the right vocation.

Fight Club: a call to let go and let God?

As I've been reflecting, another thing I took away from watching Fight Club is a reiteration of an idea I wrote about last spring during track: that I can only improve myself so much on my own and I have to let God work in me without my interference. The anti-globalization movement that develops during the movie has the aura of the early Christian Church in that the people involved are completely dedicated and empowered as though the Holy Spirit is working within them. That's as far as the comparison goes between Fight Club and the early Christian Church. Two different themes in the movie that lead to this dynamic movement are letting go of control (which in the movie led to a "near-life experience" (as opposed to near-death)) and the favoring of self-destruction over self-improvement. I am repulsed by the movie's idea of self-destruction (basically all types of violence brought upon one's person by choice), but this may be translated to the more Christian ideal of dying to one's own wants and needs, rejecting the material things (just as in the movie) in order to be free to follow and imitate Jesus. So I was just thinking about all of the self-improvement that I talk about and try to do, especially as discussed in this blog. The movie says that self-improvement is just masturbation. And I would agree with that statement if anything I do is not fully directed to pleasing God and not myself. I need to let go of control of my life, deconstructing those aspects of my life that I hold onto for my own sense of control and security and pleasure so that God may be free to move within me and work through me to affect this world as God wills it. This is yet another call to change the attitudes with which I am motivated in order to be selfless in my attempts at self transformation/world transformation. I hope this results in less talking about it (as in this blog) and more praying. Less lip-service, more action.

Politics: opinions on the election, globalization

Well, lots of different things have entered into and influenced my thinking during this exam week (ie week of partial freedom from time restraints imposed by school). I read an article about the European Dream (as opposed to the American Dream) in Utne magazine. I have been reading Catherine de Hueck Doherty's The Gospel Without Compromise. I finally watched Fahrenheit 9/11. I also watched Fight Club today. It's been a lot to take in. Maybe I can start to process it here.

Okay, first off I should get it out there that I'm planning to vote for Kerry come 11/2. As much as I am Pro-Life, I have come to understand that abortion laws will not be changed any time soon. It would be better to support a candidate whose philosophy might lead to a treatment of the social conditions that lead to many abortions than to support a candidate who is making those conditions worse, and isn't all that Pro-Life anyway. Honestly, my vote for Kerry is more a vote against Bush. While I dislike the two party system dramatically limiting my options to support a candidate who actually holds the majority of my views, I accept that this is the present system within which we are living. And in order to successfully oust Bush, I am left with only one realistic choice. This is a vote of conscience for me because I cannot imagine giving Bush another four years to mess up the planet any more than he already has; I have to have hope that Kerry will be able to at least slow down the rate at which the United States messes up the world.

I mean, really, doesn't anyone else see the irony of Bush forcing "freedom [to be] on the march?" Any parallels to Monolithic Communism? Taking over countries so that they can assume your political system? This is the most blatant, and therefore most offensive to the world, form of globalization that the United States is trying to enact.

I guess this is where my watching Fight Club takes effect. I had never given much thought to the effects of globalization, or even what it was, until recently. The movie is basically (without getting into any of the plot at all) a portrayal of a very violent anti-globalization group. I read a review of the movie that helped me understand it a lot better for what it is, if you're interested. I came away from the movie and review thinking about what I've read in Gospel Without Compromise, which is the most recent call to love one's enemies that I've received. So the movie was good only in introducing me to this important issue of globalization.

The Utne article that I linked to above was cool because it presents an alternate worldview from the one the United States holds, that of Europe, or more specifically, the European Union, which I find to be a very cool thing indeed. I very much suggest reading the article. Unfortunately, as Europe has apparently evolved liberally, it has become greatly secularized (as the article says). Not that the United States is very far behind that trend. Despite this fact about European culture, I get the sense that I might be more compatible with the governing structures in Europe than in the United States. I'm not planning on moving an time soon, but I look forward to experiencing Europe in person.

I don't know if there's anything to say about Fahrenheit. Bush is bad. We need to get him out. I knew that before watching the movie. But it's nice to know that the message is reaching more voters.

To quote the bumperstickers on the back of my car (if only bikes had bumpers), "Choose Life. Not Bush."

