Alas, I am being cajoled into conformity, and I must fill out this form to appease my oppressors (just kidding).
Four jobs you've had in your life: washing the dishes (chore), taking out the trash (chore), construction laborer for a summer, federal work study with the Manresa (Catholic Studies) Program at Saint Louis University.
Four movies you could watch over and over: Star Wars original trilogy (that counts as one), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Patch Adams.
Four places you've lived (as opposed to merely visited, as in two questions hence): womb, St. Louis (on Russell street), St. Louis (a couple blocks away on Oregon street), St. Louis (on campus at Saint Louis University)
Four TV shows you love to watch: I'd be lying if I didn't say that there have been too many tv shows to count that I loved to watch growing up. (such as Boy meets World, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Full House) But now, I can't really claim one, as I have stopped watching that screen. If I had access to cable, I would love to watch The Daily Show, however.
Four places you've been on vacation: Tybee Island (GA), New England, Copan (Honduras), San Francisco (CA)
Four websites you visit daily: gmail, facebook, and various blogs (which will count for two) including the bone, Things I still don't know, and Ran Prieur.
Four of your favorite foods: fresh oranges, peas (all varieties), beans (all varieties), rice
Four places you'd rather be: Northwestern US, Europe (as a vagabond), Yoro Honduras, here now
I don't have four people to pass the baton to (who would want me linking their blogs here, anyway), so let's just say that if you're reading this and you have a blog that you are personally obligated to carry on this meme.
Friday, December 23
State of the Village report
This is what I'm talking about when I say that I am/we are much richer and more educated than the majority of the world. When is enough enough?
If the world were a village of 1000 people:
584 would be Asians
123 would be Africans
95 would be East and West Europeans
84 Latin Americans
55 Soviets (still including for the moment Lithuanians, Latvians, Estonians, etc.)
52 North Americans
6 Australians and New Zealanders
The people of the village would have considerable difficulty communicating:
165 people would speak Mandarin
86 would speak English
83 Hindi/Urdu
64 Spanish
58 Russian
37 Arabic
That list accounts for the mother-tongues of only half the villagers. The other half speak (in descending order of frequency) Bengali, Portuguese, Indonesian, Japanese, German, French, and 200 other languages.
In the village there would be:
300 Christians (183 Catholics, 84 Protestants, 33 Orthodox)
175 Moslems
128 Hindus
55 Buddhists
47 Animists
210 all other religions (including atheists)
One-third (330) of the people in the village would be children. Half the children would be immunized against the preventable infectious diseases such as measles and polio.
Sixty of the thousand villagers would be over the age of 65.
Just under half of the married women would have access to and be using modern contraceptives.
Each year 28 babies would be born.
Each year 10 people would die, three of them for lack of food, one from cancer. Two of the deaths would be to babies born within the year.
One person in the village would be infected with the HIV virus; that person would most likely not yet have developed a full-blown case of AIDS.
With the 28 births and 10 deaths, the population of the village in the next year would be 1018.
In this thousand-person community, 200 people would receive three-fourths of the income; another 200 would receive only 2% of the income.
The village would have 6 acres of land per person, 6000 acres in all of which:
700 acres is cropland
1400 acres pasture
1900 acres woodland
2000 acres desert, tundra, pavement, and other wasteland.
The woodland would be declining rapidly; the wasteland increasing; the other land categories would be roughly stable. The village would allocate 83 percent of its fertilizer to 40 percent of its cropland -- that owned by the richest and best-fed 270 people. Excess fertilizer running off this land would cause pollution in lakes and wells. The remaining 60 percent of the land, with its 17 percent of the fertilizer, would produce 28 percent of the foodgrain and feed 73 percent of the people. The average grain yield on that land would be one-third the yields gotten by the richer villagers.
If the world were a village of 1000 persons, there would be five soldiers, seven teachers, one doctor. Of the village's total annual expenditures of just over $3 million per year, $181,000 would go for weapons and warfare, $159,000 for education, $132,000 for health care.
The village would have buried beneath it enough explosive power in nuclear weapons to blow itself to smithereens many times over. These weapons would be under the control of just 100 of the people. The other 900 people would be watching them with deep anxiety, wondering whether the 100 can learn to get along together, and if they do, whether they might set off the weapons anyway through inattention or technical bungling, and if they ever decide to dismantle the weapons, where in the village they will dispose of the dangerous radioactive materials of which the weapons are made.
In this 1000-person community:
800 would have substandard housing.
670 adults live in the community, and half of them would be illiterate.
500 would suffer from malnutrition.
330 would not have access to clean, safe drinking water.
240 people would not have any electricity.
Of the 76 who have electricity, most would use it only for light at night.
In the village would be 420 radios, 240 televisions, 140 telephones, and 70 computers.
(some villagers own more than one of each)
70 people would own an automobile (some of them more than one).
50 people would possess 32% of the entire village's wealth, and these would all be from the USA.
The poorest one-third of the village would receive only 3% of the income of the village.
The following is also something to ponder...
If you woke up this morning healthy, you are more blessed than the million that will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the fear and lonliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pain of starvation, you are better off than 500 million people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are more comfortable than 75% of the people in this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you can read this, you are more blessed than two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, it becomes both evident and vital that education, acceptance, and compassion are essential for the progress of humankind.
(from here and here)
edit (a couple hours later): to answer the question I pose at the beginning- unfortunately for us and the rest of the world, never.
If the world were a village of 1000 people:
584 would be Asians
123 would be Africans
95 would be East and West Europeans
84 Latin Americans
55 Soviets (still including for the moment Lithuanians, Latvians, Estonians, etc.)
52 North Americans
6 Australians and New Zealanders
The people of the village would have considerable difficulty communicating:
165 people would speak Mandarin
86 would speak English
83 Hindi/Urdu
64 Spanish
58 Russian
37 Arabic
That list accounts for the mother-tongues of only half the villagers. The other half speak (in descending order of frequency) Bengali, Portuguese, Indonesian, Japanese, German, French, and 200 other languages.
In the village there would be:
300 Christians (183 Catholics, 84 Protestants, 33 Orthodox)
175 Moslems
128 Hindus
55 Buddhists
47 Animists
210 all other religions (including atheists)
One-third (330) of the people in the village would be children. Half the children would be immunized against the preventable infectious diseases such as measles and polio.
Sixty of the thousand villagers would be over the age of 65.
Just under half of the married women would have access to and be using modern contraceptives.
Each year 28 babies would be born.
Each year 10 people would die, three of them for lack of food, one from cancer. Two of the deaths would be to babies born within the year.
One person in the village would be infected with the HIV virus; that person would most likely not yet have developed a full-blown case of AIDS.
With the 28 births and 10 deaths, the population of the village in the next year would be 1018.
In this thousand-person community, 200 people would receive three-fourths of the income; another 200 would receive only 2% of the income.
The village would have 6 acres of land per person, 6000 acres in all of which:
700 acres is cropland
1400 acres pasture
1900 acres woodland
2000 acres desert, tundra, pavement, and other wasteland.
The woodland would be declining rapidly; the wasteland increasing; the other land categories would be roughly stable. The village would allocate 83 percent of its fertilizer to 40 percent of its cropland -- that owned by the richest and best-fed 270 people. Excess fertilizer running off this land would cause pollution in lakes and wells. The remaining 60 percent of the land, with its 17 percent of the fertilizer, would produce 28 percent of the foodgrain and feed 73 percent of the people. The average grain yield on that land would be one-third the yields gotten by the richer villagers.
If the world were a village of 1000 persons, there would be five soldiers, seven teachers, one doctor. Of the village's total annual expenditures of just over $3 million per year, $181,000 would go for weapons and warfare, $159,000 for education, $132,000 for health care.
The village would have buried beneath it enough explosive power in nuclear weapons to blow itself to smithereens many times over. These weapons would be under the control of just 100 of the people. The other 900 people would be watching them with deep anxiety, wondering whether the 100 can learn to get along together, and if they do, whether they might set off the weapons anyway through inattention or technical bungling, and if they ever decide to dismantle the weapons, where in the village they will dispose of the dangerous radioactive materials of which the weapons are made.
In this 1000-person community:
800 would have substandard housing.
670 adults live in the community, and half of them would be illiterate.
500 would suffer from malnutrition.
330 would not have access to clean, safe drinking water.
240 people would not have any electricity.
Of the 76 who have electricity, most would use it only for light at night.
In the village would be 420 radios, 240 televisions, 140 telephones, and 70 computers.
(some villagers own more than one of each)
70 people would own an automobile (some of them more than one).
50 people would possess 32% of the entire village's wealth, and these would all be from the USA.
The poorest one-third of the village would receive only 3% of the income of the village.
The following is also something to ponder...
If you woke up this morning healthy, you are more blessed than the million that will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the fear and lonliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pain of starvation, you are better off than 500 million people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are more comfortable than 75% of the people in this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you can read this, you are more blessed than two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, it becomes both evident and vital that education, acceptance, and compassion are essential for the progress of humankind.
(from here and here)
edit (a couple hours later): to answer the question I pose at the beginning- unfortunately for us and the rest of the world, never.
quotes
These are all of the quotes I have on my facebook profile. I've collected them from various places- mostly other people's profiles. That said, some don't have sources, and some are probably attributed incorrectly, so I apologize in advance. I'll comment on some of them:
"the essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love, passion."
-nadia boulanger
"life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself."
-george bernard shaw
"don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask what makes you come alive. the world needs people who are alive."
"do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- ralph waldo emerson
"all human evil comes from this: man's inability to sit still in a room."
-pascal (although man seems rather adept to sitting still in a room that has a tv)
"i stand in awe of my body."
-thoreau
"the least of learning is done in the classrooms."
-thomas merton (quite similar to mark twain's "i try to not let my schooling get in the way of my education." I like it)
talk is cheap... it's the way we organize and use our lives every day that tells what we believe in.
- cesar chavez (this quote daily challenges me and humbles me, helping me to realize that I must still believe that I'm getting something out of college that is more worthwhile than what I'd be getting in the real world somehow)
"during times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
-george orwell
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we were born to manifest the glory of god within us. it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-nelson mandela ("saving the world" is an individual act, it is 6 billion individual acts. take responsibility for the part you play, because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people need you)
"the various philosophers have only interpeted the world in different ways. the point, however, is to change it." (yessssssss. philosophy class this semester was complete bullshit. kind of the same idea is chavez. stop talking, start acting, that kind of thing.)
"moderacy in temper is always a virtue. moderacy in principle is always a vice." (this is directed to all moderates and other fencesitters out there who think the high road is the middle road. you can't be on a road when you're sitting on the fence. get off your fence and stand up for what you believe in. stop compromising. you of all people should be able to see that neither party is giving you what we need, so start taking it for yourself)
"those who do not move do not notice their chains." (this is why i like to remain sober and not-rich)
"emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind." -bob marley (ya mon)
"when i feed the hungry they call me a hero but when i ask why they are hungry they call me a communist." ~dorothy day (i've seen this attributed to someone else, but i don't remember who)
"we cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." -mother teresa
"live simply so that others can simply live" ~gandhi (this is of course refering to materialistic simplicity. i don't really want to lead a simple life in any other way. that would be boring)
"we don't stop playing because we grow old; we
grow old because we stop playing." -george bernard shaw (snowball fight!)
"only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." -robert f. kennedy (this is the quote i attempted to use a while ago)
"it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like . . . it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst, and then i remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and it flows through me like rain and i can feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life. you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure, but don't worry. you will someday." -lester, american beauty (i like to read this quote when i get stressed out. it is very soothing. i should go back and read power of now again. i think meister eckhart would approve of this quote).
________________
I've often momentarily been inspired to expand greatly upon one of these quotes, but I fail to get to writing whatever I am thinking quickly enough. So I may refer back to one of these quotes in the future. For now, I just wanted to share them with you.
"the essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love, passion."
-nadia boulanger
"life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself."
-george bernard shaw
"don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask what makes you come alive. the world needs people who are alive."
"do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- ralph waldo emerson
"all human evil comes from this: man's inability to sit still in a room."
-pascal (although man seems rather adept to sitting still in a room that has a tv)
"i stand in awe of my body."
-thoreau
"the least of learning is done in the classrooms."
-thomas merton (quite similar to mark twain's "i try to not let my schooling get in the way of my education." I like it)
talk is cheap... it's the way we organize and use our lives every day that tells what we believe in.
- cesar chavez (this quote daily challenges me and humbles me, helping me to realize that I must still believe that I'm getting something out of college that is more worthwhile than what I'd be getting in the real world somehow)
"during times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
-george orwell
"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of god. your playing small doesn't serve the world. there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we were born to manifest the glory of god within us. it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."-nelson mandela ("saving the world" is an individual act, it is 6 billion individual acts. take responsibility for the part you play, because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people need you)
"the various philosophers have only interpeted the world in different ways. the point, however, is to change it." (yessssssss. philosophy class this semester was complete bullshit. kind of the same idea is chavez. stop talking, start acting, that kind of thing.)
"moderacy in temper is always a virtue. moderacy in principle is always a vice." (this is directed to all moderates and other fencesitters out there who think the high road is the middle road. you can't be on a road when you're sitting on the fence. get off your fence and stand up for what you believe in. stop compromising. you of all people should be able to see that neither party is giving you what we need, so start taking it for yourself)
"those who do not move do not notice their chains." (this is why i like to remain sober and not-rich)
"emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind." -bob marley (ya mon)
"when i feed the hungry they call me a hero but when i ask why they are hungry they call me a communist." ~dorothy day (i've seen this attributed to someone else, but i don't remember who)
"we cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." -mother teresa
"live simply so that others can simply live" ~gandhi (this is of course refering to materialistic simplicity. i don't really want to lead a simple life in any other way. that would be boring)
"we don't stop playing because we grow old; we
grow old because we stop playing." -george bernard shaw (snowball fight!)
"only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." -robert f. kennedy (this is the quote i attempted to use a while ago)
"it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like . . . it's too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst, and then i remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it and it flows through me like rain and i can feel nothing but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life. you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure, but don't worry. you will someday." -lester, american beauty (i like to read this quote when i get stressed out. it is very soothing. i should go back and read power of now again. i think meister eckhart would approve of this quote).
________________
I've often momentarily been inspired to expand greatly upon one of these quotes, but I fail to get to writing whatever I am thinking quickly enough. So I may refer back to one of these quotes in the future. For now, I just wanted to share them with you.
