Posters

There was a poster sale today on campus. And while my room is already well decorated, I got two more. First I'll tell you what I already had:

• a large map positioned "upside" down
• a large picture of Gandhi sitting on the floor, studying some papers, next to his spinning wheel
• a colorful peace sign (a gift from my brother, Mike)
• a poster of a peace crane
• a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr.
  
• a picture of Albert Einstein
• a framed poem by Pedro Arrupe, SJ about falling in love
• an equal-area projection map currently hanging sideways (with west down), thanks to my friend Nathan
• a caricature of myself
• and finally, a poster with a quote of Gandhi: be the change you wish to see in the world

So on top of all that, I got two new ones. One is of Alber Einstein, again, but it is bigger and is of him sticking out his tongue. It also has a quote of his strongly denouncing nationalism. My second purchase was a satirical piece describing different religions' views of life through variations on the popular phrase, "shit happens."

You can see these and a few other pictures on my (finally) updated photoblog.

College life

College life is good. I'm so socially exhausted that it is hard to find the energy to write anything. So don't expect this to be deep at all. I've been cheating on this blog with a personal journal as well, so that's even more taxing on this quasi-introvert. So let's just give a quick overview of what is happening in the life of tom. My dorm is awesome. I love the arrangement. The chi is flowing pretty freely. My roommate, Matt, is wonderful. He's from Massachusetts (blue state). He is a buddhist (in the american sense). He drinks tea throughout the day. He's a very peaceful and happy person, and I am blessed to have found such a roommate the first semester of my freshman year. My floor is good. Micah House will be really good. It's nice to have knowledge of some commonly shared values with everyone who lives on your floor: social justice, peace, community. It's very easy to make friends in this environment. My classes are good. The teachers seem to be good, and the material to be covered seems to be at least somewhat palatable in some cases and extremely so in others. I'm taking Math thinking in the Real World (at least it's not a regular math class), Intro to Sociology, Painting I (oils), Intro to Philosophy: Self and Reality, and Theological Foundations. I need to create some sort of structure for myself to stay on top of all of the work I will have. Eating has never been so easy and difficult at the same time. There is so much food to eat, but it's all so far away, there's so much else to do besides eating, and it costs so much. I'd like to get a smaller meal plan and cook more. I've got a pot, a kitchenette, and the will. And I love being so close to Sara. I have no cell phone anymore and no car. It is wonderful. And now before the school year reaches full speed, I'm still able to do some reading for fun. I'm enjoying my ability and freedom to entertain thoughts without necessarily adhering to them immediately. Maybe when I'm more rested I'll elaborate on that point.

Chris

Well, I've gathered a lot to blog about in the last fourteen days. I've completed a family vacation, read a book, begun an exploration of the world of punk. A highschool classmate has also died and been buried in this time. So I've had a lot to think about (not that I didn't beforehand).

Chris, my former classmate, was in my homeroom for four years. His locker was right next to mine for four years. We were both on the wrestling team freshman year (in adjacent weight classes). And we were both in the same senior art exhibit this past semester. He was so talented in so many ways. But he was also very quiet. Four years of close proximity, and we barely ever said anything more than "hi" to each other. Everyone liked him. You could say that he was popular, except that he kind of shied away from attention most of the time. He did have his niche, but it wasn't really at school. He was going to be starting at the Art Institute of Chicago this fall. Last sunday, Chris killed himself. There is no specific reason that I'm aware of. Obviously, there was something he was struggling with that he kept to himself. I've never experienced any sort of real depression- only seasonal, so I have trouble understanding or empathizing with the desire to end your life. The very state of being can be such a joyous matter. So I feel sorrow at lost opportunity. I feel like I should have more to say about this, but I don't right now. Chris is the first person my age in my life to have died. I may be in shock or numb. I don't feel that I am, though (but I suppose that's the point of being numb). It's still rather unreal to me. The funeral helped. I think I've accepted that it happened, but I don't know what that means to me. I already had planned on never seeing most of my classmates again upon graduation, except for a class reunion here and there. So I had let go of that group of people already. And that's really all I can say about it right now.


Yeah, I'll talk about everything else later.

Constantly discerning

Friday was my last day of employment at my small little rehab company, so I am quite happy. I have a family vacation to San Fransisco coming up this week and then the rest of August to prepare for college. Which basically means that I have a lot more time to do what I actually want to do now.

Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?

You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.

One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.

The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.

On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.

I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):

I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rilke

and this:

Noble Truths:

Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.

Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.

Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.

Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.

(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)

(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)

Finding peace

I feel disconnected from the world and not quite at peace with myself, and I think it is because of my life situation right now (see previous post). I'm unsure of where I am and who I am. It's scary to say that, but I know I have great potential to learn right now. So here's what's been going on in my life recently:

I went to ecc (ecumenical catholic community) for the first time saturday night. I enjoyed it very much. I actually felt spiritually fed (the first time I've felt that I've "gotten something" out of a mass in a long time).