Nature and the deceleration of my life

Today, it has been raining and in the high 50s. One of the things I love about Cross Country is that we run in any weather. Well, not when the weather is actually dangerous (like lightening), and last I checked, getting wet does not cause humans to melt. So we ran today. It was a timed run (where the pace doesn't really matter at all), then some long striders (aka sprints. well, almost), then a few hill repeats. Thursdays are normally hard (ie fast) practices, so this was actually a nice compromise on a rainy day.

The reason why I'm blogging about this practice is because it was fun. Or at least, I had fun doing it. It is so much fun to jump in puddles. To get my shoes soaked. To get all muddy.

When we started our timed run, my group's agenda was rather split between having fun/avoiding work (or any actual running) and focusing on hammering out the workout as instructed in spite of the weather conditions. A difference in agenda that eventually led to a split in the group. And I was happily in the middle, running as much as the focused people, but having fun, seeking out big puddles to splash through. So I just wanted to write this down as a reminder to myself of how much fun I can have with the right attitude, even while getting done what needs to get done.

Plus, nature is just wonderful. That's another thing about Cross Country. I get to spend at least two hours of every day outdoors in a huge park. The other day, I was on another run, and I passed a tree changing colors. It was still green in parts, then some yellow, some orange, a lot of red. And I was able, while still running, to just be so thankful to God for creating Creation. This is an accomplishment to do while running because being thankful at that moment meant a lot of arm gesturing towards the heavens.

I've also been noticing when I drive that the most beautiful and welcoming neighborhoods are the ones with huge trees growing every 30 feet. The more nature is left untouched, the more beauty can be found.


I road my bike yesterday to school and back home, which is about 6 or 7 miles. It took about 45 minutes. And I really like the pace of life that riding a bike requires. Or walking, or riding a bus. I think technology that makes everything fast and easy takes away so many opportunities to slow down and appreciate the life that is going on around you, whereas simpler modes of transportation or of eating or of doing any mundane activity forces you to slow down and take life in.

This post is the fulfillment of a habit I said I would like to start of keeping track of things that have an influence on me. Hopefully there will be more to come, if school allows. Speaking of school, that post several days ago was me needing to vent. But I have realized that my values have changed with relation to school. Getting straight A's is no longer something of absolute importance to me. I'm much more interested in having what I learn guide me to a better way of living. With a value shift comes a shift in priorities, and apparently, a shift in grades. School is a great thing. Education is certainly a very valuable thing to work towards. But the mind and all I have learned will eventually fade with my memory. My soul on the other hand, is eternal. My efforts to maintain and improve each should be distributed accordingly. I just wanted to tone down my raging of my school/idol post now that exam week has afforded me a clearer head and ample time to reopen communication with God. Thanks for your prayers.

Have fun; slow down; splash in puddles.

Hope Against Darkness, et al.

I recently finished reading a book for my theology class, entitled Hope Against Darkness, The Transforming Vision of Saint Francis in an Age of Anxiety, by Richard Rohr, and it was a very good book for me to have read. I learned a lot of new concepts from the book. I just wanted to name a few important ones.

There were a couple of things that paralleled things that I had already come to realize. Rohr describes two basic ways of behavior: fight or flight. He suggests that there is a third way (the way Jesus exemplifies) called compassionate knowing. This seems to me to be very similar to the idea behind my "man of peace" blog. He also said that "the best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better," which of course goes right along with the "world transformation through self transformation" thought I've discussed before. So that was cool.

But he also challenged me to growth in a very important way. One of the topics that he came back to several times throughout the book was that both liberals and conservatives are flawed in their worldviews. Obviously, his critique on liberals is what had an effect on me. He described how liberals, while very accepting of the broadness of humanity, have trouble acknowledging the vertical dimension of God. This translates to my experience because of my inclination to think in terms of social justice, often without the openness to God through prayer (which I do desire) to go along with it. (and conservatives exhibit the opposite phenomenon, if you were wondering) He also pointed out how critical liberals are of society, esp. authority figures. It just gave me something to think about. How critical am I? Of whom? I think I want to break that habit of being overly critical/sarcastic.

I also went to a Social Justice Night at SLU a couple weeks ago where Jim Wallis spoke on the topic of religion and politics. He stressed that God is not a republican or a democrat. I might post more on what I learned from that night later, but basically I am feeling challenged/called to not define myself so much as a liberal. I need to look at each issue separately, but through the lens of my faith, more than any political group. Most of my opinions will probably still end up being generally liberal, though.