Beyond Civilization
Since my last post, I have read two more books by Daniel Quinn (can you tell that I'm out of school?), My Ishmael and Beyond Civilization. I've actually reached the bottom of that stack of books (with another to take its place, of course). My Ishmael, the sequel to Ishmael, was largely redundant, it seemed, except that it gave a happy ending for the plot line, and it also went into the actual purpose of school. Beyond Civilization attempted to give concrete answers as to where to go from the theory Quinn presents. It really ends up being a really good non-answer. Our civilization is based on the belief that there is only one right way to live, and this is it (it just doesn't work because we are all flawed and need to be improved somehow before it'll work perfectly, as it's designed to). His response or answer or non-answer is that there is no one right way for people to live. It is the very fact that everyone is living the same way now, as opposed to a diversity of ways, that makes what we are doing unsustainable, forcing ourselves into one big unnatural niche in the environment instead of the millions of niches available (and sustainable) in each person's particular location (local, not global). So he proposes one way that evolution has shown to be effective in the past (just 10,000 years ago, having been developed over the 3 millions years we've been on this earth), and that way is the tribe. It is a way that accepts people as they are, acceeding to their imperfections. The old tribes he is looking to as models were ethnic closed tribes, whose existence focused around cooperating to make a living through a diversity of ways (foraging, hunting, various levels of agriculture and shepherding). He proposes open tribes in which people work together and are interdependent on each other to make a living. This is not a commune, in which people simply live together. It is a paradigm shift from hierarchy to balance and equality. His vision challenged me in two ways. First, he dispelled the notion of seeking voluntary poverty, because people cannot be inspired by a vision of the future in which they are giving up something, as opposed to gaining something. What people would gain by embracing a tribal lifestyle is security for life. There is, of course, still a trade off of letting go of materialistic comforts to some degree, but that is not the focus; it's not the goal. The goal is acheiving security (quite selfishly, but still in a way that benefits the whole tribe). The second way he challenges me with this vision is that he does not move to resist or actively change the larger hierarchical systems but to still work within them, just in a radically different way. So he is calling me to market my skills for the benefit of the tribe. (my problem has always been "what skills?! and where could i possibly employ them?"). I can definitely accept his point of view on the first issue, but not completely on the second. I still feel that we have a responsibility to struggle against the institutions in place, if only to breed more resistance. Other than that, I really like his ideas, or his challenge to be inventive and generate ideas, rather. Although there is still always the challenge of finding tribe members.
Friday, December 16
Derrick Jensen
An author I have yet to mention in my blog is Derrick Jensen. I have read two of his books, The Culture of Make-Believe, and A Language Older than Words. I will not attempt to summarize them. It would be impossible to do so because the books do not progress linearly; there is no simple way to describe what the books are about. I have attempted to do so when telling individual people what I am reading, but that serves them a great injustice. I guess I could at least share what I've said in those instances here. The Culture of Make-Believe explores racism and sexism, or more broadly, hate, and attempts to discover why people hate. The book I just finished (which actually was published before Culture) explores our perception of the world as being silent and the consequences that has regarding how we relate (or fail to relate) to the world. The hard part about reading good books is to realize that I should never believe anything I read, that I can't learn from it until I've experienced what it was trying to show me firsthand.
I have changed, and I have been changed. There is no going back. That is, if I were to ever somehow convert "back" to Christianity, I would be a very different Christian than I ever was. I don't really see that happening though. (So yes, Uncle Dan, in response to your comment, I have concluded that Christianity is false. And I don't say that claiming to know what is True, either. I obviously have only reached a point where I know how I don't want to live, not how I want to live. But that is part of the journey and process of life. It's that process that is constantly interrupted by things like class and homework. I don't mean to complain. I mean to acknowledge so that I can understand where I go with the process from here.) In many ways, this blog has had as its central focus my search for God in my life. It started with the third post I made, and permeated many posts since. In some ways, that stage is over, and in other ways, that search is beginning to manifest itself in a different way that may be hard for some people to understand- how can a search for God continue if I'm saying I don't believe in a God? How can I determine and judge the wrong ways to live my life without having a standard like God to base that judgement from? That's the logical conclusion, right?
I've been taught in my theology classes that a partial provision of evidence of God's existence is the fact that we question and that we fear death. Our questions lead to a never ending search for some ultimate Truth, and if that Truth doen't exist, our lives would be a futile exercise in frustration. We fear death, knowing somehow that it is not right that we should die, that our souls must be immortal. Of course, some Christians are successful in convincing themselves not to fear death because they are absolutely secure in the knowledge of their own salvation. Otherwise, this fear of death manifests an insecurity that should be warded off by stated faith. At any rate, each of these perspectives are ways in which humans pridefully elevate themselves above the rest of the world, the world they assume is theirs to dominate and destroy as they please. The elevation of humanity is an act of isolation. We have become disconnected from the community we were all born into. I'm not talking about the limited, and admittedly quite broken community of humans; the same way Christians perceive their lives to be sustained by the love of God is the way in which our existence is entirely dependent upon the living community which physically surrounds us and which provides us with sustinence, both physical and spiritual. We are dependent upon the ecosystems we are destroying in the same way Christians believe they are dependent upon the God they killed. I'm not sure why I am drawing these parallels, but I see them. Perhaps, with the years of religious education I have received, I can't help but be deeply informed about how the Christian religion explains everything so tidily, but the faith that blindly accompanied that accumulating education fell away very quickly as I was exposed to the ways in which the Christian mythology justifies de facto such life-destroying practices as "subduing" the world to humanity's selfish purposes. I have studied the Catholic Church's social justice teaching, but the fatal error we make is in creating and supporting the hierarchy of dignity in God's Creation. Naming humanity as above the rest of the world and as chosen by God gives humanity the license to carry out all of the destructive realities we are surrounded by: war, rape, racism, ecocide, famine. Speaking of famine, this attitude is clearly demonstrated with the fulfillment of the Catholic mission to "increase and multiply." This is ignorance and arrogance to assume that the the population of humans should be allowed to expand indefinitely, and indeed, exponentially, at the expense of every other species on earth. And so we have famine in Africa and throughout the world. And that's not to say its because of a lack of food. We certainly have created a surplus of food, quite unnaturally (talk about playing God). And as any biology teacher could show you, surpluses of food for a population always lead to expansion in population size to meet the amount of food available (waste not, want not). And if the amount of available food decreases, so too does population size. All of the problems we are futilely trying to solve through social programs, treating only the symtoms, not the causes (poverty, hunger, war, etc.) stem from the fundamental problem that we have arrogantly assumed control over our source of food (agricultural revolution) in order to remove ourselves from dependence on the rest of the community, and causing increasing harm to the community as a result.
Dammit, I went off and started summarizing. That would have to be one long post. I'll try to keep my reflecting personal and local instead of theoretical and abstract (i.e. far away, like my notion of God always was). Well, let's see. The semester is quickly coming to a close. I will be returning to school next January where I shall daily take up the struggle to make what I am being taught (notice the passive) important, relevant, or otherwise applicable to me. I am getting involved with the local chapter of Food not Bombs, which is getting started again after lack of a wide enough interest. I might go dumpster diving tomorrow for the first time (for the hell of it (actually, I only have $3.13 in flex points to use for oncampus dining, so it may save me from having to buy groceries to sustain myself for the next three days)). I'm going to celebrate my friend, Nathan's birthday tomorrow night. I am trying to immerse myself in the struggle of making (and not buying) gifts for people this Christmas season. I am not proud to say that I would be very grateful to receive a pair of boots that fit this season, for riding my bike in tennis shoes in 15 degree weather is not good for blood flowing in my toes. Sara will be leaving shortly after the new year begins to study abroad in Belgium, an event I certainly have mixed feelings about. Although, distance affords each of us the freedom to focus more fully on developing parts of our lives that we may be distracted from now (every decision and action has both a benefit and a cost). I am somewhat looking forward to the courses I will be taking next semester: a writing course, a 300 level course in urban crisis, intro to women's studies (feminism is not man-hating. that would be sexism), a hopefully easy biology course called diversity of life (I am hopeful that I will be learning the complexity of interrelationships in different ecosystems), and finally intro to anthropology. I certainly have an interest in anthropology, but probably not in the way it will be taught (with the use of such labels as "prehistory"). We'll see. That is all for now, as I am tired and have much to do tomorrow (like begin another book by Daniel Quinn).
I have changed, and I have been changed. There is no going back. That is, if I were to ever somehow convert "back" to Christianity, I would be a very different Christian than I ever was. I don't really see that happening though. (So yes, Uncle Dan, in response to your comment, I have concluded that Christianity is false. And I don't say that claiming to know what is True, either. I obviously have only reached a point where I know how I don't want to live, not how I want to live. But that is part of the journey and process of life. It's that process that is constantly interrupted by things like class and homework. I don't mean to complain. I mean to acknowledge so that I can understand where I go with the process from here.) In many ways, this blog has had as its central focus my search for God in my life. It started with the third post I made, and permeated many posts since. In some ways, that stage is over, and in other ways, that search is beginning to manifest itself in a different way that may be hard for some people to understand- how can a search for God continue if I'm saying I don't believe in a God? How can I determine and judge the wrong ways to live my life without having a standard like God to base that judgement from? That's the logical conclusion, right?
I've been taught in my theology classes that a partial provision of evidence of God's existence is the fact that we question and that we fear death. Our questions lead to a never ending search for some ultimate Truth, and if that Truth doen't exist, our lives would be a futile exercise in frustration. We fear death, knowing somehow that it is not right that we should die, that our souls must be immortal. Of course, some Christians are successful in convincing themselves not to fear death because they are absolutely secure in the knowledge of their own salvation. Otherwise, this fear of death manifests an insecurity that should be warded off by stated faith. At any rate, each of these perspectives are ways in which humans pridefully elevate themselves above the rest of the world, the world they assume is theirs to dominate and destroy as they please. The elevation of humanity is an act of isolation. We have become disconnected from the community we were all born into. I'm not talking about the limited, and admittedly quite broken community of humans; the same way Christians perceive their lives to be sustained by the love of God is the way in which our existence is entirely dependent upon the living community which physically surrounds us and which provides us with sustinence, both physical and spiritual. We are dependent upon the ecosystems we are destroying in the same way Christians believe they are dependent upon the God they killed. I'm not sure why I am drawing these parallels, but I see them. Perhaps, with the years of religious education I have received, I can't help but be deeply informed about how the Christian religion explains everything so tidily, but the faith that blindly accompanied that accumulating education fell away very quickly as I was exposed to the ways in which the Christian mythology justifies de facto such life-destroying practices as "subduing" the world to humanity's selfish purposes. I have studied the Catholic Church's social justice teaching, but the fatal error we make is in creating and supporting the hierarchy of dignity in God's Creation. Naming humanity as above the rest of the world and as chosen by God gives humanity the license to carry out all of the destructive realities we are surrounded by: war, rape, racism, ecocide, famine. Speaking of famine, this attitude is clearly demonstrated with the fulfillment of the Catholic mission to "increase and multiply." This is ignorance and arrogance to assume that the the population of humans should be allowed to expand indefinitely, and indeed, exponentially, at the expense of every other species on earth. And so we have famine in Africa and throughout the world. And that's not to say its because of a lack of food. We certainly have created a surplus of food, quite unnaturally (talk about playing God). And as any biology teacher could show you, surpluses of food for a population always lead to expansion in population size to meet the amount of food available (waste not, want not). And if the amount of available food decreases, so too does population size. All of the problems we are futilely trying to solve through social programs, treating only the symtoms, not the causes (poverty, hunger, war, etc.) stem from the fundamental problem that we have arrogantly assumed control over our source of food (agricultural revolution) in order to remove ourselves from dependence on the rest of the community, and causing increasing harm to the community as a result.
Dammit, I went off and started summarizing. That would have to be one long post. I'll try to keep my reflecting personal and local instead of theoretical and abstract (i.e. far away, like my notion of God always was). Well, let's see. The semester is quickly coming to a close. I will be returning to school next January where I shall daily take up the struggle to make what I am being taught (notice the passive) important, relevant, or otherwise applicable to me. I am getting involved with the local chapter of Food not Bombs, which is getting started again after lack of a wide enough interest. I might go dumpster diving tomorrow for the first time (for the hell of it (actually, I only have $3.13 in flex points to use for oncampus dining, so it may save me from having to buy groceries to sustain myself for the next three days)). I'm going to celebrate my friend, Nathan's birthday tomorrow night. I am trying to immerse myself in the struggle of making (and not buying) gifts for people this Christmas season. I am not proud to say that I would be very grateful to receive a pair of boots that fit this season, for riding my bike in tennis shoes in 15 degree weather is not good for blood flowing in my toes. Sara will be leaving shortly after the new year begins to study abroad in Belgium, an event I certainly have mixed feelings about. Although, distance affords each of us the freedom to focus more fully on developing parts of our lives that we may be distracted from now (every decision and action has both a benefit and a cost). I am somewhat looking forward to the courses I will be taking next semester: a writing course, a 300 level course in urban crisis, intro to women's studies (feminism is not man-hating. that would be sexism), a hopefully easy biology course called diversity of life (I am hopeful that I will be learning the complexity of interrelationships in different ecosystems), and finally intro to anthropology. I certainly have an interest in anthropology, but probably not in the way it will be taught (with the use of such labels as "prehistory"). We'll see. That is all for now, as I am tired and have much to do tomorrow (like begin another book by Daniel Quinn).
Tuesday, November 15
The Story of B
Last night as I forced myself to go to bed because I knew I had class in the morning, I was disturbed by the clock at my bedside. I have a clock by my bed in order to wake me up in time for class. While it is a brand new clock, it works in the same way as older clocks: it makes a ticking sound constantly (this is what disturbed me last night. I can still hear it as a part of the background noise that I never pay attention to even now- along with the hum of the refrigerator and the soft grinding sound going on inside my laptop and a sound I can't identify that may be related to the air conditioning of the dorm) and its alarm functions mechanically- by a hammer banging in to two bells very rapidly (and obnoxiously).
There is a poem by Pedro Arrupe that I'd like to share-
There is a poem by Pedro Arrupe that I'd like to share-
Nothing is more practical than
finding God, that is, than
falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what siezes your imagination,
will affect everything. It will decide
what will get you out of bed
in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with
joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
What I love should be what gets me out of bed in the morning, but it hit me this morning that I do not love being forced to wake up at a certain time to go listen to someone talk at me about things I'm not even awake enough to care about. Of course this isn't the first time this has hit me; it was just rather poignant this morning. Waking up to the terror of an alarming sound is no way to start a day, but it is the only way to rip me out of my natural sleeping cycle. Perhaps it's not such a good thing to be ripped out of my natural sleeping cycle.
