Messy rituals

Today was Holy Thursday, so starting holy week. My holy week is very busy, because all of the masses are unique, and I am actively involved in making them that way. Well, my only job today was serving actually. Anyway, what makes Holy Thursday unique is the washing of the feet, dancing (at my parish), blessing of ministers, and benediction. So serving was actually a bigger job than usual. I like my rituals messy, so this is a good liturgy for me. Washing feet is messy. Full submersion baptisms are messy (although I don't think we're having any this year (and that would be saturday, anyway)). I don't like how clean the ritual of communion is. It is so standardized and institutionalized. We used to have parishoners actually bake unleavened bread for mass (my mom and I made the bread the night before my first communion), but the hierarchy of the church swooped in and forced us to stop so that everyone everywhere is doing exactly the same thing, as if creativity and individual expression of spirituality is a sin. And then more recently, someone also told us we had to buy gold communion vessels, instead of using our glass/crystal (flashback to Indiana Jones and the search for the Holy Grail- didn't the fancier one lead to death?). And then tonight, with there being liturgical dance, I saw some visitor laughing at it, looking astonished. He actually started off mocking it, and then just stared. Of all the things to make fun of about a Catholic mass, he picks the only ounce of uniqueness. Of course, that's why he was mocking it. What should be ridiculed are lifeless ceremonies that are void of conscious participation by the majority because their repetitiveness lulls people to just follow along without thinking. These are blanket statements I shouldn't be making because I can only knowingly apply them to myself. I did enjoy benediction/adoration because it afforded me the opportunity to attempt meditating, with some success. Meditation is obviously very close to prayer, if not synonymous, but I use that word because of the mindset that comes with it for me. The mindset I assume attempting to pray will inevitably lead to much wandering of the mind, whereas meditation is focused on clearing the mind, centering one's being in God. Just helpful terminology for me. The idea of prayer, unfortunately, is cliched for me at the moment. Admittedly, as I write this, I feel moved to prayer, which I'll take as the opportunity it is.