Also, in theology class, I learned something new about Jesus. We read the first chapter of Meeting Jesus Again, a book I now want to read the rest of. It reinforces the human nature of Jesus. I had never fully realized or accepted how much Jesus limited himself when He became Incarnate. That he wasn't aware that he was the Messiah. It is still a very new perspective for me, so I have to reflect on it more before I can write more on it.

I also read an article about the celibacy of the clergy (reading ahead in theology class). It described how this vow allows a priest or sister to reform and redirect their sexuality so that when relating with other people, they are able to take a genuine and complete interest in that person in a very unarming, comforting, and loving way. So that led me to, one, appreciate the vow of celibacy a lot more, and two, reevaluate my own chastity (which I see as a single layperson's celibacy) to see how I can try to develop and grow in my ability to relate to people in this way. And that wouldn't have to end with marriage.

Speaking of vocations, with the hecticness of the schoolyear and with what I've been studying in my Modern Euro class about Protestantism, I am realizing that I need to gain a better understanding of the fundamental function and purpose of a priest before I can consider the priesthood. So I'll be working to educate myself. Pray for me as I go through these faith-strengthening doubts!

changes to internet identity

For anyone who does not yet realize, I have changed my email from peace.mon(at)juno.com to tomcampbell.manofpeace(at)gmail.com. Juno was going to try to make me pay for the service I use. Also, I was getting tired of the mispelling of "man" in order to synthesis a Jamaican dialect.

I also recently (ie just now) changed my AIM screenname from sluhguy86 to pacis vir (I realize this particular announcement only affects approximately 3 readers of this blog). Pacis vir is latin for man of peace. It wasn't my first choice, but a whole lot of screennames are already taken. To name a few: "vir pacis" "man of peace" "pax et bonum" "peace and all good" "go in peace" "tom campbell" (I had to try). So for the three or four of you out there that both read this blog and use AIM, be sure to switch my sn to pacis vir. This change is basically because I am trying to define my identity less on the institutions and other various groups of humans with which I'm involved, focusing more on the bigger picture: universal concerns, God. I just realized this action also goes well with my last post. Not consciously intentional.

My education: a form of idolatry?

I'm now nearing the end of the first quarter of the school year. And I'm having some trouble appreciating the education I'm getting. Or supposed to be getting, if I weren't sleep-deprived.

That's right, Tom Campbell is struggling with school. Well, two classes in particular, but I see a broader problem in the system. The reason that I've been struggling in these two classes (Shakespeare and AP Modern European History, if you were wondering) is that I procrastinate.

And I procrastinate in order to overcome my perfectionism (if I wait until the last minute, I am finally able to let go of my expectation of perfection. I know; I'm sick. It's definitely a habit I want to break). But that is a separate issue.

I put off the homework by doing the things that I actually want to be doing. (This most affects these two classes because the assignments are long term or without a definite due date, allowing me to procrastinate the most on these assignments.) This is stuff like reading and writing emails (to continue to maintain and develop friendships), reading, blogging/reflecting/pondering. I also spend a lot of time on my theology homework because I enjoy and get the most out of that class. I feel that that class is the most relevant to my life, so I do that homework first, I spend more time doing it, and I even read ahead because I find the material so interesting/relevant.

I also on occasion have to spend more than the usual amount of time focusing on physical needs. With being in the midst of my Cross Country season, my body needs this attention. Some nights, especially after a hard workout, I simply need to nap before I could possibly do homework. Or sometimes I sense that I haven't been getting enough (or have been burning too many, via running) calories, so I have to spend more time snacking and eating dinner.

My question is, why should I not be able to do all of these other things that are important and/or necessary and also be able to do all of my homework? The problem I see with this system of education is a simple one. Too much "learning" or material to cover is being demanded in too small of a time. I should be able to go to school, participate in cocurricular activites, do all of my homework, do other things that are important to my growth as a person that are outside of school, AND get a full night of sleep.