I just read The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. It is the sequel to Ishmael (there is also a third in the series, which I will read soon). In it, a priest is sent to spy on the possible antichrist, B. *Partial Spoiler Warning* B does turn out to be the antichrist- not only the antichrist, but the antibuddha, the antimuhammad, and the antithesis of any other person who attempted to lead people to salvation. People seek such salvation because of the suffering caused by our culture- poverty, hunger, isolation. Notice I did not say that this suffering is present because all of humanity has fallen, only our culture. Our culture, as I am using the word, spans most of the world and is composed of people who believe that the earth belongs to us (our culture) and that we may use it however we want. In effect, this most fundamentally plays out in our method of agriculture, in which everything that is our food is preserved and proliferated and everything that does not directly feed us, or that which threatens our food in any way, is destroyed as completely as possible. This way of living eventually leads to its own downfall because it is an unstable way to live, and evolutionarily speaking, unstable methods pass away and stable ones persist. It has taken a long time (relative to our perspective) for the signs of our culture breaking down to surface, but surface they certainly have. Humans did not always live this way, and they don't need to. Salvation from this world is not needed. What is needed is the abandonment of our culture. Humans didn't always have to be woken up by obnoxious and startling bells; humans used to be thrilled about their life in this world, here and now. And that is why B is the antichrist- B tells us we don't need salvation, and that is blasphemous. It is also true.
The priest in the story describes the possession of faith being in one degree, but the losing of faith being in fifty degrees. That is, there is one degree in which you have absolute faith, but there a gradual process of one's faith being chipped away over time. Eventually, though, it is possible to reach the fiftieth degree, at which point, all of your faith is gone. I'm not sure where I am at, but my guess is somewhere in the forties. The faith I am losing is the faith in the need for a salvation and a salvific God. This is a faith that sets us apart as being above and in possession of the rest of Nature and also serves as an escape from this world, directing us away from the present. We are a part of Nature- we are Nature- it is not possible for us to get away from Nature, and it is unnecessary to get closer to Nature. To paraphrase the book (all of this is a paraphrase of the book, by the way), we are just as "close" to Nature when we are in a movie theater as when we are in the middle of a forest. It cannot be escaped. To fight against Nature is to fight against ourselves, and to be in communion with Nature is nothing more than to be human. I don't mean this in any idealistic or hippie "back to the land" sort of communion. We are dependent on nature for our existence. It is our source of food. We could not be without food. And we will one day return the favor by becoming food ourselves. That's how things work. But as humans, we have the benefit of being able to see that that is how things work, and through that, we can experience the world as a spiritual place. This is the one religion every culture outside our own shares- animism. Sorry, that was a really quick summary, and I'm sure I did not express what I was trying to say very well. But, hey, maybe that just means you have to read the book yourself (it is an enjoyable read).
finding God, that is, than
falling in love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what siezes your imagination,
will affect everything. It will decide
what will get you out of bed
in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with
joy and gratitude.
Fall in love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.
What I love should be what gets me out of bed in the morning, but it hit me this morning that I do not love being forced to wake up at a certain time to go listen to someone talk at me about things I'm not even awake enough to care about. Of course this isn't the first time this has hit me; it was just rather poignant this morning. Waking up to the terror of an alarming sound is no way to start a day, but it is the only way to rip me out of my natural sleeping cycle. Perhaps it's not such a good thing to be ripped out of my natural sleeping cycle.
I just read The Story of B by Daniel Quinn. It is the sequel to Ishmael (there is also a third in the series, which I will read soon). In it, a priest is sent to spy on the possible antichrist, B. *Partial Spoiler Warning* B does turn out to be the antichrist- not only the antichrist, but the antibuddha, the antimuhammad, and the antithesis of any other person who attempted to lead people to salvation. People seek such salvation because of the suffering caused by our culture- poverty, hunger, isolation. Notice I did not say that this suffering is present because all of humanity has fallen, only our culture. Our culture, as I am using the word, spans most of the world and is composed of people who believe that the earth belongs to us (our culture) and that we may use it however we want. In effect, this most fundamentally plays out in our method of agriculture, in which everything that is our food is preserved and proliferated and everything that does not directly feed us, or that which threatens our food in any way, is destroyed as completely as possible. This way of living eventually leads to its own downfall because it is an unstable way to live, and evolutionarily speaking, unstable methods pass away and stable ones persist. It has taken a long time (relative to our perspective) for the signs of our culture breaking down to surface, but surface they certainly have. Humans did not always live this way, and they don't need to. Salvation from this world is not needed. What is needed is the abandonment of our culture. Humans didn't always have to be woken up by obnoxious and startling bells; humans used to be thrilled about their life in this world, here and now. And that is why B is the antichrist- B tells us we don't need salvation, and that is blasphemous. It is also true.
The priest in the story describes the possession of faith being in one degree, but the losing of faith being in fifty degrees. That is, there is one degree in which you have absolute faith, but there a gradual process of one's faith being chipped away over time. Eventually, though, it is possible to reach the fiftieth degree, at which point, all of your faith is gone. I'm not sure where I am at, but my guess is somewhere in the forties. The faith I am losing is the faith in the need for a salvation and a salvific God. This is a faith that sets us apart as being above and in possession of the rest of Nature and also serves as an escape from this world, directing us away from the present. We are a part of Nature- we are Nature- it is not possible for us to get away from Nature, and it is unnecessary to get closer to Nature. To paraphrase the book (all of this is a paraphrase of the book, by the way), we are just as "close" to Nature when we are in a movie theater as when we are in the middle of a forest. It cannot be escaped. To fight against Nature is to fight against ourselves, and to be in communion with Nature is nothing more than to be human. I don't mean this in any idealistic or hippie "back to the land" sort of communion. We are dependent on nature for our existence. It is our source of food. We could not be without food. And we will one day return the favor by becoming food ourselves. That's how things work. But as humans, we have the benefit of being able to see that that is how things work, and through that, we can experience the world as a spiritual place. This is the one religion every culture outside our own shares- animism. Sorry, that was a really quick summary, and I'm sure I did not express what I was trying to say very well. But, hey, maybe that just means you have to read the book yourself (it is an enjoyable read).
The way of life I see forming before me as ideal is a sort of tribalism in which the tribe is largely self-sufficient. Of course, there is a fundamental difficulty in jumpstarting a tribe in our culture- locating potential tribe members. I have the rather lofty goal of removing myself completely from use of money, but I do know that this will be a gradual process of dropping out, and the important thing is to minimize reliance on the system. A former classmate of mine, Mario, questioned my goals a while ago, saying that I'd just become part of the problem (that I'd burden the rest of society with my choice of monetary poverty), but it is certainly not my intent to burden society. I wish to have zero effect on the health of society- there is enough stress already; it's already going to crumble regardless of what I burden it with. With that foreknowledge in mind, my intent is to remove myself from the processes that are at odds with the health (the rapidly declining health, I might add) of the earth and hopefully share with more people a vision for how things could work after our culture completes its fall. That vision is still in its infancy, in my mind at least, but it is growing in fullness with every passing day.
Tuesday, November 8
Ran Prieur
The books I am going to read to explore the issue of violence are lower on my pile of books to read, so I've not progressed at all in my thinking in this area...until I read this essay. I'm still digesting it, so that's all I'll say for now.
Sunday, October 30
yep, I definitely still don't know
It has been over a month since I last blogged. I've kind of been riding the thought-waves of the previous two posts. I've gotten some feedback (in person) from several very important and influential people in my life, and I'm definitely continually getting more and more confused. So as always, I'm going to try to straighten some of this shit out (how's that for a thesis).
My good friend and former seventh grade teacher, Tracey, offered the theory that I never rebelled from authority as a child or teenager, so this is a rather late manifestation of the need to rebel- a rite of passage, if you will. I can definitely see that. Although, I would like to move from reacting to my surroundings (through rebellion) to interacting with my surroundings by creating the context in which I act instead of being shaped by the situation. I don't want to go through my life doing things just because that's the way everyone else is doing it, especially when the way it is being done now does not work.
I am so tired whenever I think about my future because I feel trapped and and lethargic. Let me explain those feelings. With talking with my mom, she basically reached the conclusion that college is so worthwhile (even considering the exorbitant financial cost) that it is still a place at which I should feel worthy of being even if I don't take any sort of convential job (in which I would make money) afterwards. This was comforting for me to hear, but possibly in a bad way. It's the kind of comforting that allows me to become passive. My mom was suggesting that, because I want to learn, college is the best place to do that. The learning is guided and intensive and I have my peers to learn with and from, expanding my horizons at the same time. It's so easy to learn in college. And that is the problem. When things are easily accessible, they loose their value- not their inherent value, but their perceived value, I guess. And it's generally a rule of human nature that we don't work as hard towards less valuable things. Yes, I can consciously choose to be proactive about my education while in college, but it is so easy to be lulled into a routine of simply doing the work to earn the grades. That is, historically, the mode in which I have worked throughout my education. And yes, it does work, but it can't be nearly as beneficial as an education I have worked to gain for myself, learning what I need or want to learn and applying it right away. Most of my education is so abstract that I don't see its usefulness to me (not that I should only learn things that are useful). I have definitely learned something this first half of my first semester of college, but at this level, most of it seems so extraneous. Until I talked with my mom, I was constantly mulling over, considering, worrying, and thinking about my future because it was unknown what my future held beyond december. But as soon as I felt comfortable going along with college, I could feel my mind turn off from planning what I can do next- four years is plenty of time to think. I am a procrastinator. I do not do work until I can feel the squeeze between the rock solid now and the hard place that is deadline. Even if college is worthwhile, I still will always take issue with the fact that it is an education gained through consumption, or more directly put, that I am consuming an education. That is not in line with a core belief of mine, which can be summed up when necessary as voluntary poverty (or simplicity). By chance, I have been put into a loving family that happens to live in the richest, most powerful country in the world. None of that was earned or acheived by me. I do not deserve it. My mom suggests I consider the opportunity to receive a college education as gift, but it is a gift I am compelled to refuse because it is not a gift given to all. I don't propose to have everyone get an equal ration of education somehow as in communism, but I also can't go about my daily life consuming so much, profiting off of unjust institutions so much when the majority of the people of the world and basically all of what is left of the biosphere is put at such a disadvantage because of it. It is a paradox with which I cannot live to both wish to work towards greater justice in the world and to be a willing (if passive) member of the systems that cause the injustice. For my work study, I get paid minimum wage ($5.15 per hour) to do basically nothing while women in Bangladesh get paid 3 cents an hour to work for 12 or more hours straight, doing a repeated task under threat of violence or being fired if they don't work fast enough. This is allowed to happen because the fundamental and supreme value in any "developed" country is profit, no matter who or what gets hurt in its pursuit. And I cannot see how a liberal arts education is aiding me in fighting against this supreme value. My mom concluded her arguments in favor of college by reminding me to judge whether something I am doing is worthwhile or not by judging if it is life-giving. I'm having a hard time seeing how life is being given in college. But for now, I will give it another semester, mostly because I still have no clue how I can support myself- no concrete plans, only talk and theories at this point. I hate making idle threats, and it's not easy leading a life in continual conflict over my current status. I suppose I need to start small- take back my life in little ways every day. I'll end this post, for now, with a poem by Hank.
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank
submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the
darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you
chances.
know them, take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death
in life,
sometimes.
and the more often you
learn to do it,
the more light ther will
be.
you life is your life.
know it while you have
it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in
you.
My good friend and former seventh grade teacher, Tracey, offered the theory that I never rebelled from authority as a child or teenager, so this is a rather late manifestation of the need to rebel- a rite of passage, if you will. I can definitely see that. Although, I would like to move from reacting to my surroundings (through rebellion) to interacting with my surroundings by creating the context in which I act instead of being shaped by the situation. I don't want to go through my life doing things just because that's the way everyone else is doing it, especially when the way it is being done now does not work.
I am so tired whenever I think about my future because I feel trapped and and lethargic. Let me explain those feelings. With talking with my mom, she basically reached the conclusion that college is so worthwhile (even considering the exorbitant financial cost) that it is still a place at which I should feel worthy of being even if I don't take any sort of convential job (in which I would make money) afterwards. This was comforting for me to hear, but possibly in a bad way. It's the kind of comforting that allows me to become passive. My mom was suggesting that, because I want to learn, college is the best place to do that. The learning is guided and intensive and I have my peers to learn with and from, expanding my horizons at the same time. It's so easy to learn in college. And that is the problem. When things are easily accessible, they loose their value- not their inherent value, but their perceived value, I guess. And it's generally a rule of human nature that we don't work as hard towards less valuable things. Yes, I can consciously choose to be proactive about my education while in college, but it is so easy to be lulled into a routine of simply doing the work to earn the grades. That is, historically, the mode in which I have worked throughout my education. And yes, it does work, but it can't be nearly as beneficial as an education I have worked to gain for myself, learning what I need or want to learn and applying it right away. Most of my education is so abstract that I don't see its usefulness to me (not that I should only learn things that are useful). I have definitely learned something this first half of my first semester of college, but at this level, most of it seems so extraneous. Until I talked with my mom, I was constantly mulling over, considering, worrying, and thinking about my future because it was unknown what my future held beyond december. But as soon as I felt comfortable going along with college, I could feel my mind turn off from planning what I can do next- four years is plenty of time to think. I am a procrastinator. I do not do work until I can feel the squeeze between the rock solid now and the hard place that is deadline. Even if college is worthwhile, I still will always take issue with the fact that it is an education gained through consumption, or more directly put, that I am consuming an education. That is not in line with a core belief of mine, which can be summed up when necessary as voluntary poverty (or simplicity). By chance, I have been put into a loving family that happens to live in the richest, most powerful country in the world. None of that was earned or acheived by me. I do not deserve it. My mom suggests I consider the opportunity to receive a college education as gift, but it is a gift I am compelled to refuse because it is not a gift given to all. I don't propose to have everyone get an equal ration of education somehow as in communism, but I also can't go about my daily life consuming so much, profiting off of unjust institutions so much when the majority of the people of the world and basically all of what is left of the biosphere is put at such a disadvantage because of it. It is a paradox with which I cannot live to both wish to work towards greater justice in the world and to be a willing (if passive) member of the systems that cause the injustice. For my work study, I get paid minimum wage ($5.15 per hour) to do basically nothing while women in Bangladesh get paid 3 cents an hour to work for 12 or more hours straight, doing a repeated task under threat of violence or being fired if they don't work fast enough. This is allowed to happen because the fundamental and supreme value in any "developed" country is profit, no matter who or what gets hurt in its pursuit. And I cannot see how a liberal arts education is aiding me in fighting against this supreme value. My mom concluded her arguments in favor of college by reminding me to judge whether something I am doing is worthwhile or not by judging if it is life-giving. I'm having a hard time seeing how life is being given in college. But for now, I will give it another semester, mostly because I still have no clue how I can support myself- no concrete plans, only talk and theories at this point. I hate making idle threats, and it's not easy leading a life in continual conflict over my current status. I suppose I need to start small- take back my life in little ways every day. I'll end this post, for now, with a poem by Hank.