I have finally finished reading The Power of Now. I have found a lot of truth in that book. Unfortunately, since it took so long for me to read, I want to read it again soon (and that's why I bought it), hopefully in a shorter span of time. The most immediate realization I have gained from the book is how much of my identity I invest in things that aren't me at all. The most obvious example of this is my identity on the internet. In the past few years, I've let my opinions be me, and those opinions become fossilized and personally idolized in this blog. My blog serves as a catharsis (so excuse me for expecting you to read my intellectual and emotional excrement), and that is good. But there is still an unhealthy element of pride, a feeling of there, I said it, in which I put those opinions out there and believe that people can get to know me through them. 1) I'd have to go into a lot more detail about my daily life in order for that to be anywhere near effective, should that be my goal, and 2) my opinions are just my ego talking, looking to push away enemys and better up myself. So I'd like to de-emphasize the role that opinions have in my life. The other, more recent addition to my internet identity is facebook. If you are unaware of what this digital/social phenomenon is, I'll attempt to describe it. First, if you know what MySpace is (which I don't expect to be true for most people who read this), it is basically like that, but exclusively for college students. But basically, you create a profile giving a basic rundown of your life- interests, taste in books, music, and movies, favorite quotes. And you link with friends. So it serves as a ditigal social network for you to connect with people or just learn more about them (at least superficially). And I have become addicted to it. There are a list of things I do whenever I first get on the computer: check email, check friends' blogs, (and now) check facebook to see how many "friends" I have. If that isn't pure ego acting on my behalf, I don't know what is.

Thankfully, this will be my last week of working at my current job. It has gotten better since I've been working with some people instead of others. Comments they make (regarding race, sex, orientation) still drive me up the wall, but I'm working on it. The other side of why I don't like my job at all is that it forces me to give up any attempt at being environmentally conscious (ie driving a car everywhere again). I was really looking forward to not driving at all when the summer started, but that was quickly pushed aside as I jumped at the opportunity to make money. So I now look forward to not driving once the school year starts (now that I'll be living where I attend classes). I don't really mind anymore that my vocabulary has been expanded. Yes, it is a bit of a bad habit, but I see it mainly as an issue of class. Or education. It's really just a matter of getting over myself because even if I don't intend to, I make myself feel superior by refraining from cussing. So I use it when appropriate. The thing is that they are words used in anger most of the time, so I hope to hardly ever use them, as I grow more and more peaceful.

My spiritual life is in a genuine upheaval. I will not take anything for granted. I will think through and accept every individual tenant before I own it. It's the only way I can be honest with myself and truly believe what I'm trying to believe. So I'm really starting from scratch. I know I'm not Roman Catholic (I'm very comfortable in that church because it is where I grew up, but beliefnet showed me I wasn't Catholic a long time ago). But now I am thinking through: am I christian? Do I even think organized religion is worthwhile? Is there a personal God? Sure, I've asked these questions before, but I've never been brave enough to really consider any alternatives. But now I am.

My relationship with Sara is very pleasant right now, but I know that will not necessarily be the case forever, so I want to correct things early in the relationship so that they are even healthier later. I think I am addicted to you right now, Sara. The challenge is to find better ways to love her each day, but I still need to be taking care of myself all the time as well. So I need balance.

There is plenty more I could talk about, but I need sleep. I already feel more peaceful. I told you this is cathartic.

Change

My life is in a state of flux. I just graduated from high school and am starting college. I have a month of working under my belt at my first job, a full time job in which I had very little previous experience. I also have a month of experience in the only serious relationship I've ever been in under my belt. I'm not even wearing a belt right now. That's impressive. And I also happen to have begun the rebuilding of my spiritual life recently. It's been slow in coming and in growing.

I am tired. I have exhausted my body (capitalist sell-out that I am), spirit, and soul. I need to rest and nurture myself. Think about things (I've kind of been giving my intellect a break for a while- so behind on my reading). One thing that I am often affronted with at work is my plans for a career. I'm having a hard time justifying to myself the need for a very expensive education when my plans for the future at this point are to tend my garden and love and serve people. I really need to look for a job that I can love in the meantime. It's great that I am rehabbing old houses, but it is such an unhealthy environment for me to be in. I am learning and adapting, and that is good. My vocabulary is most probably permanently altered, and I am now mostly used to a smoky environment- two things that aren't very good. I would like to do something with art or books or even fair-trade coffee. That would be nice. And Sara is wonderful. I am learning a lot about this kind of relationship, and learning it fairly quickly. It is a very healthy relationship, I think, and I look forward to it growing more deeply, slowly. And I definitely need to tend to the garden of my soul. It has been neglected, and the things that used to feed me spiritually (or maybe were force-fed) no longer do. So I am in the process of exploring where I am, where God is, and where I can meet God now. I am going to start reading again, and that will help. I plan to journal (personally) more, and that will be good. I plan to check out a catholic church (yes, small "c"- as in actual universality) that some of my friends have gone to. And the society o' friends. And even the episcopalians. I am glad that I have a foundation from which to spring, though.

Life is changing. Change can lead to a lot of growth. Change is good.