School crams as much education as possible into the nine months of the school year, and then we have 3 months of summer in which nothing is demanded of my brain. I suppose I'm recognizing the benefits of a year-round school calendar. I know I could use the three months of summer much more productively than I have in the past. But I have a problem with internal motivation. It's another good habit that I need to develop. Perhaps I'm just having a major problem with time management. I do admit that I am guilty of misusing some of my time and that is a part of my problem. But I don't see the things I've named above as a misuse of time, and therefore, I don't see why I have to struggle to fit them in.

A couple weeks ago, realizing how badly I was doing in a few of my classes, I gave in and stopped trying to keep up with these other important things in order to completely focus on my schoolwork and try to salvage the quarter. Is that what is expected of me: to give all of my attention and energy to school? Without the extra time that I would like to spend on theology class, I have to admit that I have no time or energy to devote to any kind of prayer life or to developing my relationship with God. I missed going to daily mass every day this past week. And when I'm falling asleep of exhaustion before I've even finished all of my homework, there's no way that I could pray at the end of my day. Something is seriously wrong when I have to make my education a god.

I will be working to correct the things that I am doing wrong on my part, but I expect more than that is needed. I ask that you pray for me, that I have enough time to pray.

Good Habits

A good portion of the posts that I have in this blog deal with self-improvements, basically. I have developed a hobby of attempting to break bad habits and searching for good habits to practice instead.

I've stopped the bad habit of unhealthy eating (mostly) in favor of a vegetarian diet (albeit this is only one of many reasons for that change). I am currently working on breaking the habits of television-induced mindlessness and staying up way past my bedtime. I've recognized habits in my relating to others that need improvement. I've been continually working on good habits in my prayer life. There have been a good number of things besides these that I've also worked on. I won't name them here (because I'm too lazy-another habit to change), but it has been a good start.

But there is a whole lot more that I would like to change and a bunch of new things I would like to experience. There is a slew of thoughts running through my head, and I'm going to try to get them all down, so bear with me and the expected disorganized mess to follow.

I want to eventually ride my bike everywhere I go instead of driving a car. At least in normal weather conditions.

I want to foster a ravenous appetite for reading. There are so many great books that I want to read that I haven't. I just need to start. If I wait until I have enough time, it'll never happen. I really like looking through bookstores. I'd also like to learn to speedread.

I want to learn to cook really good vegetarian meals. I'd also like to eventually grow and keep a garden.

I want to learn and regularly practice tai chi and yoga and other meditative activities.

I want to blog on a more regular basis, including important goings-on from my daily life. I'd like to keep a better track on things and events that have an effect on me.

I want to continue to simplify my life. Eventually, I hope this leads to letting go of using/owning a personal computer (probably not practical if I grow up to have any sort of "real" job. A friend of mine would like to just work in his garden all day in place of any normal job. Sounds good to me. Update on career discernment: I am now considering three different paths with a somewhat equal amount of emphasis or attention. I've already named all three at some point in this blog, so it's more of a summary than an update. They are theology teacher, priest, and Catholic Worker (Karen House).) I want to cleanse myself of all unneeded possessions and then cleanse myself of all unneeded desires. When I purchase things, I would like to patronize small businesses as much as possible.

I want to learn to play the guitar. Of course, this requires reading music. Which I find very hard to do. Many things that are worthwhile learning are hard and require a whole lot of practice (reading, writing, typing, speedreading). So I'll have to just accept and tackle this hurdle.

I would like to explore and utilize holistic medicine (especially for this cough I have now). I'd like to be able to continue in my inablity to swallow pills. As much as possible, I want to limit fixing things with chemicals. Whenever I do have to remedy some illness, I want to look to nature first.

As I simplify, and when I build my home/dorm/room, I would like to extend my use of natural materials and use feng shui.

As you can tell, I have a deep appreciation for nature and natural beauty. I have trouble with artificial attempts at aesthetic quality. I don't like the whole concept of make-up. I could get onto a soapbox for this point, but basically, I think people spend too much time focusing on their appearance. I acknowledge that people need to maintain their bodies and should spend some time working to present themselves well. But in my opinion, people spend an excessive amount of time, energy, and money doing so. I also have a distaste for formal etiquette and manners. Again, I acknowledge that purposeful rudeness is to be avoided, but I don't think people should have to apologize because they had to burp or fart. I guess something I've been working on is trying to not be offended by things. I think the only occasion to be offended is when dealing with a sin. What does it matter if something bothers your ears or nose? It is what offends the soul that should cause a reaction.