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank
submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the
darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you
chances.
know them, take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death
in life,
sometimes.
and the more often you
learn to do it,
the more light ther will
be.
you life is your life.
know it while you have
it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in
you.
Wednesday, September 28
God, religion, duty...how about I just live?
"There are persons I know whose spiritual eros or energy is not nourished or directed by any church or organized religion, but whose integrity, commitment to justice, and concern for the needs of their fellow human beings all bespeak a depth appropriately described as spiritual. Ignatian humanism….argues for a God at work in the lives of people even when they give up on religion or the notion of God." (Introduction XVIII)
Modras, Ronald. Ignatian Humanism: A Dynamic Spirituality for the 21st Century. Chicago: Loyola Press, 2004.
Just because I am not able to see or directly acknowledge God's presence in my life right now doesn't mean God can't still be there. If anything, those that love me and would want me to find God can rest assured that by being honest about where I am now, I can only be increasing the potential and the probability that God's grace will find me. Here's what I believe (And I don't necessarily have evidence for what I believe. I may contradict what I have said earlier. That's okay. I just need to honestly state where I am and accept that for what it is before I can move on): There is more to a human than the body, there is more to the natural world than evolution. The world is filled with mystery, and that mystery is an expression of a realm beyond the physical, beyond the natural. This spiritual element is in everything. Through my connection to the spirit, my relationship to the world is to be that of love. To love is to live a good life.
That is very vague and simplistic, but it is all I can agree on. But even in expressing the extent of my beliefs, I feel that I have shown myself the ridiculousness of religious language, that I am unnecessarily creating the holy, that which is set apart, and taking my desire to love the world out of my hands and saying that I am doing it for something or someone else. I am turning it into a duty instead of an act of my free will. I do not want to do anything because it is a duty. Duty (that which must be obeyed) seems to me to be the main point of religion (institutional religion, at least. But I think it's there in unorganized religion as well). I see it drilled in to the kids heads at my service site for Micah House (a Baptist bible study...what did I get myself into?): obedience is a virtue, listen to what we're saying, do what we want you to do. The songs they have the kids sing appear to me as brainwashing techniques now. I am frustrated. But I digress.
I don't know if I can live in a world without a God, but I'm ready to find out. Maybe I'll have an epiphany or even a theophany. You can pray for me if you like- it wouldn't offend me at all. I just need to get on with living and not worry about what my actions should or should not be motivated by. So for now, I am acting on my own volition because that is what I know. If I grow to acknowledge a higher power guiding me, fine. But I won't go around pretending that I'm experiencing what I'm not anymore.
Modras, Ronald. Ignatian Humanism: A Dynamic Spirituality for the 21st Century. Chicago: Loyola Press, 2004.
Just because I am not able to see or directly acknowledge God's presence in my life right now doesn't mean God can't still be there. If anything, those that love me and would want me to find God can rest assured that by being honest about where I am now, I can only be increasing the potential and the probability that God's grace will find me. Here's what I believe (And I don't necessarily have evidence for what I believe. I may contradict what I have said earlier. That's okay. I just need to honestly state where I am and accept that for what it is before I can move on): There is more to a human than the body, there is more to the natural world than evolution. The world is filled with mystery, and that mystery is an expression of a realm beyond the physical, beyond the natural. This spiritual element is in everything. Through my connection to the spirit, my relationship to the world is to be that of love. To love is to live a good life.
That is very vague and simplistic, but it is all I can agree on. But even in expressing the extent of my beliefs, I feel that I have shown myself the ridiculousness of religious language, that I am unnecessarily creating the holy, that which is set apart, and taking my desire to love the world out of my hands and saying that I am doing it for something or someone else. I am turning it into a duty instead of an act of my free will. I do not want to do anything because it is a duty. Duty (that which must be obeyed) seems to me to be the main point of religion (institutional religion, at least. But I think it's there in unorganized religion as well). I see it drilled in to the kids heads at my service site for Micah House (a Baptist bible study...what did I get myself into?): obedience is a virtue, listen to what we're saying, do what we want you to do. The songs they have the kids sing appear to me as brainwashing techniques now. I am frustrated. But I digress.
I don't know if I can live in a world without a God, but I'm ready to find out. Maybe I'll have an epiphany or even a theophany. You can pray for me if you like- it wouldn't offend me at all. I just need to get on with living and not worry about what my actions should or should not be motivated by. So for now, I am acting on my own volition because that is what I know. If I grow to acknowledge a higher power guiding me, fine. But I won't go around pretending that I'm experiencing what I'm not anymore.
Things I don't know, but hope to figure out
I don't know why I am in college. It certainly isn't to get a degree so I can get a job. That is what college's manifest function has (d)evolved into: training people for a specialized job. Universities used to be places young, intelligent people gathered together to share ideas and learn for the sake of learning. It is now a place to purchase the required knowledge in order to make more money than you otherwise could.
So it sounds to me like there isn't a reason for me to be in college. I am not interested in making money, and that is what college is geared towards. And if it isn't, why is it so damn expensive? The only way to anticipate paying for such an extravagant education is by planning on fully immersing myself in the capitalist system upon graduation (something I'm not too keen on).
By now, I'm a month into my freshman year of college. Damn. The semester has already been paid for. I'll finish it out and maybe try to learn something while I'm here. Next big question:
How do I survive outside the system? Survival is a big motivator. And a hard one to accomplish at first, outside the system. I've been removed from any awareness of the natural instincts humans had for survival before civilization, not to mention being removed from the formerly bountiful environment in which such instincts could easily be played out (gathering wild fruit, grain, and nuts, hunting). It would be a very large burden to undertake feeding myself in our present environment, being outside the system, alone. So I need a community I can work with that can act creatively and more efficiently to meet our needs. Food not Bombs is a wonderful example of such a community, one I might want to get involved in. As far as shelter, there have been whispers across the internets of a possible commune in the works (settling on a city in which to choose an abandoned building to squat may pose a difficulty). Clothing? Well, I've already got a lot of that, from growing up capitalist. I'm sure being nudist would cut down on unnecessary clothes. Plus, if my current necessary clothing wears out, there's dumpster diving (There are actual plans in the works for a freegan expedition with some newly-made college buddies, by the way. One of the biggest problems I have is not acting out what I talk about. That needs to change. Now.)
That last parenthetical statement leads into another question: what does direct action mean for me? Let me first clarify what I mean by direct action. I formerly would have conjured up images of riots at the WTO convention in Seattle as being the archetype of direct action. That certainly is an example of direct action (however, on the extreme side), but there is so much more contained within the phrase direct action. Simply cooking a meal for yourself instead of eating out is direct action. Doing simpe car repairs yourself instead of taking it into the shop is direct action. Growing a garden that will supply a portion of the food you actually eat daily would be some wonderful direct action. Anything you need or want to happen that you accomplish directly instead of paying for or asking for or voting for is direct action. I want to do as many things by direct action as possible. That's pretty fundamental to enacting personal anarchy. But its areas like the example I gave at the beginning that give me trouble. Is that kind of direct action for me? And by that, I'm really asking why I believe in nonviolence. I have always been attracted to notions of peace, but they may have only been rooted in a general aversion to facing conflict. But the path that I am beginning to take is directly against the grain of the culture that surrounds me. In reality, I am putting myself in opposition to forces that do not like to be opposed and will try to force me back in line. Of course, my response to such oppression as it would arise, autonomous being that I am, would be to resist. Would the means of that resistance be whatever is necessary (as Malcolm X would have it) or would it be nonviolent, actively seeking a situation in which both sides win. The problem is, I don't really want the other side to win (and by other side, I mean any authoritarian institution or corporation). I want the other side to break down, that it might stop the oppression of humans and the earth. Yet I still have always felt that violence leads to more violence. That if a government would be overthrown violently, a more violent government would simply take its place. I also hold life as being of immense value (and human life, of infinite value, the christian in me says). On an even higher plane, it becomes a question of whether to live by principle (aka objective truth) or by moral relativism. That is a question not as easily answered as it used to be. I have always been convinced that there is objective truth, but I have never really had evidence of it. By extension, this has led me to seriously consider the existence of God, and I must say that, at times, I'd have to qualify myself as an agnostic. I do believe and have evidence for a spiritual plane, a spiritual element to life. How that manifests itself is not something I claim to have specific and definite knowledge of.
So right now, that paragraph is not able to reach a conclusion. It most likely just needs a decision on my part, a decision I can't, or won't, give right now.
In thinking about the possibilities for my life, I've realized that I don't remember my dreams. I don't remember if I had real dreams. I remember considering different occupations as a child- lego designer, contractor, teacher, librarian. But those were dreams contained within the system. I don't think I've ever let my imagination soar to its potential, and I've never had a vision of where I'd truly like to go with my life. That is a chronic problem for those of the liberal bent. We're great at criticizing what is here now, but we're terrible at imagining and energizing towards a better future. I definitely need to work on that. I need to dream.
So it sounds to me like there isn't a reason for me to be in college. I am not interested in making money, and that is what college is geared towards. And if it isn't, why is it so damn expensive? The only way to anticipate paying for such an extravagant education is by planning on fully immersing myself in the capitalist system upon graduation (something I'm not too keen on).
By now, I'm a month into my freshman year of college. Damn. The semester has already been paid for. I'll finish it out and maybe try to learn something while I'm here. Next big question:
How do I survive outside the system? Survival is a big motivator. And a hard one to accomplish at first, outside the system. I've been removed from any awareness of the natural instincts humans had for survival before civilization, not to mention being removed from the formerly bountiful environment in which such instincts could easily be played out (gathering wild fruit, grain, and nuts, hunting). It would be a very large burden to undertake feeding myself in our present environment, being outside the system, alone. So I need a community I can work with that can act creatively and more efficiently to meet our needs. Food not Bombs is a wonderful example of such a community, one I might want to get involved in. As far as shelter, there have been whispers across the internets of a possible commune in the works (settling on a city in which to choose an abandoned building to squat may pose a difficulty). Clothing? Well, I've already got a lot of that, from growing up capitalist. I'm sure being nudist would cut down on unnecessary clothes. Plus, if my current necessary clothing wears out, there's dumpster diving (There are actual plans in the works for a freegan expedition with some newly-made college buddies, by the way. One of the biggest problems I have is not acting out what I talk about. That needs to change. Now.)
That last parenthetical statement leads into another question: what does direct action mean for me? Let me first clarify what I mean by direct action. I formerly would have conjured up images of riots at the WTO convention in Seattle as being the archetype of direct action. That certainly is an example of direct action (however, on the extreme side), but there is so much more contained within the phrase direct action. Simply cooking a meal for yourself instead of eating out is direct action. Doing simpe car repairs yourself instead of taking it into the shop is direct action. Growing a garden that will supply a portion of the food you actually eat daily would be some wonderful direct action. Anything you need or want to happen that you accomplish directly instead of paying for or asking for or voting for is direct action. I want to do as many things by direct action as possible. That's pretty fundamental to enacting personal anarchy. But its areas like the example I gave at the beginning that give me trouble. Is that kind of direct action for me? And by that, I'm really asking why I believe in nonviolence. I have always been attracted to notions of peace, but they may have only been rooted in a general aversion to facing conflict. But the path that I am beginning to take is directly against the grain of the culture that surrounds me. In reality, I am putting myself in opposition to forces that do not like to be opposed and will try to force me back in line. Of course, my response to such oppression as it would arise, autonomous being that I am, would be to resist. Would the means of that resistance be whatever is necessary (as Malcolm X would have it) or would it be nonviolent, actively seeking a situation in which both sides win. The problem is, I don't really want the other side to win (and by other side, I mean any authoritarian institution or corporation). I want the other side to break down, that it might stop the oppression of humans and the earth. Yet I still have always felt that violence leads to more violence. That if a government would be overthrown violently, a more violent government would simply take its place. I also hold life as being of immense value (and human life, of infinite value, the christian in me says). On an even higher plane, it becomes a question of whether to live by principle (aka objective truth) or by moral relativism. That is a question not as easily answered as it used to be. I have always been convinced that there is objective truth, but I have never really had evidence of it. By extension, this has led me to seriously consider the existence of God, and I must say that, at times, I'd have to qualify myself as an agnostic. I do believe and have evidence for a spiritual plane, a spiritual element to life. How that manifests itself is not something I claim to have specific and definite knowledge of.
So right now, that paragraph is not able to reach a conclusion. It most likely just needs a decision on my part, a decision I can't, or won't, give right now.
In thinking about the possibilities for my life, I've realized that I don't remember my dreams. I don't remember if I had real dreams. I remember considering different occupations as a child- lego designer, contractor, teacher, librarian. But those were dreams contained within the system. I don't think I've ever let my imagination soar to its potential, and I've never had a vision of where I'd truly like to go with my life. That is a chronic problem for those of the liberal bent. We're great at criticizing what is here now, but we're terrible at imagining and energizing towards a better future. I definitely need to work on that. I need to dream.
Friday, September 23
Ishmael
Gotta love life-changing books. I have read a couple already. And I look forward to more.
I can't say that anything that I've read has really changed my life, but some books have life-changing ideas, if only I were able to act them out.
