Learning to pray

I have conflict within me. And most of it relates to matters of religion. By this point, I am firmly of the belief that Catholicism or even Christianity is not the religion of absolute truth. Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, and probably a lot of other smaller ones that I'm forgetting- these are all viable options in one's personal path towards truth. Or is religion just the opium of the masses- blinding and appeasing everyone to distract them from their suffering? Religion, I read somewhere, is not what we do for God, but a celebration of what God has done for us. Who is God? Supreme being. All good. All loving. Omnipotent. Omnipresent. In my limited reasoning mind, I resort to encasing God into something with human properties- Jesus, only older. But being omnipresent, God is within me. There isn't an old man within me, even a spirit of an old man. But God is within me. In reading Power of Now, God is equated with the reality of beingness- what is found in the present moment. If we only lived there, that's already heaven. "The reality of beingness" is a much more vague picture of God to try to hold on to, but it might be more accurate. Think about it- God's name is I am who am. I suppose my trouble is conceiving something so vague as supreme being- an entity who willed the existence of the universe, who willed my existence. I say that I am a child of God. Thinking about that, I suppose it refers to God creating me and my efforts to do God's will. God's will- now how do I know what that is? I've always had difficulty with prayer. Holding a coversation with God, as I have always tried to do, ends up being as draining as any conversation is for this introvert. I've noticed that my level of commitment to a conversation is largely dependent upon the other person. If they are dynamic and funny, I will do my best to keep up. If they are as quiet as I am, the conversation will proceed slowly and disjointedly. Now apply that general rule to the Being that is not even there in physical form to converse but rather communicates with you in the slightest way, in the whisper of the breeze or the rustle of the grass. It feels like the epitome of one-sided conversations (anyone who has talked with me knows what those are like, but I'm getting better, slowly). To be completely honest, most of the time when I pray, I feel like I'm talking to myself. And consequently, I don't spend much time doing it. What is the purpose of prayer? To petition, praise, thank, and ask forgiveness (thanks grade school religion class). I don't think I really understand petitioning God. Like asking for blessing. People who have recovered from illness do say that prayer helped heal them, but I don't understand why God needs the encouragement. I suppose the positive energy of community building that results from the pray has an influence. I think my problem is that I see prayer as an obligation to do at the end of my day instead of taking the opportunities to prayer throughout the day when I actually have praise and thanks for God. I don't know what to think about the sacraments. I still believe they are useful, and therefore still use them, but following the idea that the Catholic Church is not the only source of truth, the Sacraments are not necessarily the main source of grace. I find genuine (ie, personally created) rituals much more meaningful. That's the thing- there are an infinite number of ways to pray. I'm severely limiting my options. Meditation- a direct gateway to living in the moment- is an attractive option at the moment. Buddhism in particular is appearing to me to lead me to knowledge of truth. Nirvana is completely separating from self to rejoin in the oneness of being. If that is not the same as the heaven I've been trying to picture, I don't know what is.

To say that I believe in God is a pretty empty statement. The majority of people who make that statement don't back it up with any action (beyond the superficial). The challenge is to move from belief (mind) to knowing (soul). It seems to me that you can be taught an idea, but you won't know it, it won't be real to you, until you experience it, try it, take action. That's my meditating through action.

My action this week has been to transport primarily by bicycle. The weather is finally warm enough. I have to learn to deal with rain soon, though. It has been a wonderful experience so far.