There may be more that I want to say, but I have to go to bed. Basically, I've realized that I've developed a good habit of developing good habits. These good habits are directing me to have a good, healthy lifestyle. I believe if I'm moving in the right direction with regard to the way in which I live, I will more easily move in the right direction with regard to my soul (ie toward God). And ultimately, that is what I will be working on throughout my life.

Patch Adams and Nathan inspire Tom

I've been pretty full of thoughts the past couple of days, and when I woke up this morning, I decided, hey, I think I'm moved again! I think I should change the name of this blog (or just develop a new nickname) to Tom the Turtle's blog. However, this is probably an insult to turtles who are all able to move faster than I can. And I can accept that. I'm slow. I have great thoughts; they just take forever to get out of my head. I'll get going with my topic now.

Giving, generosity, unselfishness, benevolence. So that's my topic.

My first thoughts came from a packet I got from my church's lenten workshop on prayer. In it is a description of the kind of prayer that is most beneficial as determined by one's personality type. So as a self described INFP, I need to pray alone most of the time. It also says I need to set aside an hour every day for prayer. I should read short Bible passages from 2nd Isaiah, Psalms, Gospels, and Pauline letters in order to find one or two verses that I can meditate on and use over and over. It says INFPs usually don't like formal prayers, but I'm enjoying saying the rosary every day. It is very calming and actually helps me to focus my prayer. I guess I like the rosary because I don't think of it as formal prayer but rather a chant that allows me to meditate. So obviously, if formal prayer isn't my thing, spontaneous prayers of thanksgiving, praise, and humility are great for me. I should also keep a journal to help record the inspirations God gives me (does this blog count? partially).

Ok, so all of that is about my prayer life (not about giving). And I wasn't really going anywhere with that, except that the last point in the article about INFPs states that "there is a real danger of the INFP becoming too introverted, too self-centered" and "INFPs must make a special effort every day to forget themselves and reach out to others. The INFP must not wait until whole and healed before reaching out to heal and help others. The INFP should begin his/her day with: 'What can I do today to make others happier and better for having met me?'"

So that got me thinking. Thinking about how much time I'm saying/writing/proclaiming that community service is my thing, that it's the best way to spend my time, that it is so awesome. And then thinking about how much time I actually do spend by doing community service. Yes, I do some. But not nearly enough. I hate being hypocritical, but I love catching myself in it and stopping it and growing because of it. So that's what I'll try to do.

Ok so fastforward a day (from having read the article). It's after youth group. Everyone is standing in the parking lot, talking, having fun. A man in his 60's, perspiring heavily, carrying a gas can, and followed by a bunch of children approaches us. He had ran out of gas and was asking for help. So I was going to walk over to the gas station with him and get him some gas, and that would be it. Then my friend (Nathan, who unfortunately, doesn't read anyone's blog, I don't think) called to wait up. That he would come with me. So I thought, ok, Nathan wants to make sure I'm safe. (for anyone reading this who doesn't know Nathan, he's strong) (and anyone reading this who doesn't know me, I'm not) But then as we walked, Nathan was just talking. First to me, just having fun. Then to the guy, trying to get to know him, asking how he's doing, what happened, where he's from. Nathan was easily able to connect with him as a human, whereas I would have been satisfied to have not talked with him at all, to just get the gas, seeing him as a problem to be fixed. And that's a depressing thought. Because I have great intentions to help people, but I'm not good at it at all when I try to. And I admire Nathan for his ability to look past the problem to the person. And act accordingly.

I have a question to pose to everyone. What do you do when someone, such as this man, asks for money? Personally, I decide on a case by case basis. But I need to have input from minds wiser than my own. (so please comment)

Then once I got home (and by home I mean dogsitting), I watched Patch Adams. And that was great. That movie can inspire greatness, let my tell you.

So I just want to be working on, first, making an effort to give a whole lot more each day, and second, connecting with people in a fuller way. To see everyone as both a patient and a doctor (as Patch does). To let my guard down, have fun, be goofy, and have a positive effect on people.

Lately, I feel like I've been taking life way too seriously. And that needs to stop. Because if life is too serious, then there is no life.

Laugh with people. Cry with people. Have compassion. And be generous.