Trying to fit the image of the smart, teacher's pet type student for most of my childhood, I always claimed reading as a favorite activity of mine. In reality however, I read a book for pleasure here and there- often I'd find a book I'd like and read it over and over again (I'm remember The Sword of Shannara right now), but other than that, I haven't read consistantly on my own since I outgrew Goosebumps in third grade. Well, I plan to change all that. I've kind of set up my own little curriculum of books to read along the same theme. What started me off was actually two books suggested by my foreman at my former place of employment. In the course of my two months working with him, he learned of my desire to study philosophy and to "save the world." In response, he suggested a book that would help me see why I shouldn't study philosophy and a book to show me why I shouldn't try to save the world. The latter point came up with a discussion about why I'm vegetarian. As I gave my reasons, I realized that I really wasn't sure anymore. I hadn't thought about it seriously for a while. But basically, if there's a reason to be vegetarian out there, it's probably part of my personal philosophy. The particular reason he contested was the one where if we took all the food we grow just to feed the large numbers of factory-farmed animals and gave it to the starving of the world, this would end world hunger. The problem he had with this seeming no-brainer was this: if we (the first world) feed the starving people in africa, they will have enough life in them to produce a lot more kids, who would then be starving. More food than before would need to be allocated for an even larger population of hungry people. The people will always be starving, but we are keeping them alive just enough to allow them to create more starving people. So I suppose his solution, as heartless as it sounds, is to let them starve. I had trouble swallowing this when he gave this rebuttal. I have always thought of human life as worthy of the highest dignity and most protection. Why is that? This is where Ishmael comes in.
I'm angry. I'm angry at our culture. And I'm angry at myself. We as a society are destroying the world. We are systematically limiting diversity (and moving towards Sameness, as another book, The Giver, would call it) because it is most economically efficient to do so. As humans, we believe that we are the height of creation, the height of evolution. Now if you even think about that second part for a little bit, you'll see our error. Evolution is an ongoing process. There is no end to it. But we want there to be an end to it, because we believe that we are the end, that the world belongs to us, and that we can use the world however we want. The world does not belong to us. We are a part of the world. This is not to deny our intelligence and corresponding ability to take care of the world. Humans did not always act like this. It has only been a fraction of our time in existence on this planet that we have caused this much damage. Our problems began as soon as we moved from a society that lived off the fruit of the land without working to produce it (hunter/gatherers) (which sounds a lot like the Garden of Eden to me) to farmers and shepherds who own the land, own the food, and fight everyone and everything to keep it that way (and to keep getting more and more land and more and more food). The motive for this, of course was the security of a surplus, so that when the land did not provide enough one year, humans could still survive (because human life is of ultimate value, of course). In effect, we wanted to take control of the forces of life and death (namely food) away from nature (and God). We wanted to be our own gods and ensure our own immortality. But instead, we have ensured our own (and the rest of the world's) destruction. The second creation story in the bible makes so much more sense when seen from this perspective.
So this is the problem (or a very simplified version). I don't have an answer. That's why I'm still reading (as opposed to doing something about it). And I may not find an answer that really satisfies me. We can't go backward. We have to go forward. But not in this way. We can't continue what we are doing. We have to start something completely new. That requires creativity. And generally, I think more minds working on a problem can come up with more creative solutions. So if I piqued your interest, I recommend reading Daniel Quinn's book(s), and maybe we can begin to stop contributing to the destruction of our very life support system in little ways right away. Anything that denys diversity (if it's not obvious by now, capitalism is in direct opposition to diversity, so not spending as much money is a wonderful start).
I can't say that anything that I've read has really changed my life, but some books have life-changing ideas, if only I were able to act them out.
Trying to fit the image of the smart, teacher's pet type student for most of my childhood, I always claimed reading as a favorite activity of mine. In reality however, I read a book for pleasure here and there- often I'd find a book I'd like and read it over and over again (I'm remember The Sword of Shannara right now), but other than that, I haven't read consistantly on my own since I outgrew Goosebumps in third grade. Well, I plan to change all that. I've kind of set up my own little curriculum of books to read along the same theme. What started me off was actually two books suggested by my foreman at my former place of employment. In the course of my two months working with him, he learned of my desire to study philosophy and to "save the world." In response, he suggested a book that would help me see why I shouldn't study philosophy and a book to show me why I shouldn't try to save the world. The latter point came up with a discussion about why I'm vegetarian. As I gave my reasons, I realized that I really wasn't sure anymore. I hadn't thought about it seriously for a while. But basically, if there's a reason to be vegetarian out there, it's probably part of my personal philosophy. The particular reason he contested was the one where if we took all the food we grow just to feed the large numbers of factory-farmed animals and gave it to the starving of the world, this would end world hunger. The problem he had with this seeming no-brainer was this: if we (the first world) feed the starving people in africa, they will have enough life in them to produce a lot more kids, who would then be starving. More food than before would need to be allocated for an even larger population of hungry people. The people will always be starving, but we are keeping them alive just enough to allow them to create more starving people. So I suppose his solution, as heartless as it sounds, is to let them starve. I had trouble swallowing this when he gave this rebuttal. I have always thought of human life as worthy of the highest dignity and most protection. Why is that? This is where Ishmael comes in.
I'm angry. I'm angry at our culture. And I'm angry at myself. We as a society are destroying the world. We are systematically limiting diversity (and moving towards Sameness, as another book, The Giver, would call it) because it is most economically efficient to do so. As humans, we believe that we are the height of creation, the height of evolution. Now if you even think about that second part for a little bit, you'll see our error. Evolution is an ongoing process. There is no end to it. But we want there to be an end to it, because we believe that we are the end, that the world belongs to us, and that we can use the world however we want. The world does not belong to us. We are a part of the world. This is not to deny our intelligence and corresponding ability to take care of the world. Humans did not always act like this. It has only been a fraction of our time in existence on this planet that we have caused this much damage. Our problems began as soon as we moved from a society that lived off the fruit of the land without working to produce it (hunter/gatherers) (which sounds a lot like the Garden of Eden to me) to farmers and shepherds who own the land, own the food, and fight everyone and everything to keep it that way (and to keep getting more and more land and more and more food). The motive for this, of course was the security of a surplus, so that when the land did not provide enough one year, humans could still survive (because human life is of ultimate value, of course). In effect, we wanted to take control of the forces of life and death (namely food) away from nature (and God). We wanted to be our own gods and ensure our own immortality. But instead, we have ensured our own (and the rest of the world's) destruction. The second creation story in the bible makes so much more sense when seen from this perspective.
So this is the problem (or a very simplified version). I don't have an answer. That's why I'm still reading (as opposed to doing something about it). And I may not find an answer that really satisfies me. We can't go backward. We have to go forward. But not in this way. We can't continue what we are doing. We have to start something completely new. That requires creativity. And generally, I think more minds working on a problem can come up with more creative solutions. So if I piqued your interest, I recommend reading Daniel Quinn's book(s), and maybe we can begin to stop contributing to the destruction of our very life support system in little ways right away. Anything that denys diversity (if it's not obvious by now, capitalism is in direct opposition to diversity, so not spending as much money is a wonderful start).
Monday, September 19
Eight Reasons Why Capitalists Want to Sell You Deodorant
1. Body smells are erotic and sexual. Capitalists don't like that because they are impotent and opposed to all manifestations of sensuality and sexuality. Sexually awakened people are potentially dangerous to capitalists and their rigid, asexual system.
2. Body smells remind us that we are animals. Capitalists don't want us to be reminded of that. Animals are dirty. They eat things off the ground, not out of plastic wrappers. They are openly sexual. They don't wear suits or ties, and they don't get their hair done. They don't show up to work on time.
3. Body smells are unique. Everyone has her own body smell. Capitalists don't like individuality. There are millions of body smells but only a few deodorant smells. Capitalists like that.
4. Some deodorants are harmful. Capitalists like that because they are always looking for new illnesses to cure. Capitalists love to invent new medicines. Medicines make money for them and win them prizes; they also cause new illnesses so capitalists can invent even more new medicines.
5. Deodorants cost you money. Capitalists are especially pleased about that.
6. Deodorants hide the damage that capitalist products cause your body. Eating meat and other chemical-filled foods sold by capitalists makes you smell bad. Wearing pantyhose makes you smell bad. Capitalists don't want you to stop wearing pantyhose or eating meat.
7. Deodorant-users are insecure. Capitalists like insecure people. Insecure people don't start trouble. Insecure people also buy room fresheners, hair conditioners, makeup, and magazines with articles about dieting.
8. Deodorants are unnecessary. Capitalists are very proud of that and they win marketing awards for it.
Taken from my friend, Pat's website. And he got it from here.
2. Body smells remind us that we are animals. Capitalists don't want us to be reminded of that. Animals are dirty. They eat things off the ground, not out of plastic wrappers. They are openly sexual. They don't wear suits or ties, and they don't get their hair done. They don't show up to work on time.
3. Body smells are unique. Everyone has her own body smell. Capitalists don't like individuality. There are millions of body smells but only a few deodorant smells. Capitalists like that.
4. Some deodorants are harmful. Capitalists like that because they are always looking for new illnesses to cure. Capitalists love to invent new medicines. Medicines make money for them and win them prizes; they also cause new illnesses so capitalists can invent even more new medicines.
5. Deodorants cost you money. Capitalists are especially pleased about that.
6. Deodorants hide the damage that capitalist products cause your body. Eating meat and other chemical-filled foods sold by capitalists makes you smell bad. Wearing pantyhose makes you smell bad. Capitalists don't want you to stop wearing pantyhose or eating meat.
7. Deodorant-users are insecure. Capitalists like insecure people. Insecure people don't start trouble. Insecure people also buy room fresheners, hair conditioners, makeup, and magazines with articles about dieting.
8. Deodorants are unnecessary. Capitalists are very proud of that and they win marketing awards for it.
Taken from my friend, Pat's website. And he got it from here.
I'm nineteen!
The date memorializing my spectacular entrance into this world passed us by last friday. I had a great weekend (which, by necessity, means that very little homework got done). Crown Candy (with the consumption of two very large chocolate shakes (and much moaning afterwards)), The Aristocrats, the St. Louis Art Museum (where I got two new buttons for my backpack: "I think, therefore I'm dangerous" and "Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it"), Left Bank Books, Shakespeare in the park, Hartford Coffee Company (with the Hartford Hootenanny providing live music), my first Quaker meeting, and of course, partytime with gifts and cake. Oh, and much bike riding inbetween.
My mom got me the best card. I shall replicate it here (most probably quite illegally):
Cover:
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to." -Albert Einstein
Inside:
Or anything else for that matter. Happy Birthday!
Both my dad and my roommate got me corrective worldview maps (so now the words are still readable!).
For the least consequential birthday I have yet experienced (apparently, now I can drink legally in Canada), it turned out to be a pretty good one.
My mom got me the best card. I shall replicate it here (most probably quite illegally):
Cover:
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to." -Albert Einstein
Inside:
Or anything else for that matter. Happy Birthday!
Both my dad and my roommate got me corrective worldview maps (so now the words are still readable!).
For the least consequential birthday I have yet experienced (apparently, now I can drink legally in Canada), it turned out to be a pretty good one.
Tuesday, September 6
Posters
There was a poster sale today on campus. And while my room is already well decorated, I got two more. First I'll tell you what I already had:
You can see these and a few other pictures on my (finally) updated photoblog.
- a large map positioned "upside" down
- a large picture of Gandhi sitting on the floor, studying some papers, next to his spinning wheel
- a colorful peace sign (a gift from my brother, Mike)
- a poster of a peace crane
- a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr.
- a picture of Albert Einstein
- a framed poem by Pedro Arrupe, SJ about falling in love
- an equal-area projection map currently hanging sideways (with west down), thanks to my friend Nathan
- a caricature of myself
- and finally, a poster with a quote of Gandhi: be the change you wish to see in the world
You can see these and a few other pictures on my (finally) updated photoblog.
Monday, September 5
College life
College life is good. I'm so socially exhausted that it is hard to find the energy to write anything. So don't expect this to be deep at all. I've been cheating on this blog with a personal journal as well, so that's even more taxing on this quasi-introvert. So let's just give a quick overview of what is happening in the life of tom. My dorm is awesome. I love the arrangement. The chi is flowing pretty freely. My roommate, Matt, is wonderful. He's from Massachusetts (blue state). He is a buddhist (in the american sense). He drinks tea throughout the day. He's a very peaceful and happy person, and I am blessed to have found such a roommate the first semester of my freshman year. My floor is good. Micah House will be really good. It's nice to have knowledge of some commonly shared values with everyone who lives on your floor: social justice, peace, community. It's very easy to make friends in this environment. My classes are good. The teachers seem to be good, and the material to be covered seems to be at least somewhat palatable in some cases and extremely so in others. I'm taking Math thinking in the Real World (at least it's not a regular math class), Intro to Sociology, Painting I (oils), Intro to Philosophy: Self and Reality, and Theological Foundations. I need to create some sort of structure for myself to stay on top of all of the work I will have. Eating has never been so easy and difficult at the same time. There is so much food to eat, but it's all so far away, there's so much else to do besides eating, and it costs so much. I'd like to get a smaller meal plan and cook more. I've got a pot, a kitchenette, and the will. And I love being so close to Sara. I have no cell phone anymore and no car. It is wonderful. And now before the school year reaches full speed, I'm still able to do some reading for fun. I'm enjoying my ability and freedom to entertain thoughts without necessarily adhering to them immediately. Maybe when I'm more rested I'll elaborate on that point.
Thursday, August 18
Chris
Well, I've gathered a lot to blog about in the last fourteen days. I've completed a family vacation, read a book, begun an exploration of the world of punk. A highschool classmate has also died and been buried in this time. So I've had a lot to think about (not that I didn't beforehand).
Chris, my former classmate, was in my homeroom for four years. His locker was right next to mine for four years. We were both on the wrestling team freshman year (in adjacent weight classes). And we were both in the same senior art exhibit this past semester. He was so talented in so many ways. But he was also very quiet. Four years of close proximity, and we barely ever said anything more than "hi" to each other. Everyone liked him. You could say that he was popular, except that he kind of shied away from attention most of the time. He did have his niche, but it wasn't really at school. He was going to be starting at the Art Institute of Chicago this fall. Last sunday, Chris killed himself. There is no specific reason that I'm aware of. Obviously, there was something he was struggling with that he kept to himself. I've never experienced any sort of real depression- only seasonal, so I have trouble understanding or empathizing with the desire to end your life. The very state of being can be such a joyous matter. So I feel sorrow at lost opportunity. I feel like I should have more to say about this, but I don't right now. Chris is the first person my age in my life to have died. I may be in shock or numb. I don't feel that I am, though (but I suppose that's the point of being numb). It's still rather unreal to me. The funeral helped. I think I've accepted that it happened, but I don't know what that means to me. I already had planned on never seeing most of my classmates again upon graduation, except for a class reunion here and there. So I had let go of that group of people already. And that's really all I can say about it right now.
Yeah, I'll talk about everything else later.
Chris, my former classmate, was in my homeroom for four years. His locker was right next to mine for four years. We were both on the wrestling team freshman year (in adjacent weight classes). And we were both in the same senior art exhibit this past semester. He was so talented in so many ways. But he was also very quiet. Four years of close proximity, and we barely ever said anything more than "hi" to each other. Everyone liked him. You could say that he was popular, except that he kind of shied away from attention most of the time. He did have his niche, but it wasn't really at school. He was going to be starting at the Art Institute of Chicago this fall. Last sunday, Chris killed himself. There is no specific reason that I'm aware of. Obviously, there was something he was struggling with that he kept to himself. I've never experienced any sort of real depression- only seasonal, so I have trouble understanding or empathizing with the desire to end your life. The very state of being can be such a joyous matter. So I feel sorrow at lost opportunity. I feel like I should have more to say about this, but I don't right now. Chris is the first person my age in my life to have died. I may be in shock or numb. I don't feel that I am, though (but I suppose that's the point of being numb). It's still rather unreal to me. The funeral helped. I think I've accepted that it happened, but I don't know what that means to me. I already had planned on never seeing most of my classmates again upon graduation, except for a class reunion here and there. So I had let go of that group of people already. And that's really all I can say about it right now.
Yeah, I'll talk about everything else later.
Tuesday, August 2
Constantly discerning
Friday was my last day of employment at my small little rehab company, so I am quite happy. I have a family vacation to San Fransisco coming up this week and then the rest of August to prepare for college. Which basically means that I have a lot more time to do what I actually want to do now.
Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?
You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.
One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.
The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.
On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.
I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):
I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rilke
and this:
Noble Truths:
Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.
Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.
Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.
(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)
(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)
Something that has become very clear recently is that I do not have a very clear understanding of a good many things. My friend Nathan commented that I can always be counted on to be discerning something at any given time. This is true. For a long while, I was attempting to discern my vocation, specifically, whether I should become a priest. Needless to say, I've moved beyond that point. It's amazing how much I've changed from even the beginning of my senior year (the last point at which I was still considering the priesthood). Since then, I've realized that this is my life that I'm trying to live, that I can't please everyone, and that if something I'm doing is not working for me, I can change it, I need to change it. So I have been seeking and questioning and changing for a while now. I got to the point where I wanted to look at each aspect of my life to see if it could be changed for the better. What do I eat? What do I wear (if anything)? Where do I live? How do I transport myself? In what way do I attain things I need? How do I bathe? How do I prioritize my time? To whom do I pledge allegience? How do I pray? How do I worship? How do I behave towards everyone around me?
You have probably noticed the rainbow striped banner in the corner of this blog reading, "EMBRACE DIVERSITY". It is supposedly a "webband" made to mimic the disgustingly popular wristbands, but I like to think of it more as a rainbow sash being draped over the corner of the page. At any rate, its primary intent is obviously to voice support for the homosexual population. But all varieties of diversity are still present in the phrase, of course. I have given a lot of thought to the "issue" of homosexuality over quite some time. My position has evolved over time. I remember the surprise I experienced upon learning of people with differing orientations at my highschool as a freshman (well, the surprise may have had to do more with the fact that one particular person was preaching that Jesus was, in fact, a gay man with a foot fetish. But that is beside the point- if there is a point yet). But my attitude towards homosexuality has matured as I have realized that everyone, no matter their sexual orientation, race, sex, religion, or any other distinguishing factor, is completely whole as they are and should be accepted wholly and allowed to live their lives wholly. In June, I watched a documentary, In good conscience, about Sister Jeannine Gramick's ministry to and advocacy for homosexual individuals in the Catholic Church. One of the things she said was that the Church's current position on how homosexuals are to behave is like saying that a bird can be a bird, but it is not allowed to fly. It is probably only because I'm rebelling so much right now (and specifically from the Church on this issue), but I, the eternal discerner, have gone so far as to consider whether I might be bi. Kinsey and others have theorized that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation- that very few are indeed fully heterosexual or homosexual, that most are somewhere in the middle but suppress the attractions that society has deemed inappropriate. If it weren't for the Catholic guilt that still has so strong a hold on me, I think I would find that I am very possibly bi-curious. Many will be very happy to hear, I'm sure, that I am definitely still much more attracted to women than men, though (Sara in particular, I think, is glad of that fact). It's hard not to be with how beautiful the female body is. So that is one thing I believe I have discerned satisfactorily.
One of the things I have realized (and am still trying to figure out my feelings towards) is how in grade school and even into high school, I prided myself as a rebel against my own peers, not following the childish, immature behaviors I constantly witnessed them exhibiting- like not liking to go to church. I prided myself because I knew that the adults around me (who enjoyed the mass) necessarily are wiser than my peers, so it would be wise for me to follow their example instead. Basically, I was very happily uncool. But now I feel like I am doing the exact same thing as my grade school peers, complaining about mass and rebelling against established (and in my former thinking, wiser) practices. I don't like the idea that I'm not Catholic because it isn't cool to be Catholic. I don't think that is the reason why, though. First off, it is a much more intellectually founded decision (yet it still feels as though I am simply assimilating into society). I am not going to feel guilty though about abandoning the Church 1) without knowing everything about it, and 2) not remaining to try to enact change. I did not choose for myself to be baptized Catholic. I am very appreciative of my upbringing, but I need to be able to step away and decide for myself now. I do not feel obligated to learn every last thing about the Church before I make a move because it is not like I understand any other denomination or religion completely, either. There is no reason that the Catholic Church should have a special monopoly on my pursuit of religious truth. And I don't feel obligated to stay and work for change, either. 1) It would never change as much as I feel it needs to now, and 2) it is not necessarily the Church that needs changing. I'm working through my own personal issues, some of which are based on my relationship with the Church, and I'm not going to assume that what I'm thinking right now is somehow more wise than a magisterium with 2000 years of discerning under its belt. But I still need the separation from such an authority to clearly see where I am.
The other part that makes me question my motives for stepping away from the Church is the idea that I simply want a "feel good" religion in which I don't offend anyone by looking at things more humanistically. But even if that is the case, it is what I need to do because the feel bad religion I've got right now has not helped me know and love God more in a long time. The Church has rules and dogmas that are absolute because they stem from the objective Truth of Natural Law. To which I say: Bah! Humans aren't perfect, but they are whole. They need your love to realize their wholeness. So the only thing I will concern myself with is loving them. Not judging or trying to change them. If I try to do either of those, I'm too busy with that to be able to love them. So I will love them and accept them unconditionally (as best I can). The sign outside of Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church says that All are Welcome. I have not found this to be true. So right now, I need to step away from such an environment and try to grow in relationship with the supernatural, independent of such oppressive and judgemental forces. I am not saying that the Church is wrong or that I am right. Simply, for my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual health, I need to be a seeker right now.
On a lighter note, I am also discerning what my favorite color is. My first favorite color was white (for the white power ranger, Tommy, I believe). Then, until recently, it was blue (school colors!). But each color is so beautiful, I'm having a hard time sticking to one. Sometimes it is still blue, sometimes green, or red, or purple, or yellow, or brown. I think I'm going to let that one go undecided for a while.
I am slightly annoyed with myself that just as I'm about to start college I'm all "I don't know who I am or what I want to do. I need to discern everything all over again". It seems rather stereotypical of me. But now to borrow heavily from one of my new favorite blogs (to show why I am perfectly at peace with where I am in my life):
I beg you...
to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers which could not be given you now because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rilke
and this:
Noble Truths:
Show up and choose to be present in all that life offers.
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you and what resonates with your soul.
Tell the truth without blame or judgement. Say what you mean and mean what you say or keep a noble silence. From an empowered position, choose to remain silent.
Stay open, but not attached to the outcome. Deeply care from an objective place. Break old patterns, practice discernment.
(Thank you to Misty for helping me be at peace with the things I still don't know.)
(I started writing this post three days ago. There is obviously a lot more that I am thinking about. But I just want to be finished thinking, at least for a little bit.)
Monday, July 25
Finding peace
I feel disconnected from the world and not quite at peace with myself, and I think it is because of my life situation right now (see previous post). I'm unsure of where I am and who I am. It's scary to say that, but I know I have great potential to learn right now. So here's what's been going on in my life recently:
I went to ecc (ecumenical catholic community) for the first time saturday night. I enjoyed it very much. I actually felt spiritually fed (the first time I've felt that I've "gotten something" out of a mass in a long time).
I have finally finished reading The Power of Now. I have found a lot of truth in that book. Unfortunately, since it took so long for me to read, I want to read it again soon (and that's why I bought it), hopefully in a shorter span of time. The most immediate realization I have gained from the book is how much of my identity I invest in things that aren't me at all. The most obvious example of this is my identity on the internet. In the past few years, I've let my opinions be me, and those opinions become fossilized and personally idolized in this blog. My blog serves as a catharsis (so excuse me for expecting you to read my intellectual and emotional excrement), and that is good. But there is still an unhealthy element of pride, a feeling of there, I said it, in which I put those opinions out there and believe that people can get to know me through them. 1) I'd have to go into a lot more detail about my daily life in order for that to be anywhere near effective, should that be my goal, and 2) my opinions are just my ego talking, looking to push away enemys and better up myself. So I'd like to de-emphasize the role that opinions have in my life. The other, more recent addition to my internet identity is facebook. If you are unaware of what this digital/social phenomenon is, I'll attempt to describe it. First, if you know what MySpace is (which I don't expect to be true for most people who read this), it is basically like that, but exclusively for college students. But basically, you create a profile giving a basic rundown of your life- interests, taste in books, music, and movies, favorite quotes. And you link with friends. So it serves as a ditigal social network for you to connect with people or just learn more about them (at least superficially). And I have become addicted to it. There are a list of things I do whenever I first get on the computer: check email, check friends' blogs, (and now) check facebook to see how many "friends" I have. If that isn't pure ego acting on my behalf, I don't know what is.
Thankfully, this will be my last week of working at my current job. It has gotten better since I've been working with some people instead of others. Comments they make (regarding race, sex, orientation) still drive me up the wall, but I'm working on it. The other side of why I don't like my job at all is that it forces me to give up any attempt at being environmentally conscious (ie driving a car everywhere again). I was really looking forward to not driving at all when the summer started, but that was quickly pushed aside as I jumped at the opportunity to make money. So I now look forward to not driving once the school year starts (now that I'll be living where I attend classes). I don't really mind anymore that my vocabulary has been expanded. Yes, it is a bit of a bad habit, but I see it mainly as an issue of class. Or education. It's really just a matter of getting over myself because even if I don't intend to, I make myself feel superior by refraining from cussing. So I use it when appropriate. The thing is that they are words used in anger most of the time, so I hope to hardly ever use them, as I grow more and more peaceful.
My spiritual life is in a genuine upheaval. I will not take anything for granted. I will think through and accept every individual tenant before I own it. It's the only way I can be honest with myself and truly believe what I'm trying to believe. So I'm really starting from scratch. I know I'm not Roman Catholic (I'm very comfortable in that church because it is where I grew up, but beliefnet showed me I wasn't Catholic a long time ago). But now I am thinking through: am I christian? Do I even think organized religion is worthwhile? Is there a personal God? Sure, I've asked these questions before, but I've never been brave enough to really consider any alternatives. But now I am.
My relationship with Sara is very pleasant right now, but I know that will not necessarily be the case forever, so I want to correct things early in the relationship so that they are even healthier later. I think I am addicted to you right now, Sara. The challenge is to find better ways to love her each day, but I still need to be taking care of myself all the time as well. So I need balance.
There is plenty more I could talk about, but I need sleep. I already feel more peaceful. I told you this is cathartic.
I went to ecc (ecumenical catholic community) for the first time saturday night. I enjoyed it very much. I actually felt spiritually fed (the first time I've felt that I've "gotten something" out of a mass in a long time).
I have finally finished reading The Power of Now. I have found a lot of truth in that book. Unfortunately, since it took so long for me to read, I want to read it again soon (and that's why I bought it), hopefully in a shorter span of time. The most immediate realization I have gained from the book is how much of my identity I invest in things that aren't me at all. The most obvious example of this is my identity on the internet. In the past few years, I've let my opinions be me, and those opinions become fossilized and personally idolized in this blog. My blog serves as a catharsis (so excuse me for expecting you to read my intellectual and emotional excrement), and that is good. But there is still an unhealthy element of pride, a feeling of there, I said it, in which I put those opinions out there and believe that people can get to know me through them. 1) I'd have to go into a lot more detail about my daily life in order for that to be anywhere near effective, should that be my goal, and 2) my opinions are just my ego talking, looking to push away enemys and better up myself. So I'd like to de-emphasize the role that opinions have in my life. The other, more recent addition to my internet identity is facebook. If you are unaware of what this digital/social phenomenon is, I'll attempt to describe it. First, if you know what MySpace is (which I don't expect to be true for most people who read this), it is basically like that, but exclusively for college students. But basically, you create a profile giving a basic rundown of your life- interests, taste in books, music, and movies, favorite quotes. And you link with friends. So it serves as a ditigal social network for you to connect with people or just learn more about them (at least superficially). And I have become addicted to it. There are a list of things I do whenever I first get on the computer: check email, check friends' blogs, (and now) check facebook to see how many "friends" I have. If that isn't pure ego acting on my behalf, I don't know what is.
Thankfully, this will be my last week of working at my current job. It has gotten better since I've been working with some people instead of others. Comments they make (regarding race, sex, orientation) still drive me up the wall, but I'm working on it. The other side of why I don't like my job at all is that it forces me to give up any attempt at being environmentally conscious (ie driving a car everywhere again). I was really looking forward to not driving at all when the summer started, but that was quickly pushed aside as I jumped at the opportunity to make money. So I now look forward to not driving once the school year starts (now that I'll be living where I attend classes). I don't really mind anymore that my vocabulary has been expanded. Yes, it is a bit of a bad habit, but I see it mainly as an issue of class. Or education. It's really just a matter of getting over myself because even if I don't intend to, I make myself feel superior by refraining from cussing. So I use it when appropriate. The thing is that they are words used in anger most of the time, so I hope to hardly ever use them, as I grow more and more peaceful.
My spiritual life is in a genuine upheaval. I will not take anything for granted. I will think through and accept every individual tenant before I own it. It's the only way I can be honest with myself and truly believe what I'm trying to believe. So I'm really starting from scratch. I know I'm not Roman Catholic (I'm very comfortable in that church because it is where I grew up, but beliefnet showed me I wasn't Catholic a long time ago). But now I am thinking through: am I christian? Do I even think organized religion is worthwhile? Is there a personal God? Sure, I've asked these questions before, but I've never been brave enough to really consider any alternatives. But now I am.
My relationship with Sara is very pleasant right now, but I know that will not necessarily be the case forever, so I want to correct things early in the relationship so that they are even healthier later. I think I am addicted to you right now, Sara. The challenge is to find better ways to love her each day, but I still need to be taking care of myself all the time as well. So I need balance.
There is plenty more I could talk about, but I need sleep. I already feel more peaceful. I told you this is cathartic.
Thursday, July 7
Change
My life is in a state of flux. I just graduated from high school and am starting college. I have a month of working under my belt at my first job, a full time job in which I had very little previous experience. I also have a month of experience in the only serious relationship I've ever been in under my belt. I'm not even wearing a belt right now. That's impressive. And I also happen to have begun the rebuilding of my spiritual life recently. It's been slow in coming and in growing.
I am tired. I have exhausted my body (capitalist sell-out that I am), spirit, and soul. I need to rest and nurture myself. Think about things (I've kind of been giving my intellect a break for a while- so behind on my reading). One thing that I am often affronted with at work is my plans for a career. I'm having a hard time justifying to myself the need for a very expensive education when my plans for the future at this point are to tend my garden and love and serve people. I really need to look for a job that I can love in the meantime. It's great that I am rehabbing old houses, but it is such an unhealthy environment for me to be in. I am learning and adapting, and that is good. My vocabulary is most probably permanently altered, and I am now mostly used to a smoky environment- two things that aren't very good. I would like to do something with art or books or even fair-trade coffee. That would be nice. And Sara is wonderful. I am learning a lot about this kind of relationship, and learning it fairly quickly. It is a very healthy relationship, I think, and I look forward to it growing more deeply, slowly. And I definitely need to tend to the garden of my soul. It has been neglected, and the things that used to feed me spiritually (or maybe were force-fed) no longer do. So I am in the process of exploring where I am, where God is, and where I can meet God now. I am going to start reading again, and that will help. I plan to journal (personally) more, and that will be good. I plan to check out a catholic church (yes, small "c"- as in actual universality) that some of my friends have gone to. And the society o' friends. And even the episcopalians. I am glad that I have a foundation from which to spring, though.
Life is changing. Change can lead to a lot of growth. Change is good.
I am tired. I have exhausted my body (capitalist sell-out that I am), spirit, and soul. I need to rest and nurture myself. Think about things (I've kind of been giving my intellect a break for a while- so behind on my reading). One thing that I am often affronted with at work is my plans for a career. I'm having a hard time justifying to myself the need for a very expensive education when my plans for the future at this point are to tend my garden and love and serve people. I really need to look for a job that I can love in the meantime. It's great that I am rehabbing old houses, but it is such an unhealthy environment for me to be in. I am learning and adapting, and that is good. My vocabulary is most probably permanently altered, and I am now mostly used to a smoky environment- two things that aren't very good. I would like to do something with art or books or even fair-trade coffee. That would be nice. And Sara is wonderful. I am learning a lot about this kind of relationship, and learning it fairly quickly. It is a very healthy relationship, I think, and I look forward to it growing more deeply, slowly. And I definitely need to tend to the garden of my soul. It has been neglected, and the things that used to feed me spiritually (or maybe were force-fed) no longer do. So I am in the process of exploring where I am, where God is, and where I can meet God now. I am going to start reading again, and that will help. I plan to journal (personally) more, and that will be good. I plan to check out a catholic church (yes, small "c"- as in actual universality) that some of my friends have gone to. And the society o' friends. And even the episcopalians. I am glad that I have a foundation from which to spring, though.
Life is changing. Change can lead to a lot of growth. Change is good.
Thursday, June 23
A response to comments received on the topics of the environment and politics
Thank you, Mr. Uncle D'Bunk, for challenging me to think about my words. I have taken your junkscience reference into consideration. It's true that I do not have all the facts. I'll admit that openly. I did not intend for my blog to become a place to present research papers. I rant on occasion. However you may have spurred me on to be more knowledgable, specific, and objective in any future posts that even mention conservatives. I seem to get the most passionate responses whenever I voice my opinions about the right. I know that the left is just as bad in most respects- I'm by no means a democrat.
My unsupported rant was at least based on the knowledge gathered in a year-long course in environmental science. I don't know how to argue with a person that won't even acknowledge something as serious as the thinning of the ozone over Antarctica. This is a very resilient planet, I agree. But even if it doesn't fall apart like all of those liberal environmentalist say it will, please at least agree that we are treating the planet like shit. We, the supposed stewards of God's creation. So even if you believe the earth can take all of our crap, is that really a reason to keep our abuse of it up? Wouldn't it be great to see biodiversity increase instead of decrease? For us to still have the few remaining old-growth forests to walk through? To have enough food and water for every person in the world? (On that last point, we probably do (even as overpopulated as we are); it's just our old friend capitalism that kind of keeps the concentration of food rather uneven).
I find it disturbing that you think a liberal would automatically become conservative upon being mugged. Would that be because of conservatives' love of the death penalty? Or their crackdown on all criminals with a defunct jail system? Or just the general distain they hold for anyone different from themselves- people who maybe have had to deal with more in their lives than you or me. I guess maybe you were refering to the idealism of some liberals (and myself) being shattered by the reality of a dog-eat-dog world. I supposed I would have two options from which to choose if I were mugged. I could become conservative, harden myself to the rest of the world, and only care about number one. Or I could become even more motivated to make some positive impact on a society that produces such criminals. Actually, since I'm the kind of person that, when given lemons, makes vanilla icing (excuse the inside joke), I'd probably be thankful to the mugger for presenting me with the opportunity to start living more simply. Personal property means way more to me right now than I wish it did. Laboring 8 hours a day to make $50 will do that to you. And I've only worked 14 days. I have a strange admiration for my coworkers. I don't know how they can do what they do, knowing that it is what they'll be doing for the indefinite future. Some of them do have hopes of starting their own businesses. But for some, the object seems to be to just survive and escape. I guess they can survive because they don't give themselves the chance to think about what it all means. Instead they think about the next time they can get drunk or high. Or when they can go really fast in their car or boat next. And maybe that's why they smoke. Maybe they rejoice in the knowledge that they are shortening their lifespans. All I can really say is that they have had to deal with a whole lot more in their lives than I have, and if someone who had grown up worse than they had would mug me, I'd hope that I could be understanding, forgive the person, and maybe try to give the person more than they were demanding.
I have a question. Who made you my Sensei? Are you basing your superiority of opinion/knowledge on your seniority in years, uncle? I appreciate that you care enough about me and my words to challenge them, but please don't jump to any conclusions about a teacher/student relationship. Maybe I am proving you're "favorite quote of conservatives" to be true. I am young and idealistic. Many of my opinions are left of center (some have no place on the spectrum/want to abolish the spectrum). And yeah, I strive to have a heart. There is a lot I have to experience. I look forward to it. I think I'm on a path with which I will experience a lot. Hopefully I'll become wiser. I certainly am wiser than I was four years ago. I personally hope that with wisdom, an argument such as this becomes unnecessary, that I can simply live to love, and that I offend neither conservatives nor liberals (or more likely, that I insult both equally). I don't really care what the politicians or the scientists are saying. Not after a point. Civilization is not healthy for anyone involved, especially the earth. And no, I'm not going to provide any proof for you. At least not today. Just think about the earth that is underneath the street outside your house. Its potential for life. And what it is doing instead. That's enough to go meditate on for a while, don't you think, Sensei?
My unsupported rant was at least based on the knowledge gathered in a year-long course in environmental science. I don't know how to argue with a person that won't even acknowledge something as serious as the thinning of the ozone over Antarctica. This is a very resilient planet, I agree. But even if it doesn't fall apart like all of those liberal environmentalist say it will, please at least agree that we are treating the planet like shit. We, the supposed stewards of God's creation. So even if you believe the earth can take all of our crap, is that really a reason to keep our abuse of it up? Wouldn't it be great to see biodiversity increase instead of decrease? For us to still have the few remaining old-growth forests to walk through? To have enough food and water for every person in the world? (On that last point, we probably do (even as overpopulated as we are); it's just our old friend capitalism that kind of keeps the concentration of food rather uneven).
I find it disturbing that you think a liberal would automatically become conservative upon being mugged. Would that be because of conservatives' love of the death penalty? Or their crackdown on all criminals with a defunct jail system? Or just the general distain they hold for anyone different from themselves- people who maybe have had to deal with more in their lives than you or me. I guess maybe you were refering to the idealism of some liberals (and myself) being shattered by the reality of a dog-eat-dog world. I supposed I would have two options from which to choose if I were mugged. I could become conservative, harden myself to the rest of the world, and only care about number one. Or I could become even more motivated to make some positive impact on a society that produces such criminals. Actually, since I'm the kind of person that, when given lemons, makes vanilla icing (excuse the inside joke), I'd probably be thankful to the mugger for presenting me with the opportunity to start living more simply. Personal property means way more to me right now than I wish it did. Laboring 8 hours a day to make $50 will do that to you. And I've only worked 14 days. I have a strange admiration for my coworkers. I don't know how they can do what they do, knowing that it is what they'll be doing for the indefinite future. Some of them do have hopes of starting their own businesses. But for some, the object seems to be to just survive and escape. I guess they can survive because they don't give themselves the chance to think about what it all means. Instead they think about the next time they can get drunk or high. Or when they can go really fast in their car or boat next. And maybe that's why they smoke. Maybe they rejoice in the knowledge that they are shortening their lifespans. All I can really say is that they have had to deal with a whole lot more in their lives than I have, and if someone who had grown up worse than they had would mug me, I'd hope that I could be understanding, forgive the person, and maybe try to give the person more than they were demanding.
I have a question. Who made you my Sensei? Are you basing your superiority of opinion/knowledge on your seniority in years, uncle? I appreciate that you care enough about me and my words to challenge them, but please don't jump to any conclusions about a teacher/student relationship. Maybe I am proving you're "favorite quote of conservatives" to be true. I am young and idealistic. Many of my opinions are left of center (some have no place on the spectrum/want to abolish the spectrum). And yeah, I strive to have a heart. There is a lot I have to experience. I look forward to it. I think I'm on a path with which I will experience a lot. Hopefully I'll become wiser. I certainly am wiser than I was four years ago. I personally hope that with wisdom, an argument such as this becomes unnecessary, that I can simply live to love, and that I offend neither conservatives nor liberals (or more likely, that I insult both equally). I don't really care what the politicians or the scientists are saying. Not after a point. Civilization is not healthy for anyone involved, especially the earth. And no, I'm not going to provide any proof for you. At least not today. Just think about the earth that is underneath the street outside your house. Its potential for life. And what it is doing instead. That's enough to go meditate on for a while, don't you think, Sensei?
Friday, June 10
Growing up
I've been realizing recently how much I am affected by my environment. It has shaped my personality, my conscience, and on a more short term basis, my mood. I was thinking about this because of my coworkers, actually. They all smoke. All of them. Every break. I obviously have no appreciation for the art of slowly killing yourself, but I've still grown more understanding of smokers. It is probably what they all grew up with. Parents, like it or not, have a big part in forming who you are. If they did something throughout your entire childhood, you are probably more likely to do it as well. You still have a choice, of course. And I would love to see them all stop smoking. But I can't blame them too much.
I'm just very thankful for my parents. Okay, well first off, they don't smoke. But they just love me so much. There's a reason why I'm so well adjusted (mostly. some might protest): I grew up knowing that I am loved. I've also realized that they are the original source, or foundation, for my liberal political views. I've obviously grown to become post-liberal, but it was my parents that pushed me in the right direction. I remember being conservative before I even knew what the word meant. I think kids probably usually are. It probably seems safer. Nothing ever changes. Unfortunately, half the population never grows out of it. But I remember wanting Bush Sr. to have a second term. Just because he was already president (I was 5). I remember asking my parents who won the Vietnam war. They told me that no one won, (I asked if they tied. I was probably about 11), that there are no winners in war. I've grown up thinking that everyone did community service. Everyone I knew did. At the beginning, my parents even only let me watch channel 9 (pbs). And now I could only wish that that was the only channel out there. They raised me in the Catholic church and in a community in which I found some of my best friends.
I am blessed that I was raised by these people (along with everyone else in my family and community). Thank you, mom and dad.
I feel so grown up. I've got a full time job. I have graduated from high school. I've voted twice (with unhappy results). I'm even "in a relationship" with a woman. (with happy results) I need to do some serious playing, or I'm going to grow old, as well as up. Don't want that to happen.
That's another thing I've been thinking about. Growing old sucks. All the aches and pains and general falling apart. Right now I can go to bed at midnight, wake up at 7:30, rush to work, do backbreaking labor all day, go out and have fun with friends in the evening, and do this over and over again. I need to do my best to age gracefully. Take care of my body. I think I will be able to appreciate the changing seasons to come in my life. It will be a chance to look at the world from a different perspective. Hopefully, I'll be wiser. And not too bitter. But I will enjoy my youth while it is here. This is not the height of my life (that doesn't even come in this life), it's only the beginning.
I'm just very thankful for my parents. Okay, well first off, they don't smoke. But they just love me so much. There's a reason why I'm so well adjusted (mostly. some might protest): I grew up knowing that I am loved. I've also realized that they are the original source, or foundation, for my liberal political views. I've obviously grown to become post-liberal, but it was my parents that pushed me in the right direction. I remember being conservative before I even knew what the word meant. I think kids probably usually are. It probably seems safer. Nothing ever changes. Unfortunately, half the population never grows out of it. But I remember wanting Bush Sr. to have a second term. Just because he was already president (I was 5). I remember asking my parents who won the Vietnam war. They told me that no one won, (I asked if they tied. I was probably about 11), that there are no winners in war. I've grown up thinking that everyone did community service. Everyone I knew did. At the beginning, my parents even only let me watch channel 9 (pbs). And now I could only wish that that was the only channel out there. They raised me in the Catholic church and in a community in which I found some of my best friends.
I am blessed that I was raised by these people (along with everyone else in my family and community). Thank you, mom and dad.
I feel so grown up. I've got a full time job. I have graduated from high school. I've voted twice (with unhappy results). I'm even "in a relationship" with a woman. (with happy results) I need to do some serious playing, or I'm going to grow old, as well as up. Don't want that to happen.
That's another thing I've been thinking about. Growing old sucks. All the aches and pains and general falling apart. Right now I can go to bed at midnight, wake up at 7:30, rush to work, do backbreaking labor all day, go out and have fun with friends in the evening, and do this over and over again. I need to do my best to age gracefully. Take care of my body. I think I will be able to appreciate the changing seasons to come in my life. It will be a chance to look at the world from a different perspective. Hopefully, I'll be wiser. And not too bitter. But I will enjoy my youth while it is here. This is not the height of my life (that doesn't even come in this life), it's only the beginning.
Monday, June 6
Saturday, June 4
Loving and serving all three
It is a sad day in the Campbell household.
My family turned on the air conditioning today. I'm so cold. It is 84 degrees outside, and I am freezing. I'm only wearing a pair of shorts currently, so I should be quite comfortable, if the windows were open and the ceiling fan was on. But the windows are closed, alas. And the fan is off. I am living in a refrigerator.
Do you have any idea how many strip mines are being created (completely and totally raping the earth) to extract enough coal to make enough electricity for the four of us to be living in a refrigerator? I don't know that much about Puron, but any chemical coolant will probably have some damaging effect. Our poor atmosphere is currently undergoing an accelerating bout of destruction by CFCs. Because of busted up air conditioners from the last half century. The euphemistically named Freon wasn't good anymore because the public had been educated about it. So they named a different chemical Puron. Free and pure. Right. You may have solved one specific part of the problem but by no means have we taken on the whole spectrum of ways that we are shooting ourselves in the foot. What do we need for survival? Air, food, water, and shelter. We are using these vital resources at an exponentially unsustainable rate. Sure, we don't see it. We live in America. The home of the brave "tamers" of the wild and the land of the free-for-all.
As a blue collar worker, I have just plugged myself into the system that builds and maintains the infrastructures that support our capitalist nation and world. Capitalism is the benefiting financially from the shortchanging of someone somewhere else who you probably can't see. The one biggest thing shortchanged (because it has absolutely no voice of its own to speak out for itself) is the earth. It can't go on strike for unbearable working conditions. Eventually, it will just drop dead. And the systems and infrastructures I have now taken a part in prolonging will be null. We will be dead.
Shit.
I'm being dramatic, but it is that serious. Wake up and smell the carnage. Our lives need to change. Drastically. Would you rather have a car or clean air to breathe? Highways, streets, garages, and parking lots (with which to use those cars)- or real food to eat? Electronics, plastics, and anything made with manufactured chemicals- or water to drink? A pay check- or your lives?
That's a lot to sacrifice, either way you look at it. In the end, I'll take the air, food, and water, thanks. Please join me. And live.
Someone told me at my graduation party that if I plan on getting married, raising a family, I'll need to have a job by which I make money. And for a while, I agreed with him (this job is really brainwashing me). How could money ever be considered the prerequisite for the building of a family? Of course, practically, money is very important in considering the health of families in our society. But that is such a sad state of affairs. Somehow, some way, love needs to become the only factor in the planning of one's family. Of my family.
So much is so wrong in our society. We are so selfish. So self-centered. We are isolated and we isolate other people. We create our own sad world to live in alone and we are angry because of it. I feel like crying. We (Sara and I) saw the movie Crash last night. It depicts the very real and very sad state of humanity hating itself for the fact that not everyone is the same. Skin color isn't even the main cause- that's just used as the overshadowing stereotype. It's the cultural differences that develop within the separated melanin groups that cause so much friction. Or rather, it is the intolerance of such differences.
I am intolerant of intolerance. That is why I can relate better to some atheists than some religious rights. At least the atheist isn't a hypocrit. I may not know how he ticks, how he can survive without hope, but he acts on what he "believes." Fundamentalist christians love God. That is very good and I respect them for that. I do. But the "love" that they have for their neighbor, the love that is supposed to spring from their ardent love of God, consists in trying to purge those neighbors of all differences and fit them nicely into their church. People are different. Love them. Not in spite of differences. Not because of their differences. Just love them. Love is our only hope- for humanity, for the earth, for us.
So start living a life of love. We've all heard this before. God loves you unconditionally. If you are Christian, then you also believe that God became one of us and died to show us, teach us, release that unconditional love on us. Well, we're certainly doing a heck of a job of imitating that example. What would Jesus do? I'll tell you what he would do. He would live in a community of love, with a few shared possessions, travelling around to love as many people as possible. And not any people- the people with the greatest degree of difference from himself. He would not only tolerate them, he would embrace them, share his life with them, love them. He would NOT have a job. He would NOT need such distractions as toys, entertainment, or coffee to have a good time. He would only need the presence of another human to rejoice in to have a good time. He would have a complete faith in God, that he mustn't worry about such things as food or clothes. He would have faith in humans, that there is good in everyone, that anyone he meets would have it within them to share in the love he already has for them. He would not fret about the past or the future. He would live with you in the moment, fully enjoying the life God gave him. I want to imitate that man.
How am I doing that in this moment? Frankly, I'm not. I'm working all day to make money, and "learning valuable skills," to go towards my college education. At some point, you have to say that you've learned enough to go out into the "real world" and start living. Considering the whole world, I am already immensly more educated than the majority. And that's not cocky; it's just the truth. But that doesn't mean I can grow fields upon fields of food for a village to eat. Not yet. I have studied books and ideas. I'm going on to a very expensive education of more books and ideas. I can't spend my life in books and ideas. I need to experience the world, not analyze it. I have never really had to deal with racial issues. I've basically migrated towards people that are very similar to me (some of them are very different from each other, but they are similar to different parts of me) and loved them. And I do love them. But what about everyone else? For two hours out of 168 hours in one week, I reach out in some small way to people that are pretty different from me. That is not a very high percentage (just over 1%).
Aunt Annie, I will take your advice. I have an opportunity to reach out in some small way to people that are very different from me 8 hours out of every day, and I will take advantage of that opportunity.
And I will continue to grow in love with the people I am already close to. Because that's just too much fun. That's the kind of thing that makes life unbelievably, incredibly good. It's the kind of thing that can inspire me to love people that aren't so similar. And I thank you for that.
Somehow, I was able to capture the purpose of my life in that little blurb on the upper right of this blog. I appreciate the simplicity: Love God, love the earth, love humans. That's it.
Amen.
My family turned on the air conditioning today. I'm so cold. It is 84 degrees outside, and I am freezing. I'm only wearing a pair of shorts currently, so I should be quite comfortable, if the windows were open and the ceiling fan was on. But the windows are closed, alas. And the fan is off. I am living in a refrigerator.
Do you have any idea how many strip mines are being created (completely and totally raping the earth) to extract enough coal to make enough electricity for the four of us to be living in a refrigerator? I don't know that much about Puron, but any chemical coolant will probably have some damaging effect. Our poor atmosphere is currently undergoing an accelerating bout of destruction by CFCs. Because of busted up air conditioners from the last half century. The euphemistically named Freon wasn't good anymore because the public had been educated about it. So they named a different chemical Puron. Free and pure. Right. You may have solved one specific part of the problem but by no means have we taken on the whole spectrum of ways that we are shooting ourselves in the foot. What do we need for survival? Air, food, water, and shelter. We are using these vital resources at an exponentially unsustainable rate. Sure, we don't see it. We live in America. The home of the brave "tamers" of the wild and the land of the free-for-all.
As a blue collar worker, I have just plugged myself into the system that builds and maintains the infrastructures that support our capitalist nation and world. Capitalism is the benefiting financially from the shortchanging of someone somewhere else who you probably can't see. The one biggest thing shortchanged (because it has absolutely no voice of its own to speak out for itself) is the earth. It can't go on strike for unbearable working conditions. Eventually, it will just drop dead. And the systems and infrastructures I have now taken a part in prolonging will be null. We will be dead.
Shit.
I'm being dramatic, but it is that serious. Wake up and smell the carnage. Our lives need to change. Drastically. Would you rather have a car or clean air to breathe? Highways, streets, garages, and parking lots (with which to use those cars)- or real food to eat? Electronics, plastics, and anything made with manufactured chemicals- or water to drink? A pay check- or your lives?
That's a lot to sacrifice, either way you look at it. In the end, I'll take the air, food, and water, thanks. Please join me. And live.
Someone told me at my graduation party that if I plan on getting married, raising a family, I'll need to have a job by which I make money. And for a while, I agreed with him (this job is really brainwashing me). How could money ever be considered the prerequisite for the building of a family? Of course, practically, money is very important in considering the health of families in our society. But that is such a sad state of affairs. Somehow, some way, love needs to become the only factor in the planning of one's family. Of my family.
So much is so wrong in our society. We are so selfish. So self-centered. We are isolated and we isolate other people. We create our own sad world to live in alone and we are angry because of it. I feel like crying. We (Sara and I) saw the movie Crash last night. It depicts the very real and very sad state of humanity hating itself for the fact that not everyone is the same. Skin color isn't even the main cause- that's just used as the overshadowing stereotype. It's the cultural differences that develop within the separated melanin groups that cause so much friction. Or rather, it is the intolerance of such differences.
I am intolerant of intolerance. That is why I can relate better to some atheists than some religious rights. At least the atheist isn't a hypocrit. I may not know how he ticks, how he can survive without hope, but he acts on what he "believes." Fundamentalist christians love God. That is very good and I respect them for that. I do. But the "love" that they have for their neighbor, the love that is supposed to spring from their ardent love of God, consists in trying to purge those neighbors of all differences and fit them nicely into their church. People are different. Love them. Not in spite of differences. Not because of their differences. Just love them. Love is our only hope- for humanity, for the earth, for us.
So start living a life of love. We've all heard this before. God loves you unconditionally. If you are Christian, then you also believe that God became one of us and died to show us, teach us, release that unconditional love on us. Well, we're certainly doing a heck of a job of imitating that example. What would Jesus do? I'll tell you what he would do. He would live in a community of love, with a few shared possessions, travelling around to love as many people as possible. And not any people- the people with the greatest degree of difference from himself. He would not only tolerate them, he would embrace them, share his life with them, love them. He would NOT have a job. He would NOT need such distractions as toys, entertainment, or coffee to have a good time. He would only need the presence of another human to rejoice in to have a good time. He would have a complete faith in God, that he mustn't worry about such things as food or clothes. He would have faith in humans, that there is good in everyone, that anyone he meets would have it within them to share in the love he already has for them. He would not fret about the past or the future. He would live with you in the moment, fully enjoying the life God gave him. I want to imitate that man.
How am I doing that in this moment? Frankly, I'm not. I'm working all day to make money, and "learning valuable skills," to go towards my college education. At some point, you have to say that you've learned enough to go out into the "real world" and start living. Considering the whole world, I am already immensly more educated than the majority. And that's not cocky; it's just the truth. But that doesn't mean I can grow fields upon fields of food for a village to eat. Not yet. I have studied books and ideas. I'm going on to a very expensive education of more books and ideas. I can't spend my life in books and ideas. I need to experience the world, not analyze it. I have never really had to deal with racial issues. I've basically migrated towards people that are very similar to me (some of them are very different from each other, but they are similar to different parts of me) and loved them. And I do love them. But what about everyone else? For two hours out of 168 hours in one week, I reach out in some small way to people that are pretty different from me. That is not a very high percentage (just over 1%).
Aunt Annie, I will take your advice. I have an opportunity to reach out in some small way to people that are very different from me 8 hours out of every day, and I will take advantage of that opportunity.
And I will continue to grow in love with the people I am already close to. Because that's just too much fun. That's the kind of thing that makes life unbelievably, incredibly good. It's the kind of thing that can inspire me to love people that aren't so similar. And I thank you for that.
Somehow, I was able to capture the purpose of my life in that little blurb on the upper right of this blog. I appreciate the simplicity: Love God, love the earth, love humans. That's it.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 1
Life really is unbelievably, incredibly good.
Work has been better. The two days that I worked this week (monday off, and thursday and friday orienting myself for college), I was at the same house, but with only 3 other people. And they are less abrasive people (there is a cuss word only every 30 words, or so). So it's been mostly quiet and good. Today, I met Bill for the first time. He had taken a leave of absense to care for his very sick wife, but he had to come back to work because they were starving. It is quite a dire situation. I feel like giving him my pitiful paycheck. He is a very nice guy. And he hit the nail on the head, talking about the absent co-workers: they only care about themselves. Well, he also called them retarded half a dozen times. But he is really nice, and I have hope of liking some of my co-workers. Not all of them are racist, sexist, macho, dope heads.
I am learning valuable skills. Like hanging drywall. And taping, and sanding, and retaping, and resanding. My whole day today was sanding walls and ceilings. I don't know about my arms, but my back is definitly bulking up some already. I need to go shopping for fattening food.
And my evenings have been absolutely glorious. Filled with friends and laughter and closeness. We went to the Shakespeare festival tonight to see the Tempest. I plan to go multiple times with different people. Free things are wonderful. Coffee at Mokabe's is also wonderful, if not free.
I love you. Goodnight.
Work has been better. The two days that I worked this week (monday off, and thursday and friday orienting myself for college), I was at the same house, but with only 3 other people. And they are less abrasive people (there is a cuss word only every 30 words, or so). So it's been mostly quiet and good. Today, I met Bill for the first time. He had taken a leave of absense to care for his very sick wife, but he had to come back to work because they were starving. It is quite a dire situation. I feel like giving him my pitiful paycheck. He is a very nice guy. And he hit the nail on the head, talking about the absent co-workers: they only care about themselves. Well, he also called them retarded half a dozen times. But he is really nice, and I have hope of liking some of my co-workers. Not all of them are racist, sexist, macho, dope heads.
I am learning valuable skills. Like hanging drywall. And taping, and sanding, and retaping, and resanding. My whole day today was sanding walls and ceilings. I don't know about my arms, but my back is definitly bulking up some already. I need to go shopping for fattening food.
And my evenings have been absolutely glorious. Filled with friends and laughter and closeness. We went to the Shakespeare festival tonight to see the Tempest. I plan to go multiple times with different people. Free things are wonderful. Coffee at Mokabe's is also wonderful, if not free.
I love you. Goodnight.
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